New to this game

My first blog post and everything is still VERY raw so it's a long one I'm afraid. I apologise, I know blogs are supposed to be short and sweet so don't read if you can' be bothered. I understand.

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. 2 days before our 11th anniversary, last Wednesday, she told me it was over. So far, it is amicable and we both hope to keep it that way for the sake of our daughter.

My wife has suffered from Bipolar Disorder (what used to be called manic depression) for most of our married life and I have helped her through the worst possible times. It's not possible to describe how horrible these have been, for both of us.

After her 40th birthday in March this year she changed into a different person. She then went through another bipolar attack and this time, didn't want me to help. This time, she insisted on dealing with it herself. She didn't discuss her feelings with me and asked for no help at all. This despite it being the worst attack she has ever suffered, she now tells me.

I had let her deal with her situation all this time. I had asked for nothing and was there for her on the odd occasions that she wanted support from me.

We live in Spain and she has been practising her Spanish with the manager ("J") of the estate we live in who is Spanish and separated from his wife. After months of practising Spanish she found that she had feelings for him and as far as she is concerned, this means our marriage must be dead. Apparently.

Last Wednesday I had become so suspicious of her relationship with J that I snooped on a Messenger conversation she was having with him. This is quite easily the worst thing I have ever done in my life, spying on my wife in such an underhand manner. This is how I found out the truth of the situation and that she had feelings for J.

I confronted her with the evidence. She has promised me that she has not slept with J but has also told me that she wants to and in fact will after we separate. I do believe her that she has not slept with him as yet. I probably shouldn't, but I do.

She doesn't know why she is not in love with me anymore, she just knows that something inside her has died and that she must move on.

I have accepted all of this but that doesn't reduce the utter sadness I feel for the situation. I have never cried so much in my life nor felt so empty. I'm not a blubber so this is somewhat new territory for me to say the least.

We are handling this very amicably for our daughter's sake and are hoping to maintain the normal family home approach until after Christmas. This will be tough and maybe we are being naive. But, for the sake of our daughter having one last "normal" family Christmas, I currently think it is worth a try.

What I am finding difficult to accept is the total and utter lack of any warmth from her towards me. This evening I had the worst period I have had since Wednesday. I couldn't stop crying and was explaining how I had tried to make myself hate her but couldn't because I still love her too much. I also said that because of this, I want her to be happy and that means that if she wants to be with J then she should be. I just asked that nothing physical happens until after we separate.

Here's the thing. She's agreed to wait but with the caveat that if she finds she can't then she will tell me. Well, thanks for that. Most appreciated.

Why is it that after 11 years where I have given everything and asked for nothing, where I have held her when she has been trying to beat me to death because of her Bipolar disorder, where I have picked her up from the deepest hole with no expectations from me, after all that, why is it that she can not find it within herself to wait for a few months before jumping into bed with her "funny little man" as she calls him?

Tonight was my worst period so far. After I had regained some composure and had stopped crying she offered me a hug. It was totally devoid of any warmth or caring feelings from her at all.

It was an eye opener. In that display of indifference I have seen the truth. We are in fact dead as a married couple. Any illusions I had that something could be resuced has been well and truly put to erst. I am, in fact, thankful for that.

I'm going to finish now beacuse I suspect it's getting boring. I will post more as and when I feel like it, which will probably be frequently judging by how I currently feel.

This sucks.