Just another day...

  Well another weekend. People think that as time passes, we come to terms with issues like this. Well thats not really true. Yes, some people get over things quicker than others, but they're the lucky ones. Tomorrow it will be four months since I was told this news, and it doesn't get easier. There are times when all I do is cry like a baby, yes those days are less frequent,  but they are still coming. It keeps going through my head that maybe we should have done things differently. That maybe we should have had the family that we always wanted. But maybe they would now be caught in the middle.

  So where do I go now?

  My "friends" clearly have no idea what this does to a person. The way you feel unloved and cast to one side. This is one of those times when what we need the most is support, understanding and compassion. We need to feel loved again.

  I guess with this one I'm alone, well not alone, I've got you guys, but there are times when what I really need is a hug. Not the sort that you get from some people that's just going through the motions. What I really need is someone to give me one of those hugs that makes you feel that no matter what they love you. The sort of hug that makes you feel that your not alone.

  I know that going through this it knocks everybody down, down on your knees. I'm a very shy person by nature, even though I pour part of my some of my heart out on a web site. What most would do now is to try and rebuild their lives, to try and stand back up. That's all I want to do. As you all know I've joined that local gym to try and build my body and self worth up. Yes, I have no self confidence, clearly no real friends, so what do I do? Spending most of time in the house restricts my contact with the outside world, hell I've got more friends on here that understand what I'm going through than in "real" life. There's some part of me that wants to go out and and start my life afresh, not totally afresh, I couldn't be without my boy. I'm beginning to think that he's the only one who know what I'm going through. When I feel down he always manages to look up at me with those big brown eyes with a look that says, "daddy I love you, now can we play and then you can tickle my belly". Thanks boy, who's going to tickle my back????

  So I'm sat here, feeling lonely as hell. Yes I can go into the chat room, and I do once in a while, but it's not the same as being sat down talking face to face with someone. It gotten to the point that sometimes I feel like asking if there's anybody in my area that wants to get out of the house, have a drink and solve the worlds problems, starting with each others stbx.

  Well I'm going, I haven't had the desire to look for a waterproof keyboard and this one might be getting a bit damp soon. Besides I've had this one for a while and I think it might get upset if I push it to one side a get a newer one. It's done well so far and has almost become a good friend. It never complains, always listens and even puts the letters I type onto the screen. Will try and make the gym this week. My stbx noticed on saturday that my shoulders are looking more defined and my arms look bigger. Didn't have the heart to tell her that it's from picking up boxes of tissues and lifting my boy up for a cuddle all the time. I even managed not to have a twix all weekend, although I did enjoy the cheese puffs and caramel wafers that I had with lunch.

  Good night all. Will try and make it into the chatroom during the week, I'll probably be the one trying not to make rude or sarcastic comments in the corner. Now I wonder if I left any crumbs of the twix I had last week in the jumper I was wearing. If not, I'll have to wait until I go out tomorrow. Just to make sure my body starts suffering without a constant twix hit I'll buy a couple for each room. Damn, I wonder what they put in those things that makes them so addictive.....