Strange day so far

Dear blog

He didn't come in from work until late - was asleep - exhausted so didn't know what time.  This morning he tried to talk to me whilst I washed up mine and georgia's breakfast things but I was just 'yes' or 'no'.

Just as I am walking out the door, he says do you want to talk  - and me stupid stupid instead of saying no I start on one.

I have been so good - all week! what is the matter with me?  He was lying their on the settee looking relaxed and saying can we work this out? and I am like I loved you, I've loved you for 20 years the ball has been in your court, you are still seeing her, going out to places with her with our friends! and its the same old - its nothing to do with her ...... He was saying you went to see a solicitor 18 months ago - and I said well you were seeing her 18 months ago to which he says it is nothing to do with her.   Well to me it was.  We had a good life - yes we argued about stuff that every couple argue about - but it was a good life and he didn't respect that.  when I said about her he just said - is the next 20 years going to be all about her and your never going to forget it?  What? Well we haven't discussed it yet? how can I forget it when I don't know how he felt what went on? if he sees her etc etc

For 20 years he has had a bloody good life with me - come and gone as he pleases, not done anything in the house, (well  hardly), played golf every weekend (or whenever he wanted) and changed his hours at work when he wanted, done what he wanted when he wanted .... and had me to look after him and the children. 

I told him he had to get the petition to the court today - he asked if I had spoken to my solicitor and I said hell yes! after your threats about your rottweiller solicitor - in fact I don't care any more if I have to get a bedsit and oliver had to sleep on the floor I will do that... 

bottom line he hasn't said he loves me, he hasn't said he doesn't want a divorce, he hasn't said what he wants, and what he thinks needs to be done .... so what was all that this morning about.    He got up to go and get ready to go to the solicitors to get his petition to take to the court and cuddled me -it didn't feel right -

so what was it about? Is he realising the rottweiller may not be able to deliver ? is the girlfriend staying with her husband?  Does a flat not sound so appealing? Has the loss of the children and me got to him?    Well if it is any of these things he hasn't said - whilst I AGAIN cried, he had every opportunity to say I am sorry I love you I won't see her I'll change my shifts or anything - but no there was nothing - did he think I would stop the divorce and let him carry out as he has for the last 20 years?

Not bloody likely.  the things that frightened me a few weeks ago are frightening me any more! i am still really scared about the finance, really scared about being on my own and coping with day to day living but I suppose I am already doing that aren't I?   I was scared about having sex with someone else (god knows why! ) someone new, but I know that when it happens it happens. 

I look back over the last 20 years and maybe he is right ... maybe its not her maybe we just aren't suited .... I am honest, loyal, faithful, willing to work hard, and he is a lying, cheating bastard who is lazy and childlike.

No texts today (well i text 1 saying don't u think I wanted to be having a life with u?) didn't think that was too bad - but of course nothing back !

Then driving home from work and who do i pass waiting at the roundabout - him - never see him at that time of day - so I know he must of come home!

need to stay strong if he wants to 'talk' later - I mustn't let him talk me round, and if he wants to talk I must let him talk to hear what he has to say instead of keep speaking!!

the thing is - i can't let him talk me round, why is he doing this now - men please tell me!!!! he hasn't apologised does he really think I am going to just let him continue?

shit :(

Going to pick Georgia up now - that will keep me occupied.

I look forward to any comments on what to do next.