help

Posted by adenuff in breaking up, bad day

wife suddenly decided after a week away with her family she liked her freedom and wanted out of our marriage. result,totally gutted. no 3rd party involved. married 22 years 60k mortgage 200k equity. 2 kids, one aged 18 working. one aged 16 looking for work. doesn,t want relate or mediation, just me to move out and pay most of the bills. i have never seen such a change in anybody, cold, doesn,t want to talk wants as little to do with me as possible. when i walk in,she walks out.going to see a solicitor this week to find out what my options are. this is day 9 and my head is all over the place. any suggestions or advice would be nice.

Comments (4) add comment

Show/Hide comments

scottishlady said:

September 24, 2007
		Hi adenuff....... I think when it 'happens' so suddenly it is hard to comprehend..... there is no easy way through this..... it's bloody hard - don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!!! I guess I am in a somewhat similar situation... but reversed.... after 10 weeks I am still trying to come to terms with what has happened in my life....... but try to slow down - take your time..... try to make sense of all the confusion (sometimes it works - sometimes not)..... there is a lot to deal with, both emotionally and practically - BUT YOU WILL !!!!! take comfort and support from those around you, those who care for you..... and talk (or don't) as much as you need to.... day by day is a cliche.... but, believe me.... it works.... thinking of you Karen x

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

apm said:

September 25, 2007
		I'm on day 6 after similar circumstances. My situation is slightly better though as for the last three months or so X2B has been distant and exhibiting all the symptoms you describe. I had sort of seen it coming but that doesn't make it any easier for me. Try and focus on the small things that are normal for you, this may require you to be a bit selfish but it helps. Also, for me anyway, I have realised in a short space of time that my wife is not the person I married 11 years ago. She has changed. This helps as it validates, somewhat, the decision to split up. I suspect that this will be extremely difficult for you as you haven't had the run up that I have. For you, you will feel confusion, anger, betrayal (even though no one else is involved), despair, fear (for your kids although at their age, there is hope that they will be able to accept even if they can't understand), fear again (for the practicalities of being separated) and fear yet again (for the financial side). Try and focus on practicalities for a while and get some of the unknowns sorted, look into what is going to happen regarding where you are going to live, how much money you will pay her / be left with etc. etc. It's a harsh learning curve but it forced me to face reality. You may be different but I think you will feel more in control (and hopefully therefore, better) if you understand more about what's going to happen. Read what scottishlady's written again and again and again and again. It's good advice and "day by day" really does work. There will be times when you went to beg her to give you another chance, there will be times when you want to through her off the roof, there will be times when you want to sweep her up in your arms and "make it all better". They will pass. Believe me. If you can / want to, try and get her to explain the situation to you. This may be impossible from what you've said. But it might help you to understand. Approach this carefully and explain to her that all you want is to understand, not blame or find fault and it may work. I am finding the most difficult thing is not knowing "why". I still don't but at least we are starting to talk about it. You'll notice that I am writing this as if it is a done deal, that there is no hope of a reconciliation. Well, I hope there is if that's the right thing for you both. However, it will be better for you in the medium to long term to accept that the strong possibility is that you will separate. It will be hard, maybe impossible, but once you have accepted the *possibility*, you will find it slightly easier to cope. At least, I do.

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

adenuff said:

September 25, 2007
		thanks for the advice scottishlady, makes a lot of sense, kinda hard to take things slowly, suppose thats panic. you sound really nice, your ex must be mad.

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

mike62 said:

September 25, 2007
		Adenuff, You could be writing for me in January this year. My STBX hit 40, and after 22 years together, I was no longer required. Not so much as a discussion, just a bald statement of fact. Like you, no discussion, no attempt to reconcile things, salvage anything - it's just over. I have 3 kids, 15, 12 and 8. They are devastated by the whole thing too. Right now, you are in a state of high anxiety, you don't know what to do, or say or think. Your emotions are all over the place, momentarily feeling a bit positive, then suddenly really negative. You have bad days and really bad days. It's a bit like part of you has died. You are in mourning for a loss, but nothing seems to make any sense any more. As the previous posters say, just slow down and take it day by day. It is hard, and there is no magic wand. APM is right to suggest that you try to accept the possibility that you will separate, because all your natural thoughts will be that everything will be fixed, and everything will be OK again. Whatever the outcome, your relationship will not be the same again. The trust has gone, and without that trust, the relationship will take on a completely different direction. Lots of people suggest writing things down, as this allows you to look back later and reflect how your attitudes have changed. Some suggest writing letters to your ex, but never sending them. Others write blogs on here and reflect on them over time. Up to 3 months ago, I would have welcomed an attempt at reconciliation. However, as time moves on, my attitudes have changed, and I don't think I could imagine that now. Think too about your children - they will be going through the mill as well. Reassure them that whatever happens, you are and always will be their Dad, and will be there for them. It's really important to reassure them, even though they are almost grown up. Try not to make any big decisions right now - you are not in a good frame of mind, and it is better to allow time to heal things a bit and get your emotions on a more even keel before taking stock of your life. Whilst you are still married, you are under no obligation to leave the marital home. I realise (as I do it myself) that staying is horrible too, but not knowing your circumstances, it may be the only practical solution. When you are feeling really crap, come and write something on here. Loads of people read and some reply, and it always makes me feel a whole lot better that I am not alone. Take care of yourself, and be strong for your kids. They still need Dad. Good luck, and stay in touch Mike

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Write comment

Show/Hide comment form

You must be logged in to a comment. Please register if you do not have an account yet.