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Oct 07
2008
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The root of all evil?Posted by mike62 in children, being single |
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It is just about 12 months since my wife moved out to her own place and took our children to live with her. I have them from Friday evening to Sunday evening. One of my biggest fears in the separation for the children was that they would adopt the stbx's selfish, materialistic, media and hype driven 'must have now at all costs' mentality.
Sadly it seems that has come to pass. Managed to get my eldest (16B) a job at a local 5* hotel over the summer holidays, waiting on at functions. He earned about £800 and luckily was paid by cheque - I had the privelidge of subbing him all through the holidays, against his little hoard. So I got him a bank account organised and he got a Solo card about a month ago. The pin followed a few days later. We had discussed how best to utilise his money and agreed that it would be nice to be able to pay for tickets for gigs, weekends away with his mates, driving lessons, the odd special treat over the coming year, until he was in a position to do some more work and top it up again.
Took him to a gig on Saturday and bought the tour T-shirt for him and his mate (again on a promise to pay me back, as I paid for all the tickets and the 200 mile round trip to get there). I casually asked the ex on Sunday how much he was into her for against his hoard, as he was fast approaching £150 to me.
'He's only got £150 left'..
'WHAT?! SO what the hell has he spent it all on in 3 bl**dy weeks?'
'You'll have to ask him that....'
OK, so YOU are the parent with care. YOU insist on them living with you. YOU oversee what he is up to day to day, and YOU have no idea what he blew £650 in a bit over 3 weeks on? And you expect me to quiz him next weekend about it? Well thank you so much...
Hot on the heels of this conversation, my middle one (13G) announces tht she knows what she wants me to buy her for Christmas. 'I want one of those new Ipods.'
A new Ipod? What is wrong with the 4Gb pink one that is 25% full and fully functional that was bought for you less than 12 months ago?
'I want the NEW one'
Hmmmmmmmmm - Is it me? Am I totally unreasonable?
SO how do you reverse this attitude? How do you make them see that it doesn't grow on trees? When your influence extends to less than 48 hrs a week, though the teenage ones sleep for 24 of those hours?
This is one of the many frustrations of being the absent parent. You have little, if any, influence over their moral guidance or common sense. Through no fault of your own. You just have to live with the results.
Sadly it seems that has come to pass. Managed to get my eldest (16B) a job at a local 5* hotel over the summer holidays, waiting on at functions. He earned about £800 and luckily was paid by cheque - I had the privelidge of subbing him all through the holidays, against his little hoard. So I got him a bank account organised and he got a Solo card about a month ago. The pin followed a few days later. We had discussed how best to utilise his money and agreed that it would be nice to be able to pay for tickets for gigs, weekends away with his mates, driving lessons, the odd special treat over the coming year, until he was in a position to do some more work and top it up again.
Took him to a gig on Saturday and bought the tour T-shirt for him and his mate (again on a promise to pay me back, as I paid for all the tickets and the 200 mile round trip to get there). I casually asked the ex on Sunday how much he was into her for against his hoard, as he was fast approaching £150 to me.
'He's only got £150 left'..
'WHAT?! SO what the hell has he spent it all on in 3 bl**dy weeks?'
'You'll have to ask him that....'
OK, so YOU are the parent with care. YOU insist on them living with you. YOU oversee what he is up to day to day, and YOU have no idea what he blew £650 in a bit over 3 weeks on? And you expect me to quiz him next weekend about it? Well thank you so much...
Hot on the heels of this conversation, my middle one (13G) announces tht she knows what she wants me to buy her for Christmas. 'I want one of those new Ipods.'
A new Ipod? What is wrong with the 4Gb pink one that is 25% full and fully functional that was bought for you less than 12 months ago?
'I want the NEW one'
Hmmmmmmmmm - Is it me? Am I totally unreasonable?
SO how do you reverse this attitude? How do you make them see that it doesn't grow on trees? When your influence extends to less than 48 hrs a week, though the teenage ones sleep for 24 of those hours?
This is one of the many frustrations of being the absent parent. You have little, if any, influence over their moral guidance or common sense. Through no fault of your own. You just have to live with the results.
Comments (7)
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saffron1968
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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Dear Mike It is so difficult when parents can`t agree and work together as the kids just get confused and do not understand bounderies. My son is 11 and just after his birthday I set him up a bank acount and he get an allowance of £15 per month from me and has a cashpoint card. He has been very good with his money so far....cos when its gone its gone and he doesnt get any more till next month. His dad gives him a little spending money when he is with him and I try to get him to understand that money does not grow on trees. Luckily I do have the support of Michael`s dad in what we agree. Only just starting agreeing about things in last 2 years, been divorced from him for just over 7 now. My son came back from school yesterday and announced that there are some spare places on an Austrian skiing trip and could he go a some have dropped out (he has just started secondary school) I asked how much and when. Its next month and £649. I dont think so....i explained that even if myself his dad his pappa and uncle all chipped in, that would mean that we couldnt afford to get him a lap top at christmas. He decided that a lap top would be far more use. He doesnt go with out, we went skiing a couple of years ago, had a holiday in Cofru in August and are off to Germany on 13th dec......it is hard work trying to get kids to understand the value of things. Good luck Saffy xxx |
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Poppie
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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Mike, I fully understand your frustrations as the absent parent, but please believe me it is not so easy being the parent caring for a 13 year old. We have always been fortunate financially and son has always had what he wanted at Christmas and birthdays, he had pocket money each week and has a healthy savings account. 16 months ago this changed completely. Fortunately he has adapted well and understands that I cannot buy him everything he wants. He still gets pocket money from both myself and ex and if he wants something he saves up for it. We live on a tight budget and have had to make many changes but we are surviving and the bills are paid and have no debt. I hope as the main carer that I am getting things right but it is not easy I can only do my best. Poppie x |
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marriaa
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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((((((Mike)))) I know how frustrating you must be.Unfortunately it is the world children are brought in at the moment,though we have an influence on them ,the outside world have more.Children do take advantage when parents are not united,they can play one against each other but they do grow out of it. If he goes without for awhile hopefully he will learn a lesson. Can you imagine having to girls! |
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JessieJ
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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Hi Mike .... I share your frustrations. I have two boys 14 and 10 and I am sure they think there is a printing press in my garage!!! My eldest has a £10 per week allowance from me and his dad (going well by the way  and he has to use this for cinema trips, swimming, skating etc at the weekends plus saving for his friends and families birthdays but he still says its not enough!!! His friends always seem to have a bottomless pit where money is concerned... they always have money for whatever activity is suggested, the latest trainers (£85????) and the latest model ipod or gaming system .... how do their parents do it? I would suggest that if your daughter wants the new ipod ... she learns how to use ebay and sells off some of the 'retired' or 'vintage' stuff in her collection! Dont get me started on contract mobile phone bills either ... £85 and 1500 texts last month ... that free phone seemed such a good idea at the time! |
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Shezi79
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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You don't give it to them Mike....  Shezi xx |
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fattabby
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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Mike I know its a nightmare but you put in 15 and 12 years respectively - believe me your influence is well known but possibly not liked (just right now!) let them learn their lessons. Its a bore being the disciplined; sensible; moderate one whilst another ptnr plays the frivolous; fun; live for the moment parent (or is that friend?) but we cant change who we are and we dont have to be drawn into the game. Dont attempt to control that which is out of your reach but dont hold your silence either - tell your son how sad it makes you but let him know you recognise he had the backing of his mother so what can you do and then calmly explain to him what you worry about for the future. Soonest you get yr financial separation the better it will be for you Mike. Sorry its such a painx FT |
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fade2gray
said:
| October 07, 2008 | ||
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Hi Mike, I do sympathise and know how it feels but had to laugh.....what else can you do? I think I am fortunate in some ways because I am a single parent and my daughter always judged (and still does) how much I should spend on her in relationship to how much I am spending on myself. She appreciates that times are hard sometimes and asks for nothing which is very sweet. I would never keep track of how much she is meant to owe me at any given time but that does not teach a child to be responsible with money. I feel she always has been, so there was no need to reinforce that in her case. If you feel there is where your sons are concerned why not show them your wage slips, bills, outgoings and help them to understand so they will be more responsible in the future? There was one occasion a few months ago when my daughter had borrowed money off me because she was working 'a month in hand'. Do not know how much she owed me at the time but the fact that she walked in after recieving her pay and proudly offered and gave me (even though it was a fraction of what she owed me) some cash without any kind of prompting really meant alot. I wouldn't be too hard on your sons. x |
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