Sunny Saturday

There is hope! This week has been very up and down, saw counsellor on Wednesday and talked through the whole situation, which was very difficult, and upset me no end. Cried a lot afterwards, and drank too much too, which didn't help my state of mind. Felt awful on Thursday, and had upset stomach so phoned in sick, and spent the day lounging aound the house.

I realised that it's just a house, it's bricks and mortar, and now that he's gone, it doesn't mean anything anymore. The children and I could be happy in any other house, and hopefully we will be in the future.

My dad works in Saudi, and although I emailed him about what had happened, I had no response, so was unsure whether he'd got the message or not. He sent me a text yesterday about how worried he was about his investments, given the current financial crisis, I sent him one back which basically said ' I have more important things to worry about, my husband left me at the end of August for someone else, I don't give a stuff about your money!' Subtle, I know. He was very shocked and phoned me last night from Riyadh to see if there was anything he could do. I said unless he could turn back time, then no.

I understand now that no one can do anything to help me, I have to help myself. I have to reach the point where I appreciate myself as an important and worthy person who deserves more than I have accepted in the past. I have realised that love is not all about putting the other person first, it's also about being the person you were when you first got together, that vital and exciting person, with so much hope and expectation of a great life. I became so bogged down in becoming the person I thought he wanted me to be, that I forgot about me, and what I wanted. I concentrated on making the perfect life, keeping the perfect home, being the sensible and responsible mum, being the organised one, and making everyone else's life easier that I made my life more difficult.

I'm not saying that I'm over him, it will take a lot of time, and still more tears, and there will be days when I feel a complete failure. I loved him with all my heart, I love him still, but I know that the man he is now is not the man I married, not the man I spent the last 9 years with. He has changed, he wants someone different, and I have to get on with things. I miss him so much, but I tell myself that I do not need someone who, in the last 6 months made me feel paranoid, old, boring and frumpy, whilst living his double life up in the City

I am a nice person, I have two wonderful, clever, healthy children who love me, and although I'm not in the first flush of youth, I'm a fit 40 something woman. I have a supportive family, I am making new friends, and I thank all of the wiki people who have helped me get through the darker moments of the last 6 weeks.

I have had a good day today, the sun was shining, I went to the gym and did Body Combat to get rid of some aggression, the children went to see their dad, and I came back to my bricks and mortar, and read my paper in peace whilst enjoying my own company. Got ready, went into town to meet the kids, and caught sight of myself in a shop window, and you know what? I'm not half bad (still not wearing any make up in case of sudden crying attacks) Back home again now, having a quiet night in with the kids and a takeaway, and a glass or two of red wine - and I'm thinking what's so wrong with that?

Perhaps I should appreciate the good things I have in my life, and forget about him, and all the bad things. I am feeling positive, I will get over him, I will get through this and I will have a nice life. Going to be nice to myself, I deserve it!!

Thank you again for all your support, looking forward to meeting those of you going to Essex meet in a couple of weeks, and those going to to Halloween do in Birmingham.