Well, would you believe it...

Posted by apm in dealing with emotions, choosing to stay or go, breaking up

OK, so this is a good one.

Last night we both took our daughter to karate. I wasn't going to go, I had decided to do less things as a threesome, family type unit in the lead up to D day on October 27th, but daughter specifically asked that I go.

We're there, watching the bullies-in-training go through the motions, me at one end of the room, X2B at the other. After a while we meet up and I notice she is looking sad. So, before I can stop myself, I ask her if she's OK.

Her response?

You'll like this.

"For the first time today I'm having doubts."

!!!!

???

!!!!

Doubts about what I ask.

Doubts about us splitting up, she says.

FFS.

Now, interestingly enough, my feelings on this bombshell of a statement are not "oh good, there's a chance we'll make a go of it". Oh no. They are of anger. Nothing else. Just anger that after all she's put me through, after all the things she's done to hurt me without knowing it, after all the time she's spent with him, she tells me she has doubts.

Well, I don't. She can shove her doubts up her ar$e for all I care. I'm out of this relationship and she can go have her doubts on her own.

This quite surprised me, to be honest. I was expecting at least some misplaced feelings of hope from my side. But nothing. Nada. Zippo.

So, even though I have said it to myself numerous times before, it looks like I would actually say "no thanks" if she asked if we could make a go of it again.

Wow!

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MoltenJules said:

October 12, 2007
		I may be reading this wrong but you were upset the other day when she said 'starting with a blank sheet of paper' when talking about life afterwards. Was she saying this to provoke a reaction hoping that you may say something so that she didn't have to lose face and say what she said today? IMHO it sounds like there are some hidden feelings running around. I have not been through what you have and may have got this all wrong but it sounds like these need to come out. I don't know you, your wife or what you have both been through. But would it be possible to try to forget about the angry feelings and the hurt and the pride and feel what is fuelling those negative feelings? It can't have been easy for your wife to bring it up either. You've both been through the mill by the sounds of things. I am new to all of this, so forgive me if I have misread things, it just seemed that in your dark moment you may find some time to take stock and try and be objective about things. If you have got it wrong you can always get a new D day (I presume Decree Absolute). A difficult position to be in. Not easy I am sure! Good Luck for the future.

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apm said:

October 12, 2007
		Thanks for the comment. D day is me leaving the house, sorry, it was a bit misleading, I should have said. You haven't read my blog otherwise you will have known that I am one of the most objective people around . The feelings of anger are very recent, the last few days or so. You are right in what you say about about hidden feelings. She told me that it was over less than a month ago and I am still in love with my wife despite everything that has happened since. However, I am convinced that the separation is the right thing to do, not least because she is not the person I married (she has changed soooo much) and has another life which she, to a certain extent, is leading already. I also need to move on. Good luck to her, and I do mean that. I have told her that if her new guy is the right thing for her then I genuinely hope that it works out and they become serious. I don;t think that is the case, I don't believe he is right for her but that is her business. The anger is a new thing for me. Apparently, it's a phase you have to go through, part of the healing process. Even within that, I am not angry at her for making the decision, I think she was very corageous for doing it. I am angry about other things, like how easy it appears for her to just drop the past and move on, how she has handled the whole process sooooo very badly (even after we have talked) and how she has blocked everyone (even our daughter) out of her new life apart from her new boyfriend. She's not really having doubts, I know her well enough to know that. I believe it is a reaction to the fact that I now have a flat lined up and we have been talking about money and her bills and such. She is scared and in the past, I've always been the one she turned too when that happened. So she has moved on, I need to as well. I t hink the anger stage is part of that.