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Oct 04
2008
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Maybe I should have entitled this blog entry as "My life as a musical soundtrack (Pt.3)". The title of this blog is quoted from the lyrics from a beautiful song by John Martyn.
When it comes to symbolising what is most true to me (for personal and other reasons,) folk music, more than any other genre, comes closer than any other musical form to encompassing my feelings and passion. John Martyn must be one of the most blessed musicians, if only because his experience (and expression of those experiences), most closely matches my own. I loved his music (and lyrics) before I met my wife, and will continue to love (nay, revere) his songs for always.
Just when I think I have a handle on everything that is Divorce, I listen to one of John Martyns albums and I am reduced to tears. So it was tonight. It scares the very soul of me.
I had made a decision, after all the hurt that has happened in the last two years, that I would concentrate my efforts on raising my children (disregarding my own feelings, my own needs) and employ misdirection to get through this difficulty time.
My reasoning, as simple as it is, I had coped with the most awful shock of my life and was still breathing. Yeah, I had suffered the worst that could be thrown at me, and I was still standing.
The grim reality is that I don't think that I will ever ‘get over' the destruction of my life. I watch performances of John Martyn singing "Couldn't love you more", past and present, and realise that you never really get over what has gone before. No, you just become more able to deal with it.
And that is what really scares me. Unlike John Martyn, I haven't yet (not sure if I ever will, but so want to) found the new love of my life that might help me through. I have only memories and regrets.
I so want to dedicate myself, my energy, my everything, to a person that might return those feelings. But, so far, I live in a vacuum of feelings and emotion and worry that might never change.
Living in hope and wishing for peace, as always,
Mike.
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BiTTeR_AnD_TwIsTeD
said:
| October 04, 2008 | ||
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I am unsure as to whether I should comment or not, I can offer you no hope as I am in the same position as yourself. All I would say, is that you are still standing as I am (only just) and to keep your focus on your child as I am with mine. He is really the only reason to carry on and I too put all my time, effort and money into his wellbeing. As when I die, he will be my only legacy and my aim is he will remember all the love and hapiness we shared. As for true love I am not ashamed to say I am no longer a believer, but one thing I am sure of is you can never know the future.... |
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Shelia
said:
| October 05, 2008 | ||
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Mike I too have not found new love, and I think we all yearn for love it is natural for human beings to seek out others and not want to be alone. But I have found friendships, many on this site. They have been and still are invaluable to me. Being on my own has made me stronger and I stand on my own two feet with a lot more considerable ease now, although there have been many scary moments and self doubts in getting to this position. I think, although I have not appreciated having to do this, it has made me more of a person than i was before. I am now in a stronger position to give and receive love without it being marred by me being a needy mess. I have learnt more about who I am without the encumberences of being in a relationship. I did marry very young probably before my personality had been given the freedom to develop fully. I know what you are going through is a nightmare in its horribleness. But don't give up. I never believed I would be ok and yet I am. it is hard to have faith in yourself that you will cope and can cope. I do not know you but from reading yout blog I think you will be fine in the end. Have some patience with yourself and cut yourself a bit of slack. Best wishes Shelia X |
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spooky
said:
| October 05, 2008 | ||
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Thank you so much for the John Martyn link. I too am in your position and fear getting invoved. I hope that what has happened in the past will not affect a relationship in the future but some years after my divorce I still feel unable to give myself to another relationship. I have not listened to John Martyn for years, I loved that song when I was younger, it made me smile and although I have smiled this morning it is tinged with regret now. I feel that divorce has spoiled it for me and any other relationships I may have will be measured against that failure. One day.....................................................I used to think there would never be another one day for me but now I can see a future....................you will too!! xx |
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buxtonman
said:
| October 05, 2008 | ||
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Love is a rare thing and only comes along once in a blue moon. You can't chase it or find it really. Just have to hope for it. So I choose to be hopeful. Might be next week or next year. Who knows! Until then, I am beginning to enjoy living alone again so either way may be ok  Andy |
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cindygirl
said:
| October 05, 2008 | ||
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Love always finds a way & i think it will come to us all again one day. Ive had 3 loves in my life, all long term, 10 yrs, 6 yrs & 16 yrs. I know i'm capable of love & companionship again & i'm sure someone new will come along that i'm attracted to. Ive had a few men chasing me this year but i felt they were too different to me? Its strange too, men my own age seem to old, yet i darent go for the men that are more than a few years younger than i am lol I had a 35 yr old trying to make me commit to him a few months ago, i liked him a lot as a friend but he was too young!!! I'm just not setting myself up for more heartache. I'm sure if we all get well, heal from our past & divorce that someone will find us, we dont really have to look, i never did before lol Cindy |
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IKNOWNOW
said:
| October 05, 2008 | ||
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Mike, You have come so far in all of this, you know you have. Life is throwing its little troubles at you at the moment and you are sidetracked or distracted by these things. In time things will settle, we have to keep telling ourselves that. You have been there for me at the end of the phone and vice versa, many a late night conversation we have had about love, life and the universe. Give yourself time, let life flow without added effort and see where it takes you. Stranger things have happened. You have given your children a stable home against the odds, be proud of what you have acheived in the last 18 months or so. Sorry, I am waffling and getting off the point. You can twist my ear later. Take care and be kind to yourself. xx Sarah xx (((((hugs))))) |
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