Mixed Signals

I think a lot has happened since my last blog, not all for the good though.I,m still having to cope with the downfall of my marriage,still having to keep up appearances at work[no-one at work is aware].Still having to face the heartache of coming home to an empty household which used to be filled with noises equivalent of planes taking off.The lone existance i have now is unbearable.I keep saying to myself i did the right thing,sometimes thats enough to make me feel stronger,other times it simply doesnt.

I should point out although my marriage was less than a year, there are 2 children from stbx,s previous relationships,2 boys 8yo and 3yo[which is where the plane noises came from]eldest has a relationship with his biological father, youngest never known his biological dad.To say i took them on sounds like a duty,it wasnt ,it was natural,without hesitation,with all the love i could give them.I was Dad2 and Daddy.I,ve written this because further along this blog will be an explanation.

Back to the basis of writing this blog,again as with my first blog its so alien for me to pour out whats within me here but i did get comfort from putting it down the first time,so here goes.Recently my stbx collected personal prop from house,i knew from previous experience it would cause problems,and boy didnt it just!!First comment was i seeing an ex gf[ex gf lives local ] , answer honestly No,what makes people think you just go live the life of riley? its not me, its not the way i do things,never has been,never will be.From the tone of first comment i knew it would only get worse.Questions got heated,comments got more abusive..here we go again!! I will add now in 2007 i had a major heart attack.Last comment i received from her was that if/when i have another heart attack make it fatal!!!Typical abuse yes,am i surprised no,thats similar to what i have had to endure for 12 months in marriage.The comment made me shake my head in disgust it was cruel beyond belief.

Some time passed [wks] i receive several txts informing me petition papers havent yet arrived to her and could i gee  my solictor up as they said it wouldnt be long, its now been several weeks.I ignored all txts except 1 when requested solicitor number for her to gee herself.Last contact recently i get txt to bring family pet to her and she also wanted to discuss/chat.Again first comment was i seeing anybody,answered no,small talk followed, i was on edge,extremely uncomfortable,youngest child came down stairs,stbx said look whos here,he looked over and called me by first name,not daddy, i had to turn away,i broke down,tried to stifle the tears,couldnt bear him to see me cry,that was the most heartbreaking thing ive ever had to go through.I left the house,went home and sat dazed.I received txt asking why i left and asked myself is it not self explanatory.A week has passed since that event.Ive deliberately omitted several things that have happened which is not only extremely raw,private,but so unbelievable that i can not express it here.

To return to title of this blog which i seemed to have digressed from, i seem to be totally inept at understanding any communication from my stbx.I would welcome any views on this.

1.Why ask if i was seeing somebody else? does she care/ will it make her feel better if i lied and said yes?

2.Why utter such vitriol as "fatal heart attack"? is that her being on the defensive?

3.after comment above i received txt asking me how am i? is that her way of remorse for comment?

4.requesting the speeding up of petition papers after initially stating her reluctance to have anything to do with divorce? I also know now [ from her] she has not been in contact with a solicitor to act for her?

5. After several txts regarding how upset the children are/ going to be yet not allowing any contact with them?

6.As above when stbx previously stated im only daddy youngest child knows then to visit and hear youngest call me by first name?

Im totally confused by all this,im so helpless that i cannot understand what it means,im trying to move forward but i seem to go one step then three steps back.