making sense of 3 days of hell

Posted by buxtonman in my day today, dealing with emotions, breaking up

This might be a long blog Mr blogman, I am trying to make sense of what has happened to me over the last three days. So first i think I will put it in chronological order and then try to explain it.

On Monday, I went round to see my children at the invitation of my ex. I spent 4-5 hours there and came away happy at having been with my family again. As time went on though, I became more and more down and when I woke up Tuesday, I knew I was in trouble. I was longing for my children so much! I drove down to Luton to stay in a hotel to look for a new place to live on Wednesday. On the way down, I became beside myself with grief. I cried out loud. A proper cry and I thought of all the times I am going to miss with my children! That night, there was a bried respite and I met somebody really nice. I am pleased that it was a small break for my sad head. This morning, I felt awful and I didn't sleep well either. My ex wanted me to take the kids over night next Monday and Tuesday while she drove south to look for a place for herself to live. Initially, I agreed despite the fact I live in a 2 bedroom hovel with a living room the size of the average single garage. But this morning, I was SO distraught and I texted her to ask her to postpone her trip as I was in a bad way. I said that I don't mean to be difficult, it's just that I don't think I will cope in my current state of mind. I continued to blubber as I was driving. Then I asked her if I could see my little boy tomorrow and she texted back that as I was so selfish, she wouldn't let me see him. This put me over the edge! I called her and begged her between sobs to let me have him tomorrow but she was not sympathetic and so I don't get him unless she gets what she wants. That's more or less it I suppose.

So what on earth has happened to me? I have a theory. I spent 3 months grieving for the loss of my wife. My children too but I think the first loss was my wife. It's as if having recovered from that, my body suddenly said, okay, now you are ready to grieve for you children. And, bang, it hit me like a cannon ball.

So that's where I am, not allowed to see my baby and too distressed to look after them both at once for 3 days next week. I could look after Joseph, but not the older one. I just couldn't cope in my current frame of mind which is why I needed to postpone it. All I can do is wallow in the unexpected grief and hope it clears soon. It is a hell of a shock to be hit by this and completely unexpected. I am hoping I can make it into chat tonight but I am certainly not myself. I just wish it could have waited a few days as I would have had a much better time in Luton.

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spooky said:

September 24, 2008
		Buxt honey, I think you are trying to run before you can walk!!!! Read thru your blogs again, dealing with break up of relationship, losing house, missing out on kids, wanting to move south but still be a good Dad, transatlantic working, Dating!!! ................................. PLease hun, slow down and give yourself a break!! Maybe if you tried to prioritise you would feel stong enough to have the kids next week. It's important that you spend as much time as possible with the kids and build that bond up to maximum before you move. Your kids don't care that your new place is a bit of a shambles and if you had them at your place it would save the torture of reminders at your old house. Take care of yourself Buxt Spooky xx

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Shelia said:

September 24, 2008
		Buxton My grief did exactly that hit me in waves. Just as I had dealt with one part of the realisation of my break up another wave would hit me. It is as if I could not deal with it all in one go and needed to deal with it in pieces with small bits of feeling ok inbetween. But the waves got less shocking and less frequent. It does take time to get over the stuff you have, and have had to deal with. Your grief will clear, and in the meantime you need to take it easy and be kind to yourself. I too hope you can make it into chat. Best wishes Shelia X

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stevie said:

September 24, 2008
		Oh Buxton My heart goes out to you but maybe the crying out loud will release some of the pent up feelings you are having, Take one day at a time but try and not offer to take one child at a time as I think this could cause animosity plus give your wife more ammunition to throw at you. Hope you can make chat as that may be what you need to get back in the seat again Stevie X

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Heath said:

September 24, 2008
		Buxton So it's not just me! All it takes is a fleeting thought, or song to come on, and there I am on the M62/1/25 etc in tears. I can feel myself getting over my wife, but not quite there yet. However the thing that makes me the saddest is the partial loss of my kids, missing the little everyday things, asking for recaps of their other life, but they're young and don't remember. Reading your other posts/blogs, we appear to have had similar things happen to us, and I know my brain is still reconciling that, so don't rush it. I ain't even looking at women yet, as I don't want to use someone to replace a void, and then almost without doubt, suffer heartbreak again. Keep on going mate, I'm assured we adjust! Heath

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fade2gray said:

September 25, 2008
		Maybe looking after both your kids will help you. You can't think about anything else but them because kids are so demanding and it could be theraputic in a way? You are forced to smile, watch silly films etc and sure you can manage. Best of luck x

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saffy1968 said:

September 25, 2008
		Dear Bux I agree with fadetogray and think that looking after your children will make you feel a lot better. You dont have to do a great deal just be their dad and have fun with them. Take care Saffy xxx