Oct 10

2008

Lipstick and Perfume

Posted by Rani4 in tired and exhausted, feeling down

There was a time when I felt on top of it all.

A few weeks ago, I felt I owned my life. I worked, I took care of the house and the children. I was on the way to a fantastic career doing what I love to do.

I have lost that feeling.

I no longer feel on top. If anything I feel low, and have felt low for a while. It is gradual. First, I began to sleep badly, then I began to eat badly, then I started wearing my old drab clothes. I stopped wearing lipstick and today I realised that I haven't worn perfume this week.

I'd convinced myself that it was a temporary lapse and I will pick up again. But I keep on sinking.

What is happening to me?

I should be in a much better place now. In real terms I am indeed doing so much better. but emotionally, I am not in a good place. And I am so scared of sinking again. I cannot sink. I should not allow myself to sink but don't know how to pick myself up again.

I feel awful and look awful. And as I run upstairs to empty yet another laundry basket, I catch my reflection in a mirror. I see me looking tired and awful. I look awful. what happened to the woman who wouldn't leave the house without wearing her favourite lipstick and perfume. What happened to the woman who used to handle everything; the kids the house the friendships the career and still manage to look fresh and elegant. When did I become this unattractive awful person. And why. Why did I stop wearing my lipstick and perfume.

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fleur said:

October 11, 2008
		Rani I don't know how far down the road you are but it seems to me that the emotional side has only just kicked in for you. Set backs, I'm afraid, are very much a part of this mess that all of us on WIKI find ourselves. You sound like a strong capable woman but, perhaps you haven't allowed yourself enough time to properly grieve for what has happened. I used to be just like you, I was the original Stepford Wife but during the last few weeks I have changed tremendously. You will return to the real you in time, in the meantime do spend a little more "me" time on yourself. Book a spa day with some friends or a lunch out, that would give you a reason to put on the lipstick and perfume. Also, have a chat with your GP to make sure you are not depressed, there is no shame in asking for help during the dark days. And as I have learnt the mirror does lie, we see our inner selves reflected there. Hope you feel better soon XXX Fleur XXX

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mezzie said:

October 11, 2008
		((Rani)) You sound like you have not yet allowed yourself to give in to your emotions. They will drag you down & make you feel like hell if you try & do everything as before. Life for you has changed & you need time to decide how this new life will progress. You must take some 'me' time to help yourself work through your emotions & get ready to move on to the next stage of recovery. You will wear lipstick & perfume again - for your own self esteem, not for any man! X

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marriaa said:

October 11, 2008
		((((((rani))))) I think what you are feeling is quite normal.You go through a stage where you have to prove to yourself that you can do it all and do not to compromise.Most of us do this successfully at the beginning ,it is a way of denying what is going on and thus not allowing ourself the chance to grieve and the subsequent healing that follows. When we break a bone we acknowledge it and we are willing to take it easy till it is mended but whisked away again. We are the most unkind unkind to ourself. As long as the children do not suffer,the house does not have to be spotless.Your priority is your health. You will get low days,but you know that is just a bleep. Leave a set of your favorite in the car ,when you are feeling low a quick spray and some lip stick wil help. Beauty is skindeep you sound a much deeper person than this ,you will get through this. take care

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Rani4 said:

October 11, 2008
		Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I agree that beauty is skindeep. And I know that I look awful because I feel awful. Most probably, other people haven't even noticed a change. It is not about appearance - of course it isn't. It is about how one feels inside that matters. and at the moment, I don't seem able to shake that sinking feeling. May be I should see my GP. I just can't sink again. I cannot handle it. I cannot handle even the memory of those days when I was sinking and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

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carrie.watling said:

October 12, 2008
		Just wanted to add my bit - I totally agree - have a bath - put on some make updo your hair wear 'nicer' clothes and maybe a smile on your face and the world seems better - and people treat you differently as well. Good luck - i think half of it is knowing the solution and you do! Love Carrie x

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