So this is Christmas...

It's been a while since I wrote anything here, and a few kind people have let me know they like what I have written before and that it even helps them (gosh). Then again I find help in others' blogs too, so here's some Christmas leftovers from a once happy family now being gradually carved up Turkey-style with the trimmings and crackers making valiant efforts to maintain the good cheer and good will which should signify the season.

 But first, an update, for myself as much as anything else. 

 The house is nearing a sale - nothing confirmed - but getting there. FXW (future-ex-wife, aka psycho) openly spends nights away these days, and more often than not goes out after the children are asleep to return in the small hours. I don't ask where she goes - I presume it's to spend time and s*x with one of the creepy blokes I think she's befriended (or rather boyfriended). She doesn't even tell her friends much about this, which I'm pretty sure is more to do with self image than decency or coyness, as from what I gather this is no George Cloney. And self-image is a very important aspect of FXW's life these days. She spends her money on shoes, clothes and treatments rather than contributing fairly to the mortgage or bills (which are substantial), which leaves me scrabbling around to make the payments, borrowing from here and there, building up more and more short term debt. She's even admitted it.

Amusingly, to me she looks a lot older and less attractive for it all. Others feel the same, although usually politely comply when she solicits compliments. It's kind of like one of those middle age American salon-addicts, who buys all the 'right' products and treatments, but still looks awkwardly artificial, with mean eyes and a demeanour sullied by disingenuosness and mock jocularity which they've now been purveying for so long it's embedded into the very cracks and crevaces they are trying so hard to mask. 

Phew - a lot of concepts introduced so far. But one of the more important facets of this is that I sense that the kids (boys - 4 and 6) are both beginning to feel a little betrayed. The younger one likes to creep into Mummy's bed in the middle of the night, and when she's not there gets a little upset (but soon comforted by coming down to sleep with me). The older one is a Daddy's boy already, but wants to know where Mummy goes and why she goes there. I try my best with the answer, and of course remain reassuring and uncritical. In any case they are happy enough with their dad around, even though when we all end up down in my bed (a small 4'6 double), it's pretty 'snug' (an aside - why is that 4 year olds take up soooo much bedspace?).

I noticed that FXW was downloading a mortgage application form the other day. And that she seems to be expecting to get half the equity in the house when its sold. This is interesting - she's forgetting two things (1) that her underpayment of the mortgage and bills will probably be taken into account in the settlement and (2) even if they aren't we need to pay off all my short term debts which I've built up to keep the mortgage and bills paid, all of which are quite substantial. Then again I'm reluctant to spell it out too obviously to her because she may try to scupper the house-sale or something, as she has it pretty good at the moment. What's more I hear from our friends how she boasts how much money she earns (actually even lying about it). Not the brightest thing to do in a divorce situation eh? My conclusion is that she's just being thick. And greedy. And also feels that owning gives her more social standing. Blinded by self-image. Not good.

For my own part I will be moving into a rental for myself and the boys. There are great rental deals to be had in our neighbourhood these day and I'll be more than happy to be out of the property ladder (or slide as it should be called now) while prices tumble over the next few years.

Meanwhile, she still nags and sideswipes and is generally pretty nasty, picking arguments and then pretending to the kids that I started them. As ever, I usually just walk away (see previous posts). On the rare occasions I can't walk away, I show her the palm of my hand and just say one word: 'Stop'. Sometimes it needs to be repeated. Often the oldest, 6, mimicks me. 'Stop' he says. 'Stop arguing.' This usually stops her. 

Anyway, we will be living apart pretty soon if all goes to plan. There has been correspondence which has indicated shared residence orders and 50/50 splits - the only way forward. I think that reluctantly she must acquiesce to this, although 6 months ago she was all set up to try to reduce me to alt.weekend.dad status. I believe that her solicitor may have indicated that these efforts are likely to fail, as this seems a water-tight case for equal parenting, if not residency with dad. The only worry is that this has been spelt out in two letters to her solicitors - neither of which has been replied to. I was hoping to keep it out of court, with a shared residence order by consent (I posted in the forum about this), but my solicitor suggests that bearing in mind the history, a short hearing may be involved. 

So, onto Christmas. Well we survived it, and all of us had it together. We both got a small selection of presents for the boys and left them under the tree. The kids were delighted, and played and laughed and didn't argue. I had done all the food shopping and spent the morning cooking the meal. We invited round a friend (single mum) and her two kids, someone who seems to have a great affection for us both. The Turkey and everything was (even though I say it myself) perfectly cooked and absolutely delicious. I'd really tried my best to make a nice meal for everyone, and I think I succeeded. It's pretty complicated though isn't it?  A massive turkey, hams, vegetables, stuffing, sauces, condiments etc etc all in a small oven so that stuff has to be scheduled in for cooking at the right time so that we didn't end up eating at 5pm. I got it all done for 1.45pm on the table looking sensational. I really enjoyed the process - the kids were happy - even FXW had to pass on a compliment about how good everything tasted (except the ham - not as good as the way her mother makes it or whatever). Our friend was bowled over and just wanted to keep eating more and more. Her oldest (also 6) scoffed his way through a massive plate and kept on saying 'mmmm delicious', which for a boy of few words was something. My kids picked at their food a little, ran off and played, but enjoyed the crackers and the occasion. In fact most of the time it was just the three grown ups sitting at the table quoffing away. I'd bought some sensational wine too, so it was all... lovely. FXW even did the washing up!!!

Probably the last Christmas we will spend as a family living under the same roof, so I'm pleased to have embedded some happy memories for the children in our one big family house before we attempt to decant our lives into two smaller places.

Boxing day came, and the children are being taken by their mother to their grandparents for a few days.  It's a few hours away but it involves a flight. They will return on the 30th, then FXW goes away for the New Year (presumably with some bloke) for a few days.  So the three of us will have some festive new year fun here in London, which I'm looking forward to a lot. 

A bizarre thing happened though. FXW asks for a lift to the bus which goes to the airport. No problem of course. I assume she wants to make her own way to the airport by bus, as the kids love the bus and also it's her little attempt at independence. Then just before we are due to leave, she comes downstairs and announces that I don't have to drive them to the bus as she's got someone to drive them all the way - turns out to be an old friend of mine. I'm horrified - if she wants a lift I will run them to the airport, what kind of message would that give to the kids for someone else to be driving them there. She says I didn't offer so she got someone else to do it. Anyway, I got on the phone to this bloke and told him that FXW's very grateful for the offer, but it's unnecessary as I will take them myself. OK, he said to me somewhat sheepishly, understanding that he was being used as a pawn in a marital battle. I was astonished how determined she was to to try to make me look bad in front of the kids, and how she was happy to enlist other people to this cause. 

Anyway, I drove them. The kids and I sang along to the radio. FXW mostly snoozed (even though it's an hour ride). ONce there, I parked up and walked them into the terminal building, with FXW having the cheek to ask me to drop them off and go. I was firm. Once I was there, I was going walk the children into the terminal and say goodbye properly whether she likes it or not. The kids were delighted, the youngest climbing onto my shoulders and the older holding my hand all the way. 

Once inside, FXW tells the children 'Right - say goodbye to daddy he's going now...' I said no I'm not, we'll say bye in our time thankyou.' Then she starts. 'This is my time with the children, you're encroaching on it  - you've got to let go now...' She then started dragging the children away. They were starting to get upset. Horrendous. So I said 'Okay stop.' I didn't want the kids to be used like this. So I held my arms out and called the kids by name. 'I'm going to say bye now kids' They jumped into my arms and kissed and hugged me. Then I let her drag them off. 

Coming back from the airport I got a call from the lady who we had over for Christmas, who once again thanked me for everything, and put her little boy on the phone who made a special point of thanking me too. It was very sweet.

Meanwhile A few of the the local mums (and occasional dads and consorts) had arranged a boxing day get together for the kids, and they were - very sweetly - insisting that I came along - kids or no kids. Although FXW thinks she has the exclusivity on being friendly with our children's friends parents, it's actually quite the opposite and they are all extremely kind and supportive of me. I also often help them out and look after their kids when they get tied up, and my kids love hanging out with their friends, so I'm always up for it if I'm available and not working. FXW is often tied up and most of them pretty much admit they would prefer to ask me anyway. Anyway, I had a wonderful time round my friends' place (it was kind of a house-warming as they had just moved), unencumbered by the responsibility of my own children, although happy to join in with keeping an eye on everyone else's, but even more happy to share some really nice wine and day-after-Christmas food with everyone. I actually got quite p*ssed. But in a really cosy warm and nice way, surrounded by a small group of friends and my kids' friends, even though my own kids were very much elsewhere. I made the most of it. 

Today, there's another little get together. We have the best of all worlds here - the  greatest city on the planet, plus our little nook within it: a cosy, friendly, welcoming neighbourhood, which has opened its arms to people from all over the world to make it one of the most colourful, diverse, supportive, and child friendly environments you could ever hope for. It's been my home for 22 years, and I love every corner of it. And so do my kids. 

Anyway....

Happy new year everyone. I hope it brings peace, calm and happiness to all children and their families, however severe the state of turmoil or disarray that recent divorce or separation has bestowed on them. And to those good and loyal dads and mums: the ones who haven't cheated or lied or turned against their partners; who haven't re-invented themselves and sought an apparently better life despite the needs of their children; the dads and mums who were always willing to try harder and remain devoted to their children and to the ideal of keeping a loving family together if at all possible... I salute you and commend you; and above all hope that your goodness, kindness, tolerance and patience will reward you with the unwaivering love of your children and the respect of your peers: in the coming year and in years to come. 

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