Wedsnesday 29th August - Alton Towers?

Cant quite believe that here we are coming to the end of the summer – kids go back to school (not mine), evening drawing in fast, winter draws on as my Grandmother used to say!

These last couple of months have crawled by, it seemed at the time, but now I look back and think where on earth did those months go, its like some sort of blur, such tricks time plays on us.  And bloody hell that’s one more summer I won’t ever have again and how I wasted it!  Bugger, bugger, bugger!  That’s French for oh deary me by the way.

My daughter has gone to Alton Towers for the day – she loves the big rides, all the highs and lows, all the fear looking over the edge just before you plumet, the relief when you have survived that particular fall only for it to start all over again.  Does this sound famliar to all those going through separation?  I hate the big rides, give me a nice smooth little chugga train ride any day, a few fast corners and I am happy.

But here I find myself on this endless big dipper and yesterday I felt I was coming in to land, but today I find myself hanging over the edge again, just waiting for that sickening drop, I don’t really know why I am feeling like this either.

I just feel that most of this breakdown is my fault, I could have tried harder, I know if I had this would never have happened, I should have shown him I cared more, I shouldn’t have taken him for granted so much.

There are days when I don’t regret the ending of this relationship one little bit, and even today, feeling the way I do, I don’t really regret the end of it apart from the fact that people are going to be hurt when they are told, the kids, my Mum, probably not his Mum!

There is a certain feeling of total failure as well, and any breakdown of any relationship is ultimately very sad, especially long relationships.  The future is less certain than it was a few months back – I don’t think that bothers me too much, I do have a roof over my head and I’m hardly going to starve.