Tomorrow

Well what can I say - from my grief comes a bud of hope.

I have decided that I loved being married - bloody loved it! loved the day to dayness of it, the support (thought I had that) of knowing that i was not alone, the kids, the house, the washing, all of it I really did!

Now I really that is me  - I loved all that - it had nothing to do with him - I was in this marriage on my own for most of the time! Don't get me wrong there were truly wonderful times (can't think about them now as I will get heartbroken) but generally I loved being married and not him.  If I had been married to the bloke next door, the guy in the chip shop - I would of worked with what I had and been happy because thats the type of girl I am .......

So that revelation out of the way .... and another comes my way.  I am meeting someone tomorrow - someone who I have laid my heart out to - poured out the grief and knows my situation - I am meeting him!

Its pathetic I know but I want him to like me, fancy me even! I feel 15 years old!

He is flying in from overseas and will detour here on his way home. What do I wear? what do I talk about ?

 ....

20:33 - Just been crying AGAIN - what the hell is the matter with me  - I was sitting in the garden - the same place, same time (well a couple of hours earlier than last week) as last week when he was out with her at Chicagos.  Tomorrow i could go out with a really nice guy for a drink.   I have been with him 20 years - I feel I can't - I'm not ready to go out with someone else - even for a drink -

I was sat here thinking this is a momentous moment - there will be no turning back.  This is the last night that I am his wife (I know that he doesn't feel like my husband and he has already turned to someone else)    Tonight is the last night - the marking point for 20 years - tomorrow I will go and sit with another man, talk, drink may be eat and talk stuff with a man! I am pathetic I know.  He has done all - it won't have been significant in his life - he just went ahead and did it - without a second thought.

I am not saying that I think this new guy will be the next big thing, or that I am putting too much into it .... its not that at all - perhaps i am not ready - i really like him = i really really like him but these stupid emotions are getting in the way....

maybe tomorrow i will wake up and feel i want to go and see him - but then i am messing with his head??  and this is a contradiction because i DO want to go and see him but i am scared really scared - scared he may reject me, scared i will fall for him and not be able to cope with my feelings for him, scared that I am slamming shut the door of the marriage with an almightly bang!

I need to ease in this - sorry A, I am really really sorry,  when i am talking to you I love it and i really do want it to be you ... but can't do it tomorrow -

Dear A will you wait for me?  I need a little time,  you know i am impulsive i may ring you on wednesday and tell you to get in your car and come meet me in Rugby or Northampton - will you come - give me time?  I know I may regret this ...

Carrie