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Sep 23
2007
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I've never done this before. I've joined a forum, found and uploaded a picture and now I'm doing this! I've done so many things since my life was turned upside down last July, most of which I'd rather not have, like given a solicitor £3000 in exchange for a decree nisi and a tree's worth of pointless letters, like cuddling my kids and telling them it's alright and we're fine when I'm not coming close to fine.
One thing that strikes me is that there is so much pain. You get lost in it and end up believing it's just you - life certainly kick's you when you are down. It all just happens and you end up reacting, there is no certainty, no stability, no hope of planning, out there is a world and a future and I wonder if I'll ever get to join it and live it. Most of all I want it to be over - if I never clap eyes on my ex again that'll be fine but it won't happen. There are two beautiful, angry, mixed up children to consider. Their confusion and pain becomes mine - I take the anger, try to be the voice of reason and hope it will get better soon.
On Friday I was ready to give up - give in to all the demands that are on the tree's worth of letters from him. Deal on the money. He can have the kids and then he will have to deal with the aggro that comes around just before each weekend visit , each weeknight visit and every phonecall. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't defend his actions to the kids anymore. I'm sick of pretending he's a nice guy when everything he does hurts them some more. But I can't say it can I? I can't do it can I? They are children and I have to look after them as best I can even if he tells them I'm rubbish - which he does. Then he denies it.
So I cried.
I cried like I have never cried before.
It frightened me.
How did I get here?
So I got up on Saturday and thought I'd just carry on. I know it will get better one day. I accept that I am tied to him forever. I wish I wasn't. It can't hurt anymore than this - can it?
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hrm
said:
| September 23, 2007 | ||
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I could've written it myself! If it helps sky you are not alone.There are hundreds if not thousands of people going through the same as you-I am one of them.But i rarely cry now.I'm resigned.Nothing will ever be the same again. Instead of thinking he's wasted 19 years of my life I look on it as an experience that gave me two great kids who love and depend on me no matter what they say or how they act. I should really thank him but I won't-not yet!! I know we'll come out on top so he'll end up sad and lonely,having given it all up not me. God bless |
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scottishlady
said:
| September 23, 2007 | ||
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Sky.... I know what you are going through..... the pain is unbearable... but, of course, we bear it..... and we 'get on with things' I cry buckets all the time...I'm told it's natural and healthy... but it's something I could well do without... A lot of us aren't given the choice about this situation we find ourselves in, so we have to give ourselves time.... Time to come to terms with what has happened in our lives.... time to adapt to this new life we find ourselves in.... and hopefully, in time, a new and different life that can be happy and fulfilling for us.... Take care of yourself.... Karen |
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apm
said:
| September 23, 2007 | ||
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Sky, I've never done this before either but desperate times call for focus and determination in all things. Some or all of what I say may be complete garbage but I hope you read it in the manner it is intended. Support. This is obviously easy for me to say but try and get the focus of your life away from him and back to you. Try, and this will not be easy, to just take whatever he does as "just the thing he does" and focus on what you want. Try to put aside how it makes you feel, if you can, ignore what he does as I suspect that most of it is just to screw you up. Focus on you and your kids, ignore him. It's easy to say but if you can, give it a go. Above all, you have your life now, he has his. Live your life as best you can, let him live his. If it's really, really bad, look for some small things for yourself, some small achievements and celebrate those. Celebrate the fact that you have kids. |
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sals44
said:
| September 24, 2007 | ||
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Such poetic words Sky. Do not ever feel guilty of any thoughts or feelings. Your bond with your children is one that can never be described, but you know you have to keep going, and it is a very heavy weight. In time I can only hope for myself and you that all the hard work will pay off and our children become well adusted adults. We can only do what we can..I give up on occasions..but get back on top realising that I have a greater task in seeing my children will survive. Without me I see no hope for them. I have rediscovered who I am, it is your time to re-discover yourself too..our emotions our goals everything we have striven for as an adult and as a parent in our own right on our own terms and conditions. Keep clear on your goals and fight on those terms, you need his support in other ways now you do not need to succumb to his wants and wishes anymore, there is not a partnership to maintain, no need to ask his permission any more, no need for his agreement any more. Orchestrate what you deem is fair. The children know far more than we realise and when I cry they cry too...no need to explain..they need to see that you are hurt by anothers actions but yet can cope and recover and offer them the fact that you can all survive. It is a burdon such an endless burdon...a very sad but truthful fact that I am ready to admit, but it is the secret feeling that no-one can know unless you are there..and the absent parent is not, they just flit in and out of our lives and laugh in our faces, this is what gives me strength to fight my corner. So no you are not alone Sky, but your world is what you make of it, but we all follow the route that seems genetically built in, others break through more quickly, but you will get there. Believe me you will. |
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ChrisM
said:
| September 24, 2007 | ||
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Hello mate. All I can say is that you will get thru this and life will be good again. It does hurt and I dont think thare is much worse than this. Loosing my mum wasnt this bad. Life has a habit of dumping from a great height sometimes and you have to just roll with the punches. But you can plan and you should to. One of the things I did was imagine a better life. Be in your worst place (for me it was the garage at nightime with the lights off in a camping bed) and dream of what you will have. Make it like a movie. As time goes on you will feel better and strange as it may seem this was meant to happen. It would have happened one day anyway. Be glad that its now and you are young enough and fit enough to survive. And survive you will. But do all the right things and dont end up in the gutter. Be kind to yourself and give this all that you can. The effort you put in now impacts what happens in the end. You will get out of this what you put in. So be strong and be tough. You will need everything you have to get thru this. All the best, Chris. |
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sky
said:
| September 24, 2007 | ||
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Thank you all for this from the bottom of my heart. I seem to have too many days in dark places but you've all shone a light into it with your wise words and support. It helped so much writing it down somewhere the kids will never find it and it was wonderful to read your comments. You all talk alot of sense and thats probably just what I need. I don't feel quite so alone. So the weekend was dark - today must be brighter despite the one hour traffic jam to work in the rain! I will be strong and tough and I won't let it all wind me up. I guess I've never really been an adult alone although I spent much of my marriage alone - it comes as a shock. I wasn't prepared for feeling so bad for so long . Most days it was the best thing I could have done but only a tiny part of me feels better. The rest of me is a little girl wanting someone to make it all go away. I do need to let it all wash over me, just have to master how! I also need to figure out how not to be exhausted all the time and smile a little more. Thats my goal - it'll do for a start! Thank you xx |
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