Monday 20th August - is he the man I knew?

Silly me, somehow I thought once we had got all this out into the open there would be some sort of resolution. Not to be it seems, spent yesterday with him all day, made small talk waited for him to ask anything really, but he is ignoring the situation totally and just talking about inconsequential things. So today I am going to have to start again – things need sorting out. I don’t really want to be the one doing all the running here – one of the things he said to me was I don’t listen and he cannot talk to me, so please talk to me I am listening, I tell him this.

Although he is not facing up to the problem with me he still talks to Pat about it, he doesn’t know that I know this, but I do, and some awfully hurtful things are being said about my ability as a wife and a mother.

I am really finding out things that I am not sure I want to face up to myself.

She has been the sympathetic shoulder to cry on for years now – he is used to going to her – what hurts most in these situations – the sharing of the bed or the sharing of the confidences and feelings? Either way to my way of thinking, both as bad really, well to me. Sex is sex can mean something, can mean nothing, but sharing your thoughts and feelings with somebody else and not the person you should be sharing them with is more hurtful

Seems to me our love statue, which is a pile of rubble is now being ground into dust.

Queens song ‘Save Me’ sums up most of my feelings here (not the bit about loving him til I die mind, f*** that!!!!! Not naked either come to think of it!)

It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair
I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you,
How I cried...
The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems
The years belie we lived a lie
I love you 'til I die
Save me, save me, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me, save me, save me...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

God – I really hadn’t expected things to get this difficult, how niaive can you get – I’m of to indulge in some more self pity and cry my eyes out and walk the dog.

Back and calm now – that dog walk always inspires me, and the dog is always so optimistic, no matter what

Well gave him an ultimatum tonight – stay with me and try to work things out, but no contact whatsoever with Pat, or see Pat and leave.

Answer - off he goes to keep fit – with – yep Pat, saying ‘for Gods sake we are just good friends!’ Saying ‘this means nothing its just a class, and it doesn’t mean I have made my mind up.’ No, but I bloody have!

Well duh???????