Wednesday 15th August - I wont beat myself up over this!

More positive today – funny really how my moods and feelings seem to swing from day to day from hour to hour even.

Not much sleep again but at least the weather relented long enough to get 3 sets of tennis in.

Reckon excercise is a good mood booster, at least it stops you dwelling on problems and stops the continuing cycle of thoughts and worries that just seem to go round in my head if I don’t have anything else to take my mind away from it.

So had another long think last night and this afternoon and have come to the conclusion that all these doubts and self blaming are getting me nowhere.

I have just got to accept the fact that it has happened and the why and wherefors may or may not be established.

Just because I trusted the guy and did not stop him is nothing to beat myself up about.  If he decided to feel sorry for himself and believe I didn’t care, that’s his bloody stupid fault.  I’m not going to try and make any more excuses for him.  He chose his route and he will have to face the consequences.  Even if I had my niggles, didn’t mean that I went out looking for a male shoulder to cry on and another persons bed to find comfort in!

I look at the facts I have about this relationship over and over again, trying to see an innocent explaination, but it just is not there, hotel bill booked for a double in both their names, visit to the solictor, the way he has been acting, the things I know he has lied about and said.  There is no way that it adds up to anything else.  If it wasn’t my husband that was doing this I wouldn’t think twice about his guilt – so that’s that!

Communication has been a problem that at least is obvious, but again didn’t mean I went out to find comfort elsewhere – so bloody sod it!  I have had enough!

I am fed up with feeling trapped in my own home pacing around and not being able to relax.

When will the time be right though?

Will I put the confrontation off?  Find excuses for not doing it – maybe – but I guess I will know when I am ready and act

A Level results out tomorrow – so fingers crossed for my daughter and anyone else out there who will be getting their reults tomorrow.  Good luck and sleep well.