My own worst enemy

Well, here I am again, unable to sleep. With the exception of 1 day in the last 5 or so, I have been in the same position. It's really irritating.

People have told me in the past that I think too much. They're right.

I wind myself up about the smallest of things at the moment. Mostly, this is because I haven't re-levelled my relationship with X2B. When she says she'll do something, I expect too much. I expect it to be like the old days. I expect her to do what she says she'll do. That's more than a little naive.

Then, because I expected too much, I get angry when she doesn't do what I think she should do. This is my problem, not hers.

Take today, for example. It's our last day in the house as a family as I'm moving out tomorrow. Not a day too soon.

Anyway, because I haven't levelled the relationship back to where it should be, I expected too much from her.

I expected her to help more with the packing than she did. But, if I'm honest, why should she? It's my stuff after all.

I expected her to get back from her doctor's appointment much earlier than she did so that we could spend some time as a family on the last day. But why should she, we're not a family anymore.

I DID NOT expect her to take her new man with her to the doctors then take hours coming back home, enjoying herself when I'm here packing up my life into a few pathetic cardboard boxes. But why shouldn't she, she has her new man and her new life. Why the hell should she care about me.

Why should she even consider me.

Well, there you go.

Sometimes life is sh!t. Sometimes life kicks you in the bo!!ocks when you're down, harder than ever before.

But sometimes, life is sh!t and you get kicked because you put yourself in that position.

If I had re-levelled the relationship before I wouldn't be here feeling sorry for myself and moaning about how bad stuff is.

If I had expected nothing from her, I would have been pleasantly proven correct.

Of course, this is not fair. She has helped, she has done more than I make out. It's just that I have yet to come to terms with the fact that she does stuff if there is nothing else better to do. Like be with her man.

And the icing on the cake today was when we asked our daughter (M) what cuddly toys she wanted to take to her other bedroom in my apartment. Without hesitation, she said ‘the cuddlies that ‘J' gave me' (‘J' being the new man who M doesn't know the full situation with as yet).

Now, call me picky, but I don't really want a constant reminder of the man that has replaced me in the life of my wife (and soon my family no doubt) in my apartment thank you very much.

But can I say no? Of course not. M doesn't know the deal and sees nothing wrong in it. If she wants them there she can have them. I'll just have to keep her bedroom door shut whenever she's not home.

That and punch the crap out of the things every now and again.