Single, skint, heartbroken, but doing okay. Sort of.

I'm "working from home" today. My boss has been amazingly understanding and supportive since my marriage broke up. When I had to phone work to say that my husband had left because I found out he was having an affair, my boss called him some very bad names and has been brilliant ever since.

We had been married for 21 years and I had it in my head that we were together forever. Things hadn't always been perfect but we worked things through. He'd been acting like an arse on and off for about a year, but I didn't think he was having an affair. I just thought he was going through one of his phases. He had them every now and again, some lasting longer than others.

He was always very judgmental about other people who had affairs. He said it was the worst thing someone could do and he couldn't ever do it because it was deceitful. It was something we always agreed on - if either of us wanted to be with someone else then that was the end of us and we would act like adults.

But no, he's been seeing someone for god knows how long. Didn't tell me, didn't say he didn't love me anymore, didn't put the kids' wellbeing above his own, didn't act like an adult. I found out via a text message on his phone, which I thought was from his brother about a car-sharing arrangement, but turned out to be a message from his girlfriend stating precisely what she was going to do with him when I was next away on business.

Big "life event", that was.

I kicked him out. He wanted to come back. Denied everything. Then admitted he'd done it once and it was "the worst mistake of his life". Said he still loved me and wanted to "grow old with me".

The thing is, from the moment I read that text message, everything I ever felt for him died. Which, strangely, really helps! I don't want him back, and the thought of it makes me feel physically sick.

So I started divorce proceedings within a month and am getting towards the end of the process. It's both the worst and best experience of my life. Isn't it horribly degrading to slide into the realms of statistics - just another failed marriage. I get angry when the politicians blame divorce for the failings of our society. Would they rather I stayed in a marriage where I would never trust my husband again, couldn't bear for him to touch me and never have the chance to be happy again?

And I'm really, really angry with him. How dare he take our 21 year love affair and destroy it? Why couldn't he just say that he wasn't happy? Or suggest we live apart because he'd met someone else? Even if he'd come to me and said he was having an affair we would have had the chance to sort things out. But it's not the affair that killed our marriage, it was the deception. That awful, awful moment when I read that text message, when I thought my heart would pound right out of my chest. When the whole of my life changed. I'll never get over that, ever.

Oh, and he's moved in with her. How cosy. Obviously it was more than a "one-off" then.

And now he wants to be friends and can't understand why I don't. I'd rather stab him in the eyes (you have to appreciate my sense of humour here, as I really wouldn't stab anyone anywhere!).

I have good days and bad days. I have lots of friends, some of whom have been through this or something similar and have loads of advice which I take or leave. The best advice I've been offered is to recognise that there are lots of "firsts". First Christmas apart, first birthdays, first school holidays etc etc. So when things feel bad or I find myself reminiscing, I can recognise that this is probably due to a "first".

I've had a bad time over the last few weeks because he invited our eldest son over to stay with him. At her house. I haven't met her (refer to "stabbing in the eyes" comment!), but have to let the kids go to her house? Feels wrong, and I get very protective even though my kids are old enough to look after themselves. more or less. They like to go because "dad's got a big TV". Kids!

So that's another "first", and it's a very difficult one.

And that's just about where I am right now. The only other thing is that people keep asking me if I've found someone else yet. How do I explain that it might not be my first priority? And that after being married for 21 years (half my life), and never having looked at another man in all that time, I may take the luxury of taking my time in finding a replacement?