Oct 26

2007

Help needed understanding wife speak, please.

Posted by Julian ex FBGS in Untagged

I am really looking for some feedback from women here (of course men who understand women can also contribute).

My wife seems to have decided that couples counselling won't help and that divorce is the route to take.

But she doesn't want to start down that route because it would be emotionally too tiring. Ok I can understand that. She has our problems plus some other family issues going on back at her parent's home.

But she doesn't want either of us to discuss it with our friends.

Now is this normal? Is it control? Is it self-protection? Is it because she actaully isn't sure?

I know you won't know her position but any one in a similar position who could help explain some of the possible feelings would help me.

I am terribly confused. Men can't pick up on subtle messages and I seem less able than most men at dong so.

Thanks

Jules

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sexysadie said:

October 26, 2007
		I don't think men are less able to pick up on subtle messages than women. I think it depends on the person. I assume that not wanting either of you to discuss things with your friends is a combination of not really wanting to face up to things and not wanting your friends to take sides (ie. not wanting to lose any of them). She won't look particularly good for not wanting to go to couples counselling so you can see why she might be worried. I think that the bottom line, though, is that it is an unreasonable demand. She might want to face something so traumatic on her own, but it is really not fair that she should demand that you should. So I don't think you should agree to it. It's also possible to go to Relate on your own, and you might benefit from that. Sadie

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mike62 said:

October 26, 2007
		Jules, I have to agree with Sadie's take on things, particularly the not facing up to things. Maybe a session at Relate would help you personally. I think your wife is trying to come to terms with her feelings about your marriage. In your earlier blog you highlight that it was OK for you to do x, y and z to make her life easier and to take off some of the pressure from her. And she didn't reciprocate? What is that telling you? A marriage is a partnership, for better for worse, etc etc. If only one is towing the marital line as to mutual support, then it has to be seen for what it is. My own STBX, before she told me that we were over last January, had come to her decision over a period of 18 months. Perhaps your wife is just beginning to think about some of the many aspects of separation and divorce. The children, her job, money, the house, the possessions, the lifestyle, family, friends, what people might think or say, and is trying to juggle all of these aspects of her life to fit into a new jigsaw, but hasn't got all the pieces in place yet. My experience is that women like to have it all clear in their mind and a plan stretching out in front of them. Mine did not want to divorce immediately, preferring the more gradual 2 year separation and 'no fault' route. She did admit that there were faults on both sides. If you knew my wife, you would realize that for her to admit a fault on her part is like Jesus rising from the dead. Bloody miracle! However, as the separation has continued and she decided to move out, because I wouldn't, things degenerated very rapidly. The expression 'having your cake and eating it' springs to mind. In separation and divorce, things can and do change, and will never be quite the same again. Certain 'certainties' can disappear - honesty, trust, integrity, respect, friendship, They don't have to, but it depends on the willingness of all parties to remain amicable. My wife's behavior over the last 3 weeks has cast her in a new and very unpleasant light. As people frequently quote on here - 'The person that you divorce is not the person that you married' - I'm fast learning that. She needs time, and space to get her thoughts in order. But then so do you - Stop being so nice to her and kick some back to her to deal with - you need to look after yourself too. Take care, Mike

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Vail said:

October 26, 2007
		Molten Jules, You are looking for men who understand women? Hah, dream on mate! Sexysadie, the sweeping generality is that understanding women does not come easily to heterosexual men. MJ, by writing off counselling your wife is discounting an easily available route for promoting understanding. OK, she thinks it will be emotionally too draining. What on earth does she think the alternative is? You give her everything she wants and then die? I wouldn't describe divorce as exactly emotionally neutral. SS hits the nail on the head that your wife is insecure with the idea. It may be that she just can't face what she sees as emotional hassle or she may be feeling vulnerable and think that you'd take advantage or be put into an advantageous position for some reason. I presume you tried talking it through with her but she clams up, in which case all I can think of is what you are already doing. Good luck

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Shelia said:

October 27, 2007
		I think she is not being straight and honest with you and that is the reason she is not making sense. Shelia

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Fat Boy Getting Slimmer said:

October 27, 2007
		Another possibility is that she is stressed. Earlier this year I thought she was going to have a breakdown. Her work was going through redundancy process, our situation was steadily getting worse, then a few months ago her father got beaten up. But she has said things recently which show she has not been honest with me. Perhaps understandable but it doesn't help the trust going forward.

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