My sunshine through the rain for a forever rainbow

I am struggling to complete documents for the courts. Not because I don't have the information or need help in completing them though.

 Some of you maybe aware that I decided to withdraw my application to extend my Non-Molestation Undertakings because a judge felt I would lose and it would cost me thousands to pursue and lose. I still stand by the allegations of abuse but decided I couldn't fight any more.

 Since the court date I have had intimidating mail, voicemail and text from my ex-husband. I advised the court of the mail in my application to withdraw. A judge made this comment "The Judge cannot enter into private correspondance with you. DJ ****** has read your letter and has directed that the hearing on 16th October, 2008 shall remain listed, when, if you still wish, the Court will consider your request to withdraw your application".

 So, I have been advised by the court clerk to prepare the paperwork as previously ordered by the judge on 3rd September. It is just re-living all the intimidation and harassment all over again, putting it in a format easier for the judge to understand.

How can you explain how a text, email, voicemail, letter in the post or face to face contact makes you feel in 3 words or less including detailing the mode of abuse?

The judge that read my letter was a different one than the one we saw in court and the one at the hearing on 16th is going to be a different one again. I am at a loss as to how this is going to end. There is currently a date set for 31st October for a full hearing too. Yet the last judge threatened me with a costs order if I pursued the case.

I am seeing my solicitor on Thursday for advice. Not sure whether she will be able to represent me, or even whether I want or need her to in all honesty. I have thrown enough money down the drain with my divorce and can't add any more to the charge on the house if it is going to have little effect on my ex-husband's behaviour.

I am banging my head against a brickwall.

This is dragging me down at a time when I have found something; someone to smile about. We are taking each day as it comes. The sun does shine through the clouds but when I have been trying to clear the clouds away for so long and finally thought I had almost succeeded, they come right back at you. My sunshine won't disappear and his rainbow colours will glisten after the rain, I guess we just have to weather the storm in between.