Tuesday 14th August - its raining

I have started talking to myself in bed now, not a good sign I feel – first sign of madness as I remember it.  Usually only the odd word like ‘shit’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘waste’ or ‘idiot’.  Of course he wakes up and says ‘eh?’ and I say ‘nothing, just talking to myself’.

So sleepless night last night and now I am tired, and when I get tired that’s when I start feeling bad.  Its raining too and that doesn’t help.

Thought I was levelling out , even coping better, but now I am so full of doubts.  Doubts about if I should break up the relationship, doubts over the way I have handled myself to get into this situation, doubts over what the future will hold now.

Maybe this is the enevitable way you feel when you have calmed down and the anger goes, thoughts of anger and even revenge just block out all logical thought and when that stops and you start thinking clearly, the reality of the situation hits you.

These have felt like the longest 5 weeks of my life, every day seems to stretch out forever, not so bad when I am out with friends, but then I come home.  He acts so normal, and I don’t think I am, maybe I look as if I am on the outside.  So this leads to more doubts.

Jees this is getting me nowhere and this is why I have to act this week.  Even thinking about my little speech sends my heart rate up and my hands start to shake.

Friends are great – the greatest really, but they all have their own lives and families.  So now the both of us are also losing that one person, friend, partner that was really there for you, that always backed you up no matter what, that spent holidays with you , that shared your problems, that looked after you when you were ill – well that’s what it used to be like.  And now its all gone.

We may or may not find somebody else, but that’s not really the point, the point is we are losing that particular relationship and now the future is not clear.

So at the moment I have lost my sense of  humour – for today at least.  I will get a good nights sleep tonight and tomorrow will be more positive.

Tennis in the morning – so please stop raining!

I love my new car – its dark purple (blackberry apparently).  I was having problems with the central locking and was telling this to a local barman last night who also happened to be a car salesman, well he told me what I was doing wrong and bingo all working, so now I can get into the boot.  Apparently there is some sort of engine or something in it too, but I won’t go looking for that!