Responsibility and Understanding

The day before HER weekly visit, I get a letter from my bank.  The four-weekly maintenance cheque she gave me has been returned unpaid and they are writing to let me know they are "re-presenting the cheque".

No sweat, I can wait.  It's not like her payment is anything life changing.  Ten pounds per child, per week (that's for each child under eighteen years old - doesn't take into consideration the eldest for whom she doesn't pay, or the second eldest that she will not be paying for, come November). 

Strangely my bank balance is at a better situation than in all the time I was married to her - despite being unemployed and at my wits end.  That's not to say I am financially secure - far from it, but I can take this little 'glitch', no need to make an issue of it, argue or make a scene.  Still, it did not bode well for her weekly visit to see the kids.

I spend 24 hours dwelling on what I am supposed to do.  I definitely could milk this for all it is worth, run her down, shout and scream, make her feel small - hey, this is her kids welfare after all?  No.  That is not my way, never has been.  Despite all that she has done, I still respect her, her feelings, I don't want to make her feel bad.  But still I feel I ought to say something (does she even know what has happened?).

Alright, there is some certain degree of self-guilt.  The cheque had sat on the mantlepiece (where she put it on one of her visits) for over a week.  It had then gone in my wallet for at least another week before I finally paid it into my account.  Now the next four-weekly payment was due and the last one had 'bounced'.  In a nutshell, she had continued to spend in a frivolous way, to hell with the consequences - just as she had when we were married.

So I tell her in passing (trying to make light of it) that the cheque has been refused and that the bank are re-presenting it.  Her first response is disbelief.  As if I have a reason to lie about it.  When she finally accepts that I'm telling the truth she telephones her bank, who tell her that she is overdrawn and is now being charged £38 for the failed transaction.

Moment for a little laugh, to revel in her discomfort?  No.  I feel kind of embarrassed for her - even some concern that she is getting into difficulties.  So much so that I end up advising her how to go about contesting the charges!

Also, in my usual 'lame duck' way, I offer to waive this months due payment, let the existing cheque be re-presented and let the outstanding payment be split over the next two or three months.  What I was proposing wasn't Rocket Science.  It was certainly more forgiving than I could have been.  Her response?

Argument.  Anger.  Refusal to accept what I was proposing.

I had to re-explain my proposal a number of times before the 'penny dropped' and she realised that I was letting her off lightly and trying to help her.

So what is this blog entry all about, I hear you ask?

Well it is about my understanding, my piece of mind, my own acceptance of what has happened these last twenty months.  I have said to more than a few people over the last year, that the one thing that would help my situation and state of mind, more than anything else, would be to understand her rationale, her reasons for doing what she did. 

I know that she will never apologise or attempt to (reasonably) explain her actions.  But the real thing that hurts, that really burns me, is her continued distrust of anything I do or say, even though it was her that broke the marriage trust and that I am 'bending over backwards' to help her. 

Yeah, I'm sure that it is her own defence mechanism to deflect her guilt onto anybody but herself.  Yet understanding that is somehow just not enough.  Surely twenty years of marriage, love and affection, deserves something better, whether we are divorced or not?

As always, wishing for peace.

Mike.