setting her free...

Today was the turning point in the potential devastation of my marriage.

As I may have mentioned before, I am cursed with knowing the login and password to my wife's e-mail address. To be in a situation where she is away in another town and to have discovered that she is living with another man, not checking her e-mail is like putting a heroin addict in a room full of heroin and asking him to not take any.

For the most part, this has been a tool for me to confirm my suspicions or to hope for affirmation of her love for me to be shared with a close friend via e-mail. The past week has opened me to discovering truths about her relationship with the new man that have sent me spiraling further into despair. I've been baffled by this situation and was unable to come to grips with her leaving me for another man. For her to leave for her career or simply because we have grown apart would have been far more acceptable, but for this man, it seemed absurd.

Today, in a enlightening moment, her new "roommate" sent her an e-mail to review before sending it on to the final recipient. It was a birthday wish to his childhood friend, who happens to be the company owner's son and heir to the business.

My wife has spent 4 years in this organization, which is a very male dominated environment. The key players in her company all come from a historical background with the family and earn far beyond what their skills or experience would merit in the job market. They chum around, go to expensive restaurants, take weekend jaunts to the Caribbean or Mexico, head out on someone's 30' boat for the day, etc. My wife has been place into a program which qualifies her to sit in an executive role, as major corporations will favor franchising new stores to companies who can provide a female or minority candidate for executive management. My wife is both. Though highly qualified, she is continually looked upon as "the human resources girl", rather than "one of the boys". This has devastated her morale and she has frequently expressed her intent to one day submit her resignation and go to another company that will offer her the respect she deserves.

Upon discovering the historical status of her new "friend", I was slapped in the face with the reality of the situation, however grim it may be.

This man is not a replacement for me and my son, but a vehicle in which she can gain membership to the private elite club. She is obviously using this man to attend the personal events that the other top brass regularly participate in. She has engulfed herself into this world to gain acceptance.

Granted, this is all at the cost of our marriage and our family, but it suddenly became a relief. There was an explanation finally! After realizing that holding onto to the hope that she is confused and will come to her senses was a dream that would never come to pass, I found myself feeling relieved. As if a huge weight had been lifted.

I thought long and hard about how to approach this with as much diplomacy as possible. I can never disclose that I have been invading her privacy by reading her e-mail. Although, I do feel justified based on the circumstances. I decided that if there was ever to be a happy middle ground, and for the sake of our son, I needed to express my intent to let her completely go to live this life, while maintaining a civil relationship between us, and an interest in the life of her son.

She called tonight to check in, as she's done for the past week or so. She calls to tell me where she's going or coming from, that she's just leaving work, or the gym. Many times, I find e-mail messages that suggest she's been out to dinner or over as someone's house guest. Always in the "we" or "us" terms. Meaning, she and her friend. Rather than continually deal with the deception that will inevitably come to be discovered in an emotional outburst one day, I decided to give her the opportunity to "get out of jail free", so to speak. When she told me where she was going tonight, I simply said, "You don't need to report in to me. Honestly. I'm okay." She seems confused and said, with hesitation, "Umm....okay." I asked her if she still was on schedule to be home next week because I've had a lot of time to think and we needed to talk. She insisted that she had time to talk to me right then, so I agreed.

I made it clear that I understood that what she needed to succeed in this business was something I could never give her. I acknowledged that at company functions or dinners that people had treated me respectfully, but it was very clear that I would never be accepted into the group. And that for her to succeed 100%, that I knew she needed to be accepted to the group. I told her that the only way we could try together to save our marriage would be for her to abandon her new position and move back to our town and our home. And even if we did save the marriage, she would never forgive me if she was unable to reach her goals of success...only to break the marriage up at a later date, when it would be more difficult for us to start new lives apart.

I affirmed my love for her and told her that apart from being married, have been great friends for the past 6 years. I explained that even though we both had frowned upon the idea of leaving each other but remaining friends at one point of our marriage, that our son and our respect for each other changes that idea dramatically. I want to be able to be proud of her success, even if it does not include me. I want her to feel comfortable enough to be in my presence to maintain a relationship with her son.

As we are both tied together by some financial obligations, such as a home and our son's education, I suggested that we go our separate ways, keeping in touch for the sake of just saying "Hello, how are things?", and postponing the legal end of things until a time when that may become a necessity. If someday, one or the other decides that we need to finalize a legal divorce to move on with our lives, that I would not fight her or go through a huge legal battle over things.

I think she was very shocked and surprised, but receptive to the whole conversation. I feel at peace. Still very sad and my heart is broken, but I need to be able to move on with life.

There is still a hope that she will one day realize that she is missing a major part of her life and we can salvage something. If that day comes months or even years later, and I have not found someone else to fulfill my life, that can be a conversation to be held at that time. But, if, by chance, that person does find me through the events of my life, I can gladly go to her and say, as much as I wished things could have worked between us, its time to part ways.

I don't know if this is right or will backfire or what, but I feel so much better than I have in weeks. I have taken some level of control over my life and given my wife an easy way to do what she has set out to do without the need to lie to me about anything.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I will get along somehow.