Feel that I have found some inner peace

This last few weeks have seen a change in the way I see my situation. I am more than a year post seperation; nearly 6 months post Decree Absolute and less than a week away from would have been my 12 wedding anniversary.

I suffered greatly on the first anniversary apart. Trawling through wedding photos looking for signs that even then my now ex- husband didn't love me the way I thought.

I cried uncontrollably, wondering why he had put me through so much in our marriage. I have now accepted that there was never just me he was married to but that I shared my relationship with the curse of drink and gambling, to greater or lesser extent throughout my entire marriage.

My ex-husband is re-marrying next month to the woman he had the affair (the one I was oblivious to when I asked him to leave) with for god knows how long before we seperated. I can't dwell on this as it would bring too many questions and maybe answers I don't want to think about.

He still hasn't let go of the control he held over me during our marriage, I don't know whether he ever will entirely, not while the children are young at least.

The difference is that over the year I have gained insight into the sort of man I was married to and validated the thoughts and feelings his behaviour towards me generated over the years and to a greater extent since I asked him to leave.

I have realised that I didn't cause his behaviour. No woman asks to be treated the way my husband treated me. To feel worthless, fat and ugly, have no self-esteem, no confidence, no friends, a prisoner in my own home. To feel constantly on edge trying to keep the children quiet and stop them annoying him just by being children. To feel unsupported, unloved but not allowed to feel emotion either.

Never to be treated as an individual, never to have an opinion validated. Always being wrong or stupid. I never lived up to his view of what a wife should be, how could I as he was always moving the goalposts and wanted someone that I could never be.

Living with the lies was the hardest part because you get to the point where you really don't know the difference between truth and lie, he tells them so convincingly. Or maybe you just resign yourself to the fact that it makes little difference as he in some warped way believes what he says and does.

I always believed that I needed him to acknowledge his behaviour towards me in order for me to move on with my life and I guess that is what I have been seeking this last year. Of course I haven't found it and I doubt I ever will.

What I have found is peace of mind that it wasn't my fault. I am not saying that the entire marriage breakdown had nothing to do with me but I am not going to be his excuse either. I didn't make him drink to excess nor did I support his gambling, far from it. To be told that you led your husband to drink and gamble excessively is not fair. We are all adults and make our own life choices. That said, we are not always in the position to carry out those life choices like leaving an abusive partner.

I am proud of myself for finding the strength to carry through that life choice and of the strength and support I have gained in the last year. It has been a struggle and at times I have hit rock bottom and needed to be scraped of the floor.

This year has seen people come in and out of my life, mainly on wiki, that have supported me through some of the worst times of my life. I will always be grateful to those people.

I am still not completely sorted as far as the seperation from my ex-husband goes. Financially we have a settlement but further discussion continues in order to keep a roof over our children's heads. Well, I have started discussion with little joy from the other side but I have to look on it as a business function now and compartmentalise it, I can no longer let these sort of things dominate my thoughts.

Contact is still not great but I have accepted that he will never be the father or dad me or the children long for him to be and resign myself to the fact that I can only do my best for my 5 adorable children.

He still continues to harass me and I am in court next Thursday with regards to this. Some of you may recall that I have said enough is enough. Hopefully this court hearing will lay things to rest. My solicitor has supported me through this last stage and is now appreciating the sort of man I was married to. I will let you know how things turn out on this next week.

I have been supported to be able to feel the way I feel now by some lovely people, too many to mention them all but I need to say thank you to a select few that have been there for me whenever and I mean whenever I have needed them. Firstly my best friend Passport, he knows how I feel about him. Mankydog, A*J and Luckyfist are like my big brothers but even better because they chose to be my friends. They have listened to me cry, scream, be sad and angry and even made me smile and blush a few times. GeJay has been the little man on my shoulder chanting my mantra "I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and I am in control of my life".

I know I have only mentioned men and there have been women that have helped me through too but I needed to be able to make relationships with men that were supportive, trusting, equal relationships where I was a valid person in the relationship.

I have had a relationship that turned out to be destructive of who I was becoming, the person I used to be. It took me a while to realise that it was an unhealthy relationship but my true friends supported me through this and I finally saw my self worth and ended the relationship. (Although the man in question was also a rock at the worst time of my life for which I will be ever greatful).

I am now in a loving relationship although in the very early stages. This man, along with my friends has helped me to believe that I am a gorgeous, special, sensitive person and that I can be happy with who I am.

I wake up wanting to face the day with a smile and not dreading what the day will bring. I find myself singing and with a spring in my step just because I am happy to be alive.

I know life is not always going to be a bed of roses, but I feel better equipped to keep the thorns from hurting me now.

My heart is warm and my emotions more stable and manageable. I can now see a happy future for me  and the children whether we end up living in a tent or a mansion. Money has never been something that means much to me other than as a means to survive.

I am happy because of me and the way I now see my life. My children, my new man, my family and friends are what are important in life. I don't think I ever thought differently but maybe just found myself drowning in the whirlpool that is divorce.

So, I can wake up and see the sunshine of life although it may still rain occasionally the rainbow that comes out is truly beautiful and something to hold onto.

I can walk down the road now and hold my head up high because I am now beginning to see what other people see in me. A beautiful person.