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Sep 17
2008
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Oh dear! I've just had an emotional blip and am currently puffy eyed and can't stop crying. The reason? My youngest son's teacher caught me after school to ask if he was ok as they thought he was rather quiet this week and he had burst into tears when he couldn't find his homework to give in ( he was at stbx's over weekend). He has been asking to sleep in my bed this week. Suddenly floored by wave of tears, I could barely speak to her...I sounded very pathetic, it was only his second stay there etc. She kept saying "no, no you don't need to explain!" ....must think I'm in tears all the time, which I'm not, I'm very positive about rebuilding a future 99% of the time.
Since that conversation, I feel overwhelmed by the pain they are being put through. Not sure what the feelings are. Am I feeling pure anger he has done this to them?...I felt that when I was talking to her. I could feel my throat tightening with suppressed outrage, the pitch of my voice changing. His pursuit of personal pleasure has lost them theirs.Now they know why he left us and are having to make sense of who their dad is, having met his gf. Should I tell stbx that the kids have been very angry and upset since weekend? I had expected it, especially as they were like it the night before they went on both occasions.
I keep feeling it is my fault for not being more amicable. The books all say how it helps the children if the parents can be amicable...it's obvious really. How I have struggled with that particular demon! No doubt stbx wants be amicable now....hence the recent suggestion to start talking which I declined to take up. The truth is I do not want to be amicable, not ever (just at the moment, not cast in stone); I have a need to be hostile for some reason and don't understand why. I suspect I wouldn't function without it, though I don't want him back and believe I have reluctantly accepted the situation. Would it feel like I had let him off the hook, or his actions were justifiable and not so very bad, if I behaved amicably??? That there were not any major consequences for him if life consisted of gf, fun time with the kids, & nice friendly chat with ex -wife. I know these things are in the past and I am not feeling defined by them, except for that business of my ongoing relationship with him which I now want to be poor. I certainly don't want any friendship and it's one of the few things under my control . I think I do need to sort out in my own mind the difference between showing approval and being civil.
I wonder if I am alone in feeling that this idea is flawed: that we all have a right to pursue personal happiness ....I don't think any previous generations ever led their lives by that standard. Besides, one person's chance of happiness seems so often to be at odds with another's. Why do people see it as courageous to reach for your own happiness in this way? What happened to commitment, working with what you have and forging happiness out of that, and accepting that you can't always have the future you thought you wanted? After all that's what the children and I have been left with, and everyone says what a good thing that can be for us!
Feel better for that
fm
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Goofyfoot
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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fm, It's early days - don't confuse amicable (" Characterized by or exhibiting friendliness or goodwill; friendly.") with being civil (" not rude; marked by satisfactory (or especially minimal) adherence to social usages and sufficient but not noteworthy consideration for others"). You will have to communicate as you have the children, and as you are a good person I am sure your natural tenancy will be civil, it is what you would expect of your children and I bet you will remain a good example to them. I know it sounds easy, but things should get easier as everyone gets used to the situation. I now have some very short business like communications with my ex, especially around drop off times etc, but we also have other longer face to face conversations about our children. My youngest son plays cricket and we often ended up sat next to each other to watch, he didnt have to feel guilty about coming to one of us as we were both there (not sure that was in her mind tho!) and we could discuss the boys. None of this means I am her friend or am friendly to her. I would happily never see her or hear from/of her again, and other than sadness for the boys would not mourn if she passed away right now. So, be strong, be confident and be polite - but you don't have to be amicable!! GF |
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Iwillbeok
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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Hi fm (((((((((((((((((((((fm)))))))))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you. I understand how you feel. It can be hard enough to bear our own pain, & then to watch our children suffer........well......it can be overwhelmingly sad. It is hard to be friendly when we feel so betrayed. I often wonder how I can find a way to be friends with someone who has behaved so badly & seemingly shown a total disregard for the feelings of both me & my son. I wouldn't even be contemplating the idea of friendship with anybody else who had hurt my family in this way. You question whether this is your fault. Finding, this is not your fault. Please remember this. Your children are reacting to the behaviour of their father & not you. From all I know about you, you are respectful & responsible in your portrayal of your stbx to your children. Your sons are finding things difficult because of a situation that is not of your making. The need I have to be cold & quiet with my stbx isn't only a way of maintaining emotional distance, but also a demonstration of my disapproval of his actions. Like you, I am reluctant to be nice in case he should think that what he has done is okay with me after all. It is not okay with me. I am still angry with him. As for the pursuit of personal happiness? Well, I suppose it depends on what we base our happiness on. For me, my happiness is founded on the quality of the relationships I have with those around me, particularly those I love. For my stbx, I can only guess that this is not the case, although I suppose he might argue that he felt the quality of our relationship was poor, which is what led him to leave. If this was the case, I was completely unaware. I thought that what we had was wonderful & special &, until he dropped the bombshell, I truly believed we would be together forever. If he felt that what we had was lacking, why couldn't he talk about it, to give us a chance at least. A chance to invest some energy into improving the quality of our relationship. So maybe he does base his happiness on something else after all. fm, you are not alone. We are in this together. Wishing you well Iwillbeok x |
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jasmine
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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You are not alone. You are the rock of your childrens lifes and they feel safe letting go of their emotions and directing them at you. I know it hurts like hell especially when you are coping with your own emotions and sadness. My own children play up before a visit and play up when they come home and they find it difficult to sleep. In the early days I was advised to give my children a warm bubble bath with lots of toys for when they first came home and this worked because they could splash their frustration out. It is two years since he left and they are coming to terms with it slowly. Do not bad mouth your ex no matter how much you want to let rip because it causes the children pain. Try to imagine him as a paid babysitter for the time he takes them, it helps to keep the emotions under control and to remain civil. | |
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Angel_Imp
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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Gosh I have tears in my eyes reading some of these comments as your feelings are similar to my own. Keep strong I am sure there must be light somewhere at the end of some tunnel wherever that tunnel may be. x | |
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Heath
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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Hi FM I struggle with the being amicable bit too, and cannot help but be really unpleasant towards her. Part of it is to do with what she did, but mostly it's to try and kill the the love I still have for her, it's a defence mechanism. I know that, inspite of everything, I'd go back into her arms in flash if I could, that ain't gonna happen, so I have to be the opposite. And you are not alone on your last point. I saw on some other forum, someone say that you should be free to do whatever you want in a marriage, and if you can't, then get out of it. Well just don't get married then, what about compromise and self control? I mean if a relationship has got to a point where what you wear, who you see, having to account for your every moment etc, is being controlled then have a discussion, and if it don't get better, get out. However, it seems to take very little for control to be cried, and it seems that in some cases, the 'controlled' one is doing something most people would consider unreasonable. Does that sound like I have experience of this? Heath |
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findingmyself
said:
| September 17, 2008 | ||
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Thank you everyone for responding. It is a real lifeline, being able to say what you feel however much it goes against the grain. The most difficult emotions are conflicting ones that you do not feel proud to be experiencing. I know that so many people here have been in this difficult place and survived and it gives me great comfort and hope. finding xx |
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marriaa
said:
| September 18, 2008 | ||
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what you are feeling is very normal .But if it is going to help the children most probably you should be more flexible,I know very hard to do.He is in ccookoo land so most probably will not even notice if you are upset | |
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carrie.watling
said:
| September 19, 2008 | ||
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Bless you - your concern for your children and how you conduct yourself yourself is beyond reproach. you are the bedrock for your children and you committed you your husband in a loving relationship 100% - those in pursuit of their personal happiness will never understand us that work with what we have got and find our personal happiness there - i understand totally try to be strong for the children . (((fm))) Love Carrie x |
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