And the walls came tumbling down….

Some of the regulars may have noticed me conspicuous only by my absence.  Not like me to hide away, but it all got a little too much a few weeks ago.

I have been struggling as ‘Dad’ to maintain a good relationship with my children, as myself and the ex have diametrically opposing views on childcare.  The ex seems to think it is a good idea to allow the children pretty well free reign on most matters.  I see it differently.  I see a need to prepare my children for the real world, where things are not on a plate for the taking, without any need for effort or giving back.

My eldest is a classic 16 yo boy.  If he were any more laid back, he would fall over.  He is a really nice kid, and I would be confident that I could put him in a room of complete strangers and he would strike up polite and meaningful conversation with them.  However, he thinks, like most teenagers, that parents know nothing, and that the world revolves around his perceived wants and needs with no effort on his part whatsoever.

This has been the source of great angst over the summer and into the new school year, to the point that after 4 weekends on the trot of arguing and serious falling out with him, I had reached the end of my tether with him and was about to tell him not to bother spending weekends with me, as I could no longer stand his attitude.  This for me would have been the worst situation imaginable.  I love my children deeply and just want what is best for them.  However, I was not prepared to continue to compromise my principles in favour of the ex’s lackadaisical approach to any kind of discipline and behavioural issues and her idiotic and excessive pandering to ‘fashion’ and ‘style’ for the children.

My parents called to tell me that their next door neighbour had died.  I have known him since I was a toddler and he was also my oldest friend’s father.  My friend rang me and asked if we could host the funeral at the hotel.  On the one hand, honoured to be asked, on the other knew it would be difficult for all of us.  Funeral was to be in a few days time, depending on coroner and post mortem.  Tucked that one away in the ‘deal with later’ box.

The ex announced that her sister needed to escape from her husband.  Things had not been good between them.  Seems her husband had seen some texts on her phone to a work colleague which suggested something was going on.  Difficult situation for me, as I have known her sister since she was about 12 (she is 35 now), and have been on hand to pick her up when she has fallen down several times in her adult life.  She was very ill as a child and the youngest of 4 children.  Her elder siblings and parents had always put her on a pedestal throughout her life, doing everything for her and taking the knocks for her that life throws at us mere mortals.  Her husband is a very strange man.  Always reminded me of a weasel.  If I shook his hand, I would count my fingers afterwards.  You know the type.  They have been married 5 years and in that time I have been to collect him from Chester police station when he got himself arrested over an access issue with his son from a previous relationship, rescued her from him when he saw her giving a colleague a Christmas kiss goodnight at her works party, lent them money when things were very bad for them, picked up the pieces when he started a fight at the ex’s brother’s 40^th birthday party etc etc.  No love lost between me and him.  However, I do feel terribly protective towards her.  They had a child together 3 years ago, something of a miracle given his mother’s childhood illness.  She is highly unlikely to have any more, so ultra special to both of them.

So the ex goes and collects sister and nephew and brings them back to the hotel.  She is not happy to take her sister to her own rental house with our children, as her husband is a bit of a loon and very unpredicatable.  They are all to stay at the hotel.  I get back from my day job around 9pm.  Her husband phoned or txted 30 – 40 times between 9pm and midnight, when I had just about my fill.  Tell him bluntly not to phone again, and she will ring him the following morning at 9am.  Off to bed.  Up at 5:30 as usual – Glance out of bedroom window - Husband is asleep in his minibus on hotel car park, waiting for us to get up.  Jeez!  Get ready for work, wake ex and tell her what is going on.  Hotel has guests in, so really don’t want a scene.  Take him a coffee out and tell him that his wife and son are fast asleep and nobody is going to wake them.  Went off to work around 7.  Phone call from ex at 10am – Seems he has kicked off as his wife didn’t want to go with him and the ex has had the police round and had him arrested for breach of the peace.  Sister won’t press charges, so police have no option but to give him stern talking to and let him go.  Continual updates through the day of txts and phone calls.  Seems he has arranged an appointment for them to go to Relate the next day (took 3-4 weeks for mine!).  Get back from work that night at 9pm.

Ex and sister have both been on the wine.  Cosy little chat going on with long term guest in hotel bar.  Ex tells me that there is something her sister isn’t telling her about what has been going on – will I talk to her?  So spend next 2 hours cuddling her and gently talking about what has been going on in her marriage and coaxing out the elusive details from her.  To say I was shocked to the core is a bit of an understatement.

She told me that their sex life had gone to the wall after the birth of their son.  Told her that this was not unusal at all, and indeed may women felt the same.  She said that although she tried hard from about a year after the birth, it was not the same as before.  She told me that she had come home from work one night and he told her to go get dressed up, as they were going for a drink.  They met some girl in a opub and got talking to her.  Before she knew what was happening, the girl had come back to their home and her husband was talking her into performing a lesbian fantasy with the girl and him joining in.  It seems that he had arranged this over the internet.  Because she felt so bad about letting him down sexually, she went through with it.  She said she felt dirty and utterly ashamed of herself.  He arranged another 2 or 3 such meetings with different women, over the next year ‘It’s a laugh – life is too short’.  She said that she felt too ashamed to tell even her best friend about what had been happening.  She told me that she had started a flirting relationship with a work colleague to prove to herself that she WAS heterosexual and not a lesbian, as she was beginning to doubt herself completely.

Then she admitted that he had been hitting her.  The broken wrist blamed on the icy pavement was him.  He hit her so hard when they were in bed that he knocked her clean out of the bed.  She had often been to work with black eyes, blaming it on her clumsiness.

None of this kind of thing has ever featured in my life before he came into her life.  I came from a very respectable background where anything like this was just unthinkable.  It was reserved for certain Sunday newspapers, morning TV shows and ‘other’ people.  I was heartbroken for her.  She was trapped in a terrible situation and was completely unwilling to break free.  ‘He’s not a bad man, he just had a very difficult childhood’.  What to do?  I ask her if she could ever see a ‘Happily ever after’ scenario with him – She had to admit that she couldn’t.

We went back to the bar where the ex was getting even cosier with the guest, and both were clearly well on their way to being drunk.  Took her to one side and asked her to come down to the kitchen, out of earshot of her sister and the guest, so I could tell her what her sister had told me.  When I explained it all, she looked absolutely devastated – understandably so.  She asked me to repeat it several times so she could piece together the chronology of events.  Finally, she suggested going back to the bar to discuss it with her sister and the guest.  With the guest? WHAT? This is your baby sister’s worst moment in life and you want to analyze it with her and a complete stranger?  Told her I was going to bed – getting on for midnight – suggested that she and her sister did the same as all were obviously inebriated.  ‘Come and have a drink with Dave and me then’.  Hmmmm.  Explained that there was obviously some chemistry going on between the two of them and I was not comfortable, so ‘thanks, but no thanks -  I am off to bed’ and left them to it.

Normally I sleep like a corpse – two states – on or off.  Never wake up at night.  However about 3:15 I nearly jumped out of bed.  No idea what woke me, but first thought was that loony brother in law was trying to break into hotel.  Look out of window – can’t see his minibus, but could be in main car park.  Grab dressing gown and make my way downstairs – lights on in bar and music on – walk behind bar and there in front of the bar and the fireplace is ex, straddling hotel guest, both in early stages of undress, full on tonsil hockey, thrusting up and down on him.

The only thing I could think to say was ‘Oh, so it wasn’t burglars then – goodnight all’.  With hindsight I should have called them a taxi and chucked them both out.  But that just isn’t me.  I went back up to my room and sat on the bed.  I had a half bottle of wine on the window sill so I drank it in the vain hope of getting myself back to sleep.  The best description of how I was feeling was it was like someone had punched a hole in my chest, ripped out my heart and poured acid in the hole.  I was so agitated I didn’t know what to do with myself.  I just wanted to get as far away as I possibly could from them, the hotel and anybody at that moment.  So I had a shower, dressed and was about to set off for work.  The ex was still sat in the bar, head in hands, looking mortified.  Told her that I was going, and didn’t know when I would be back.  Got in the car at 4am and drove 2 hrs to work in Leeds.  I slept an hour in the car till the offices opened and sat like a zombie for the rest of the day.  Luckily some of you great wikipeeps were around on the site at 7am to listen to me - you know who you are – I cannot thank you enough for being there for me.  My boss is still going through divorce himself and is a little further on than me – he just gave me the space to vegetate for the day.  I found a hotel in Harrogate and bought some toiletries and clothes.  Felt very strange being in a hotel like a bag man – clutching my Sainsbury’s carrier bag with all my possessions.  Very odd indeed.  All the time my mind was doing somersaults trying to analyze what had happened and what to do next.  Yes, we have been separated since Jan 07.  Yes she has her own place.  Yes, I know it is over between us.  But why? How could she do that?  In my home?  They both had hotel rooms.  Why in the bar? Was she not remotely sensitive to the fact that we made love in front of the fire in that very spot when we first bought the hotel and moved in?  What if any of my children, her 3 yo nephew, or her sister had been woken and come downstairs as I had? What the hell was she thinking about?  With a bloody hotel guest?  Did the staff know about her relationship?  Had they been whispering behind my back for weeks?  Did the children know about her relationship?  Had they overheard her getting lovey dovey with him over the last few weeks?.....

I went out for something to eat that evening with a colleague who was also having a very hard time.  His sister had been the subject of some medical negligence and as a result was in a permanent and excruciating state of phantom pain that could not be treated by drugs.  She had been told of a very dangerous brain operation where the area responsible for the phantom pain could be isolated and ‘switched off’.  It had a 5% chance of success.  Her consultant reviewed her prognosis and decided that it was ill advised to attempt the operation.  She was so debilitated by the phantom pain that she decided to take her own life, leaving 2 sons, 22 and 20.  My colleague was left to pick up the pieces.  It kind of put my problems into perspective, but just added to the deep sadness I was feeling.

The next day was Friday.  The hotel was hosting a wedding on the Saturday.  I had to go back to work the wedding.  Like it or loathe it.  Last thing I wanted to do.  So I sent the ex a txt telling her I would be back for the wedding on Saturday, but didn’t know what I was doing Friday night.  Friday night is one of my nights with my children.  It was also the beginning of the children’s half term, so no respite while they went to school.  The ex had asked to take the week off as she was ‘exhausted’.  Too much shopping no doubt.  Although I had booked the week off my contract job, I just couldn’t face seeing them.  I called the hotel to speak to the staff and discovered that the guest had stayed on the Thursday night as well!  I couldn’t believe it.  Talk about rubbing my nose in it.  Has he no bloody shame at all?  This is a bloke I have sat chatting to most mid-week evenings for the last 3 months off and on, who was at it with my ex wife in my bar in my home while my children, her sister and my nephew I were asleep upstairs.  I was livid.  I waited until the offices were being locked up to arrive back as late as I could, hoping that they would all have gone to bed.  Luckily they had.

Saturday morning came and as there was a wedding on, the hotel was busy all day, so although me and ex had to converse about a number of things, there was no opportunity to speak about what had happened on Weds night.  Took a call from my friend confirming the funeral was to be on Monday, and for 100 guests.  Had to stay professional and get the job done.  Her sister had gone home with her abusive husband, just to add to the growing tension.  I did the wedding on autopilot.  Mind was elsewhere.  Very difficult day.

Sunday, feed the wedding guests their breakfasts and dispatch the happy couple.  Finally I get to nail the ex.  She can’t remember exactly what I had told her about her sister, so had to spell it out for her again.  I ask her what the hell she was thinking about.  ‘I obviously wasn’t thinking’.  I ask if the guest will back on Monday night and expecting me to cook his dinner for him, as she ‘needs’ a holiday for the week.  ‘I have asked him to look for somewhere else’.  That’s as close to apologizing as it got.  Unbelievable.  23 years together, and that is all the respect for me that she has.

Monday.  The funeral.  Went to the church service and met my parents and brother there.  Very sad occasion.  Difficult for me on a number of counts.  I was being mourner, oldest friend, dutiful son and professional hotelier, all at the same time.

Dashed back to hotel to make sure everything was prepared and to the best standard possible.  Far more important than any other function that I have done for a while.  The rest of the guests arrived.  I caught sight of my parents in the midst of the crowd, along with many of their friends and neighbours that I have known as long as I can remember.  They all looked very old and tired.  I realized that my friend’s father was just 3 years older than both of my parents and that at 79, I haven’t got very long left with them.  A very sobering thought.

Full hotel Monday night – had to cook dinner for 12.  The errant guest seemed to have found somewhere new to stay.  Hope he got a gobblin teasmaid there too – NOT!  Far too busy to be thinking much.

Tuesday morning, did breakfast for the hotel guests and was talking to one of the staff as we were clearing up.  She just mentioned the guest in passing.  That was it.  The walls came tumbling down.  I just fell apart completely.  Pandoras box had blown its lid.

I just couldn’t stop crying.  I cannot describe the hollow empty sadness that was gnawing at me.  I can only say that I have never felt so bad in my life.  I tried to recall various other events in my life that were grief filled.  Finding my grandfather dead on my way home from school at 13, losing my Border Collie dog to a train when I was 16, saying goodbye to my nan after she had a stroke and could barely still hear and see me, terminating a baby for medical reasons… Nothing compared.  It hurt when she told me it was over.  It hurt even more when she moved out with the children, but I could not explain why it hurt so much more now.  For God’s sake its 22 months since we split.  I thought I was getting through it all.  I thought I had seen the worst of it all.

However, although I dreaded seeing here with someone else, I expected it would be in the vegetable aisle at Asda or something like that.  Not locked in a passionate embrace in my home.

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage, unsurprisingly, and have come to the conclusion that it was never to be.

I can’t remember since the birth of our first child 16 years ago when I could honestly say that I felt loved.  I always took the back seat to our children.  All 3 were conceived by accident.  Had she not fallen pregnant with the first, I honestly believe that we probably would not have married.  I didn’t really want to marry, but when she fell pregnant, I did the honourable thing.  I was a convenient, solvent, fashion accessory back then, that became the lifetime provider.  Now my usefulness has expired.  She has never known any different in her adult life.  She is in for such a wake-up call.  I just need to expedite the separation of our assets and moving on.  Bitter? Yes.  Wiser? Yes.  Ready to go another five rounds with a new one? Hell no

So why did it all come unstitched?  Thinking about it, in ten short days I saw everything that had been important to me in my life disappearing away from me.  My children, my marriage, my parents, my business and my life.  I just couldn’t take any more hurt.

I have been to the doctors and have started the antidepressants prescribed to me exactly 12 months ago, that have been sat on my bedside table exuding a placebo effect – there if I need them.  Well now I do.

For sure, I thought I had seen the worst of my pain, but hell how wrong I was.  One very wise wikiperson said to me ‘She can’t hurt you any more now’.  So right.  No more.

I have written this for 2 reasons.  One, for myself to try to get everything down and make some sense of it all.  Two, so I don’t have to repeat myself to anyone who has been wondering where I have been.  This isn’t going to stay up long, as it is just a bit too personal, but I had to get it out of my system.

Again thank you so much to my very special friends who have been looking out for me.  I’ll be there for you one day too.

If you read this far - for goodness sake! I'm impressed.

Mike