|
Sep 26
2008
|
 |
It is a given that many of us here are depressed, mixed up or even suicidal. That means we don't always act rationally or speak rationally. However, surely banning someone simply represents ANOTHER rejection on top of the awful feelings of rejection and loneliness that many of us face. In fact, banning someone from possibly the only support network that they have may even cause an outcome that could be catastophic. To those that are concerned with this I would like to ask this:
Please consider VERY carefully whether banning somebody is a humane thing to do. We are all adults here and we can handle unruly behaviour ourselves. We have done it in the past and we are perfectly capable of calming any excessive behaviour without using extreme measures like banning individuals. Banning anyone can only hasten their downward spiral and that is NOT what this forum is about.
I realise that I don't know the specifics of the situation here. However, the general principle still holds. I have yet to meet anybody who has been damaged by the individuals concerned yet we are surely damaging them.
Andy
Please consider VERY carefully whether banning somebody is a humane thing to do. We are all adults here and we can handle unruly behaviour ourselves. We have done it in the past and we are perfectly capable of calming any excessive behaviour without using extreme measures like banning individuals. Banning anyone can only hasten their downward spiral and that is NOT what this forum is about.
I realise that I don't know the specifics of the situation here. However, the general principle still holds. I have yet to meet anybody who has been damaged by the individuals concerned yet we are surely damaging them.
Andy
Comments (17)
Show/Hide comments
Poppie
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
Buxton, I agree with everything you have said. Poppie x |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
wikivorce team
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
Wikivorce has banned less than 10 people from the site in 18 months. Plus around another 10 from chat. That adds up to only 20 out of 20,000 (just 1 in 1000 !). So it is something that we don't do lightly. The prime reason for a chat or forum ban is when the behaviour of a member deteriorates to such a level that we judge that they are detrimental to the site and are putting off numerous newbies. Its a hard call to make - but we WILL make that call if we feel somone selfishly and needlessly ignores warnings and continues to behave in a way that deprives many others - especially newbies of the safe and supportive atmosphere they deserve. The people who need wiki the most are those newbies whose partner of 20 years told them 2 days ago that it was over. These Newbies wonder pensively into chat looking for support to be greeted by the bickering and smut of older members having a party. That is not what Wiki is for. I suggest that those members who wish to continue to have their adult chat and parties set up an MSN chat room and hold them there. That way Wiki can remain what it should be - a calm and safe place for people who desperately need support. Of course those peeps who do their partying in MSN can still then come to wiki for support. Also please remember that those who are just banned from chat are still able to access the site including the forum and PMs to their friends - so they can still access support. |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
buxtonman
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
This seems a fair response. I don't know know the specifics so I will have to assume that what was said was extreme enough to warrant being banned. I certainly hope so anyway. Andy |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Shezi79
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
Hi Bux We've chatted in real life so I hope you will bear that in mind when you 'hear' me respond to your blog now.... I was in chat the other night when a newbie came in. I was still there when the newbie said she was leaving (after only 10 mins!!!) because it was "too aggressive" for her. Fortunately, DL and I were able to persuade many lovely wikipeeps to move into lounge and leave some space in the greeting room for the newbies. The newbie duly waited, as asked, and responded with "that was amazing!" She then spent an hour asking for (and receiving) support. I was also there the other night, when there was a 'row' in main chat and 2 newbies came in and left imediately and wouldn't respond to a pm asking them to talk privately. I joined wiki in April and felt very supported. Pretty quickly, I felt able to support other newbies - and still feel that's what I want to do. I'm divorcing for the 2nd time and, rightly or wrongly, feel that I have something to offer this site. What I have experienced this week has made me cry. I want to leave. If I feel like that.... how must newbies feel? Shezi xxx |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
spooky
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
I'm not sure what is going on here! I haven't been on wiki that long but now do not feel comfortable anymore. Some blogs and forums seem to be all about either men bashing or woman bashing!! Whilst I fully understand that all are welcome and no one is judged whatever their circumstances there seems to be a lot of posts submitted by the new partners (mostly women) in support of their divorcing boyfriends, I do not want to judge any of these people but it has changed the emphasis of support for those directly involved in the mess called divorce. Maybe wikivorce has become too big, maybe it should be split into two sections.....the original support site and another social site. When I found wiki I was initially intimidated in chat because everyone seemed to know each other but gradually I felt included, now I don't feel like I belong anymore but don't know whether I can explain why! I have never been offended by anyone at anytime and I suppose that we all have our ups and downs emotionally but feel that I must withdraw a little and just come on to seek legal advice, the reason I found wiki in the first place |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
buxtonman
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
|
Interesting comments Spooky. I haven't been a regular in chat recently and so maybe the tone has changed significantly from what I am used to. I will visit more often. If there is something wrong, then we can only change it by being there. It would be a shame to desert it wouldn't it? If it isn't what it is supposed to be, then it is up to us to change it back! Andy |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Shezi79
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
|
Well said Bux :kiss: Shezi x |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
determined
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
Hi Folks i did a post earlier about the ethos of wiki. it doesn't seem to have appeared. perhaps that was my error or my computer as it did seem to take a while to load. however i would like to say that their comes a time when it is time for us all to move on. This week on wiki i have found myself more distressed than supported or supporting. i feel i have given to newbees throughout my time on wiki but now i now feel for my own emotional wellbeing it is time to move on. good luck to Ian and the Wikivorce team u do a great job and to all the good friends i have met on wiki who i will remain in contact with. determined |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Jade
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
I've joined wiki in January, prior to this i just visited the site and read up on some of the sound advise that was on here. This is a great site, the one and only site that crops up time and time again when you google the word divorce. it will always be a first port of call now for newbies I owe a great deal to this site, I feel i've made new friends that i wouldn't have otherwise done, and it saddens me when i see the petty squabbles, that are taking place on here. Surely there is enough of that going on in our own lives? The site needs the moderators, or sadly it will get abused. Wiki has grown, and is only treating its members like any other large organisation, abide by a few simple rules, that are set down, and the folks that don't like that should as ian said go on msn. Jade xxx |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Young again
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
 |
Hello, Whilst I totally agree that bickering (as opposed to a constructive exchange of ideas) is to be avoided I cannot say that I am entirely comfortable with the idea that 'smut' in chat can lead to a ban. Wiki cannot be all things to every member and there shall always be differences in opinion. The chat facility has extra rooms which could be and should be used for diverse topics. Would it not be easier to suggest to those like-minded to bicker or engage in innuendo, to 'get a room'? YA |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
buxtonman
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
|
Young I suspect that these things were suggested as I know several warnings were issued. However, I agree that this is a better solution if it can be implemented. Perhaps a facility to boot people into a punishment room would be a good idea! Andy |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
scousegirl
said:
| September 26, 2008 | ||
|
I dont know the situation that led to the above disucssion re banning, but just wanted to say how much benefit I have recieved from this site over the last 6 weeks or so. depending on hoe I ahve felt day to day I hjave either benfitted from other peoles support or tied to resond to other peoples need. Chat has helped to pass many an otherwise lonely evening. It is a very special site with many very special people here, and it would be a shame for anything to jeopardise the future of it. I don't know how I would have got through the last few weeks without it. Thanks Wikipeeps | |
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Poppie
said:
| September 27, 2008 | ||
|
Like Buxton I did not know the specifics of the banning. What I do know is that if I had been a newbie joining chat this week I would not have returned. It has saddened me this week to be in the chat room and I know that is not what wiki is about. Hopefully people will learn from this and make wiki what it is meant to be, a means of support for all people going through a traumatic time in their life. Poppie x |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
fattabby
said:
| September 27, 2008 | ||
|
Thanks for blogging this Bux I realise from reading a few others something has happened in chat and alot of people have gotten upset for various reasons. Personally I have never really found the chat that helpful - been with this site several months - feels too big sometimes and there seems to be alot of regulars (not a criticism) but it can feel a bit clicquey to some. Therefore I used the forums PMs and blogs. However I am out the otherside of my divorce and TBH lots has moved on in life for me so I dont access the site too much any more - I dont need to. So I hope people wont get too upset about things - this site cant always stay the same and some of us need to move on to make room for new ones. I've only known one person to be banned and that was lifted after a bit of working through - hopefully the same can happen with this situation - but you are right Bux sometimes people are feeling rough and things happen that they wouldnt have wanted to had they been in a better place and yes the vulnerable ones can get upset - however this is what goes on in the real world and wiki cants always side step that. Good that you brought it up though. FT |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Shelia
said:
| September 27, 2008 | ||
 |
I have been a member of wiki since it had 300 ish members. Over that time I have seen people's feelings run high on occasions, afterall people do get emotional when getting divorced. But it would be a shame if on top of that we end up'divorced' from each other. When the membershp was much smaller an alteraction seemed to remain a small affair between the individuals concerned, now there are so many of us it is more like WW3. Wiki has changed by its success, and maybe we need to have a 'mission statement' or a 'conduct contract', so people are dealt with in a way that is seen to be fair and is fair and all are singing from the same hymn sheet. If someone breaks the rules and everyone knows what they are beforehand who could argue with that? This set up would also provide a framework for our moderators, who work hard on behalf of wiki, and hopefully take the stress out of dealing with difficult situations. I too have seen something insidious creeping in on wiki. An attitude than some people are worth more than others. This the beginning of racism, sexism, elitism and all other isms that you can think of, and the last thing I would want to see is wiki becoming exclusive or illusive to anyone who needs support or the company of the chatroom. A diverse group is a strong group because it has wide expertise and experience at its core. I am not suggesting that we should all be bosom pals (lovely though that may be), everyone has their special wiki friends and favourites, but there should be an acceptance of those that are not to our liking also have as much right tob e here as ourselves. All should be welcome as long as they abide in a decent and respectful way towards others. And there are many chat rooms to spread out in. Maybe given its size maybe wiki needs a constitution? Or charitable status? Perhaps we need mediators and a mediation room so any discord is taken out of the main arena of chat? Ian has been wonderful and has created a community that is the victim of its success. Hi baby has turned very quickly into a belligerent adolescent lol. My concern is if this matter is not dealt with in a constuctive way, this sort of fall out will happen again and again. Let us not let Wiki fail. I am going to volunteer to help out in any way I can so that Wiki can be even more successful. It is a wonderful thing we have hear let us not spoil it. Let us use this opportunity to debate the way forward. This is the longest blog I have written which shows how strongly I feel about this. Shelia |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Tyler
said:
| September 27, 2008 | ||
|
As a relative newcomer i too have seen changes, the points i'd like to offer the wikiteam to consider for any changes are:- - I was'nt aware that their was a conduct code (but it does make sense), the fact that I was'nt aware that one existed is significant ! Not everyone who comes into wiki, like myself, had ever been in a chat room before !! Please don't assume everyone knows as much as others about chat rooms. - when i joined the chat rooms it was a bit strange at first but settled in and it has helped me relax in my circumstances. - if wiki has grown, then it's time to organise different rooms for different activities - newbies /serious Q's and/or chat in a separate room - also the 'invite to chat' entry point ? perhaps that needs expanding to select the correct or appropriate room at point of entry....? - whilst there may be 20,000 members a relativley small core group of members use the chat facility ! This needs to be organised as it's clear that newbies and fun chat are not suited to be together. - if wiki has evolved then some changes are appropriate, but the problem then is how do you ensure regulars and newbiesare educated and aware of the rules as they participate in wiki ? I hope my suggestions are of some help, regards. |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
mezzie
said:
| October 04, 2008 | ||
 |
I agree with a lot of Tyler's comments. This site was the first time I ever felt safe enough to join the website. It is also the only time I have used a chat room. I joined in June08 & it was only last week I knew there was an option of different rooms. Maybe there could be a CLEARER CHOICE of room at the entry to chat because some rooms are more light-hearted than others. Maybe some of us older hands can be a bit quicker to pm newbies & find out if they need help or just looking. |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Write comment
Show/Hide comment formYou must be logged in to a comment. Please register if you do not have an account yet.
