Bitter, twisted and very nearly angry

Warning: Unfair bitterness and somewhat unreasonable points of view in ths post.

Sorry, I just don't have it in me at the moment to be properly pi$$ed off. Really feeling quite empty at the moment.

Bitter: Because today she told me that when I am putting on a brave face (for our daughter) and being jolly and stuff, she feels sad. This after I told her something very similar (mentioned in an earlier blog post I think) and she got angry and basically told me I was being unreasonable. Well, there you go. I guess what's ok for her is not ok for me.

Twisted: Because I definitely want out now. The sooner I find a place the better. I'm starting to suspect that she does some things to get a reaction from me and although I am actually sure that this is not the case, I am more than a little concerned that I even think it may be possible.

Nearly angry: Only "nearly" because I really don't have anything left inside me to get angry with. All I think about is the effect the split will have on our daughter and it hurts.

I am now convinced that X2B is at least a little shizophrenic. This would explain how one minute she is as happy as larry and the next close to tears. Also, how she can change from one personality to another. I know all about bipolar disorder but this is something different.

Today she said that she felt very sad most the time. Well, I have to take my hat off to her then because she is a master of disguise. I'm a pretty good judge of character and have a sixth sense when it comes to knowing what people are really thinking etc. I see nothing in what she says.

Don't get me wrong, I do know that she is upset at times but nowhere near as much as she would have me believe or as often.

I told you I was bitter.

There is a lot more I could write today but this evening I am emotionally tired and I just can't be bothered.

Earlier, as she was ironing her clothes for this evening, she said "We will still be friends afterwards won't we?". For the first time since this all kicked off, I actually had to think if "yes" was then right answer. In the end, I said "I hope so", and I truly do. But for the first time I question the fact.

Don't get me wrong, I still love her and want her to be well and happy more than anything. But I suspect I will have to limit contact (with the exception of ANYTHING to do with our daughter) after we go our separate ways, at least for a while.

Someone mentioned to me the other night that it appears like she "wants to have her cake and eat it". Well, that could be the case.

I actually think that she has no idea how much damage it does to me to see her put on perfume (which she hardly ever did for me) before she goes out for a her date with J.

I believe she doesn't know how much I hurt knowing that when she's unhappy, she goes and crys on boyfriends shoulder not mine.

And I think she has no knowledge of the dormant anger that rumbles inside me when I know that she is not being entirely truthful about when she sees J.

I know that a lot of this is not my business anymore, but that doesn't stop it hurting.

The sooner I move out the better for all of us I think. Hopefully I will then be able to rebuild the friendship.

God, I hope so.