Found evidence at last

Well today I found out what I have been looking for these last few months - evidence that my wife is indeed still in contact and very much in love with her "ex" boyfriend. (for those of you not familiar with my situation - wife has affair and says its all over but here we are 3 years later and it's still on - we are planning divorce in a couple of years anyway when she wants to be 'on her own').

 Anyway, I am half 'calmed' by what I found and yet half distressed. Today I found around 5 or 6 texts to and from one another saying how much they have missed each other over the summer and how "SPECIAL xxxx" he is etc etc.

I am really happy really and have decided to keep my knowledge of this to myself. Each time I saw a suspect text message on a bill and rang it no-one picked up and suddenly that number was never seen again - a new number somehow appearing on the next month's bill. This time I shall do nothing. I will buy one of these text readers I have seen advertised on the net - just to gather as much evidence as I can over the next few months.

As I said I am half pleased - my wife has said that when we divorce she will be on her own yet she is not going to 'fleece' me financially. On her own she will not be able to raise the mortgage on the flat she bought as only works part time but with him they can - another reason I suspected she was lying. This evidence gives me some comfort that when we split - at least I stand a chance of not being ruined - which given what she did with the settlement I gave her (it's not worth anything near as much the amout I raised *though my mortgage is just as big) is on the cards.

However, I still feel hurt by actually seeing the words in the text messages and feel all those senses of betrayal, emptiness, loneliness etc that are so vivid in my mind from 3 years ago.

This time 3 years ago we could have all but paid off the mortgage and been looking forward to a comfortable future as a family. Now my mortgage is 2.5 times as big as it was originally, and for another 20 years with the prospect of more financial claim to come.

I can't help feeling " what a bloody mess I have got my life in" and "trapped" in a situation that feels like slow torture. She has the comfort of telling and being told how special each other is and here am I paying the bills, handling the worries of current and future financial matters and just generally being used - all on my own and unable to tell anyone (bar you guys) for fear of my daughter finding out!

 I stand by my original feelings and belief - no-one will ever treat her as well as I have done. I kept all the financial worries away from her (not that we had any), she wanted for nothing, put her first in all the decision making and gave her what she took for granted -  Her's was a charmed life and one day she will tell me that I was a kind, generous and loving husband that was faithful, old fashioned and honest. Her loss I guess.

Anyway enough said for now - I'll just ponder as the fear of the future becomes ever closer. Whatever my failings - I didn't deserve to be treated like this - where did my life go?