That's it.

Enough of this self pitying, self loathing, self denegrating bo!!ocks.

It's pathetic, boring and irritating.

I need to pull myself together and get things sorted.

I need to get a place to live and get out of here for my own good.

I need to get a grip again and get a life.

And I need to get angry. Otherwise I'm going to sit around and moan about what used to be and what is now lost forever.

F**k it. I'm better than that.

Last few day's feelings: Definitely not coping

I've not been on here for a while. That's because I couldn't face it. I've used up far too much energy trying to appear normal to the rest of the world, particularly my daughter, when in fact I am dying. I think I'm putting myself through some sort of self induced torture to try and get all the emotion out in one go. However, I didn't realise just how intense those emotions would be.

The weekend was bad, the worst couple of days in my life, without wishing to appear too dramatic. It was a series of little things that built up and up to a big

OK, to be honest, I suspect there is some unfair exaggeration in some of the things I've written recently. I believe it is not unlikely that the hurt and despair that I feel at the moment is tainting my views and making things appear worse than they are. Also, you readers are only getting one side of the story. So, pinch of salt time, I think.

So, if my X2B should ever read this (she's told me that she won't) then I am sorry for any misrepresentation or exaggeration that you think exists. That said, these are my feelings at the time that I am writing. Therefore, if I am upset when I am