Well, now you know ....

This might not make sense, but I didn't post it for you. I posted it for me. Because I needed to. It's not all in the right order, I didn't even check it, I just typed what I thought.....

I pondered long and hard over the save and close button ...

So here goes ...

She was 18 years old. Had nothing, wanted nothing, but love.

I was older, had a house (not a nice one), had a car (not a flash one).

We ate pizza, played playstation, made love, went to the cinema .....

God, how I miss those days.

How did it end up like this?

I guess I must have crushed her really, crushed her hopes and dreams.

I never took her on holiday, no romantic meals, no flashy gifts (in fact what date was her birthday?).

But I loved her (as much as I could).

I was unwilling to get married, always told her 'you never know what could happen'.

She said she would love me 'Always and Forever'.

I said 'you can't say that, you never know how you might change'.

Prophetic words (self-fulfilling prophecy I tend to think now).

I spent hours on the computer, building them playing games on them, playing guitar (as I always have), whilst she sat downstairs watching tv.

I am very home oriented though, I had a wild past, but that was a long time ago, since then I'd been married and divorced (at 21!) my fault and I walked away with nothing as I should, and a few other relationships (one long-term).

But all the things I liked to do were fairly lonely pursuits, so she either couldn't or didn't want to join in, although she did try, but her heart wasn't in it and the things I like require time and patience (she never had any hobbies before you ask).

In fact later on, when in the relationship all we had to focus on was each other, we realised that we really had nothing in common ...

I don't generally like people and don't care for their company, sad I know ....

I don't have any friends, nobody to talk to, but I am alright with that.

Unfortunately, my home is my castle and I defend my privacy fiercely, she is fairly trusting and friendly and was used to a busy family home with all sorts of family and friends regularly to-ing and fro-ing. 

I see the bad first in all people and hate the world, she was the only person I let into my life, the only person I trusted for nearly 8 years

She was a shining light, someone I could trust, talk to, be myself with (unfortunately for her).

I asked her why she would want to go out? Why wouldn't she want to stay in with me? She stopped going out......

She cooked and cleaned and worked, I took out the rubbish, paid the bills, worked, looked after the car (this part I do not apologise for, it's my opinion of how things should be) you know how it goes.

I worked long hours (shift work), she did a 9-5 office job, she spent many evenings alone.

She was unhappy in her job, I told her to quit and do what she wanted, I supported her while she was out of work and she tried one other job before realising the grass wasn't greener and went back.

After a few years we decided, we would like a child, to be a family, a symbol of our love and happiness.

My sunshine was born 10lb 1oz and he was pure heaven. Pure hell for her unfortunately and she was a little messed up you know where. That took over a year to get back to normal.

Stressful time, as it is for most of us.

She got into debt, I paid it off, ran up huge telephone bills, I paid them. I am quite good with money (a fact I will be punished for soon I am sure) and this unnerved me.

I paid for a lot of her driving lessons, eventually buying her a car (the nicer one of the two obviously ...)

She started going out a lot, bingo, friends, just... out .... seemed like she always needed something else, or maybe she wasn't getting whatever it was at home ... who knows ?

But we were a family and although some of you may find this controversial, I believe things that are done within those confines and incidents that are infrequent over a number of years, should be viewed with a perspective; I don't mean abuse or affairs, I am quite a moral person I believe. My morals of course, but I don't think they are too far from being just and good.

We got married. I had always resisted, but how could I now? What justification could I give to the one I would be with forever, the mother of my child......

I believe what you do in the marriage, you do for the marriage and for the duration of the marriage. I therefore honestly think you should always take what you have given within the marriage.

Not always pound for pound in monetary or property terms of course, I understand when a mother who has stayed at home for 16 years, raised children, cooked, cleaned etc. Should not be cast aside and left with nothing when a new love flounces in and captivates the head, heart and wallet of the husband.

And to my mind this is where the fundamental flaw appears to be with divorce law.... it based itself on this 1950's principal of marriage and has never really changed.

But when you have it all already, and you think of how you stand to lose it all and have to start again .... It is to my mind incomprehensible for such a short marriage when it appears only she has gained.

She has worked her way up in her career, Gone on girlie 'evenings out' until 5a.m.  (!?) while I babysat. Training courses away, long hours at work, being called back late in the evening ... it was too much (and of course I was in trouble for not supporting her 100%).

She has learnt to drive, got a car (with a gift of my insurance bonus) made a career, had a couple of holidays abroad (even one with the 'girls' (and no I wasn't overjoyed, but did not try to stop it)).

Do you know, I really struggle to think of one instance where I have gained anything.... That is sad for me I know, but I really can't. You could argue the years when we were happy, the birth of our son (that she has now taken from me) ...and I should pay her for this, really? I don't think so!

We disagree of course on this point. When we were splitting up she said she didn't think it was a waste of 8 years, I said it was. .. A bit harsh maybe, but I could honestly be sitting here and it could be 8 years ago, now she's gone, there isn't much difference in me.

A while ago I even tried to switch my role at work to get more time at home, it meant I was paid less, but without the shift work. We didn't suffer financially and it didn't quite work out, but I tried.

'Mind games' she calls them ... Maybe it's true. I am a very careful person by nature, never one to cast aside my doubts. Never been a gambler (drunkard or womaniser either by the way) always weighing up the odds before I do anything, thinking of the many possible outcomes to what I am about to do, because I really detest the feeling of not being in control.

Even further, what would I then do if any of those 'possible outcomes' materialise. Unfortunately, I think this way in all things. How I am with people, how I am in my work, with any reasonably big purchases and mostly how I argue or get my point across. I try to work out how people think and what makes them tick and then I try to work out how they will react to what I have to say.... and then what I will say back to that. Incidentally, this is why I have never 'chatted anyone up', the fear of rejection, the lack of self esteem and the fact that I don't know the outcome. Much better to wait for them to show an interest in you, so you know you have less to fear.

The control thing stems back to my past I think, so many times I have been out of control and done some unbelievably stupid things. Things I couldn't ever possibly reveal (not even here) sometimes in the name of 'love', sometimes just being completely messed up. Over the years I have learnt to control and hide my emotions well, sometimes too well (like she felt I didn't love her).

In the end she felt that she was not good enough for me, felt that she couldn't be the person I wanted (a bit passive/aggressive to be honest, like her fault but mine really) , however I deserve it as I am quite good at that as well, but she also hated the fact that I used to be 'right' .... a lot. Not just that I thought I was, but I actually was. Something to do with the age difference or life experience, I don't know.

I tried helping with the housework, watching her TV programs, spending less time on my hobbies, but things didn't improve, I think it was already 'damage done'. 

Sex had also been low on her agenda for a few years now and I must admit it felt awkward as it's always been important for me.

The whole thing just became hard work for both of us, not natural, just barely clinging on day to day, making no effort to be a couple (we all know the story).

I watched as she grew beyond our marriage and I couldn't hold on to her, felt her slipping through my fingers.

It made me angry of course, we argued, but it was inevitable.

You know, I'm not so sad about our past, it's gone.

What I am sad about is that now there is  no future for us.