Not doing that well today, either

I've had the somewhat humiliating experience today of going into the jobcentre first thing,  to start all over again with benefits claims, since giving up my job in July.   I couldn't cope any more with the stress, and my stbe (a  lot sooner than it might have been if he had been nicer) will not support me even though he knows I am not fit to work.  He can well afford it; he just doesn't think he should. His answer is of course for me to go home and to try again. 

Not in this century, buddy, not unless you get a complete makeover.  Which you won't, because you are always too busy, which was the problem all along.   You neglected your wife and your family, spending all your time at the office and all your weekends doing your own thing.  I didn't want to do the garden with you, it was too hot out there for me.  I didn't want to be dragged around Sunday flower markets either, any more than you wanted to get up early and go to church with me, which you didn't do.  Not even once. 

Even when I was unhappy enough that I wanted to separate, and told you exactly why,  you wouldn't let me go.    For two days you were reasonable and accepting; you knew it wasn't working, hadn't for years.  All those quarrels late at night when you didn't get what you wanted, and why would I want to, after being ignored so much and being left to fend for myself even when I wasn't well?  Come to think of it, I am doing pretty much that right now, but at least I don't have to put up with you at the same time.  

On the third day you decided you weren't going to let me go, and you were going to fight for me.   That should have meant listening to me, to my side of things -- to what it was like being married to you, during the counselling that you initiated and very soon gave up on, and realising that this was a path I had to take.   I was happy for once,  after so many years not being.  I could never have done to you what you did to me.

Well, you got your way, in the end.   I might not be with you, but I'm  not with anyone else either.   I moved overseas to get away from the nightmare that living with you had become,  much more of one once you had made up your mind I was to give you another chance, and punishing me for nearly three years when I tried to but failed.   You put paid to my alternative future, one with a man who would never shout at me.   All -- all -- he did was dump me while I was thousands of miles away from him, trying to be free of you.   I didn't think I would be facing this all alone.   My heart is so broken I don't think I can ever love anyone again.  

But I will not be coming back to you, not ever.