Reasonably Unreasonable

Much has happened since my last post here. Then again much stays the same.

The divorce, like a large supertanker, moves obstinately forwards. The legal corresponding seems to be offering some contol, but not sure whether we can head off the collision with the huge iceberg that is court proceedings, which fxw and her inarticulate mule of a solicitor seem so insanely keen on. We wrote them a couple of long letters, explaining that it was a real shame that we didn't follow family law prototocol of negoatiating UB particulars prior to petition (as is explicitly recommended on fxw's solicitor's website in an article written by the woman herself!). Took the opportunity, however, to completely refute the stream of vitriolic nonsense that was given, and spell out what I would have found more acceptable as an account of unreasonable behaviour, at least as a starting point for negotiation as to what could have been included in a petition. 

We are told that UB particulars don't matter. My feeling? These things should be seen as an opportunity to tell the truth. Because the truth matters. And lies cause damage. So if you are one of those people who have had an affair and have decided to divorce your partner using their unreasonable behaviour. I suggest that you search your soul and try to describe the things that led you to seek emotional comfort (or whatever else) in the arms of another man/woman. You will be forgiven for breaking up your marriage, and responsibility for its breakdown will be shared by your future-ex partner if you accept and present the truth. You will not be forgiven for casting your future-ex as a bad person to vindicate your own deep seated feelings of guilt. You will not be forgiven for attempting to in any way diminish your children's involvement with your future-ex in order to pursuade yourself that your catastrophic decision to tear your family apart was any less self-indulgent and self-centred than it actually was.

Anyway, the letters, which included the 'approved' version of what I felt she could have cited as UB particulars, allowed me to make sure that her solicitor (and I guess ultimately the judge) are completely aware of what had gone on in our marital breakdown. It also made it clear how completely involved I am with my kids on a continual basis 'in every aspect of the children’s daily lives: academically, socially, domestically, developmentally and emotionally, and depriving them of any of this involvement would have an extremely negative impact on their lives and their future development.'

It also suggests that we go to the Tavistock for some divorcing couple counselling in order to help us communicate better (thanks to YummyMummy for the tip in response to a forum post here!). And a bunch of other sensible reasonable things, at least in my opinion. 

 Anyway, the response was rather short and subdued, and apparently FXW's solicitor has been trying to reach mine on the phone to have some kind of chat. Sounds positive, but anything could happen so I'm not raising my hopes up. 

 Domestically things seem to have improved a little. I stood up for myself the other morning, asking FXW to, please, stop ordering me around in front of the kids. Particularly when we've agreed that they are my responsibility for the day. She started to argue back, but the children would actually not put up with it and the oldest (6), announced, 'no arguments please. Thankyou'. I didn't want to appear triumphalist, but I had to say that he had a point. Things did calm down after that. There's been a lot less 'infanticising' of me, less ordering around, and more 'hands off' when they are with me for the day/morning/evening. She continues to spend a lot of time out and about anyway. 

 I've had some nice social outings. Met some new people, enjoyed a couple of evenings of flirtation with extremely drop-dead-gorgeous and out-of-my-league younger woman. The main thing was the enjoyment of laughing a lot with someone, and making them laugh a lot too. I felt that I was back to a normality I thought I'd lost. 

Anyway, v tired now. Had a marvellous day with kids - we went round to one of their friends from school's house - a local mum on her own - and hung out and did stuff.

Not bad really. Not as bloggable as the inevitable pain, nastiness and fear we all get to feel, but I thought I'd write something a bit upbeat this time. 

night night

tmb