What I have lost volume 2

Okay back to reality.

I went to see my two youngest today and really wasnt in a good place. I mean i wasnt feeling very strong mentally to face her again.

I arrived and she said about getting a McDonnalds for dinner and split the cost as it looked like rain and my daughter was a bit poorly anyway so i agreed to stay there while i saw the kids.

The usual thing happened of course and as soon as everyone was comfortable i began to pine for my wife.

This normally involves me ushering her into the kitchen for a quiet chat away from the kids. And i tell her how i'm not having a great time and can we be together again and her saying that nothings changed (meaning she doesnt love me anymore). Neither of us has been unfaithful and i still love her deeply and i think we could reunite if she still loved me but she doesnt and i'm hoping with all my heart that she can find a reason to love me again.

I'm sure this is normal but i hate being a part time dad, hate it. All i can do is these contrived things that the kids enjoy but are costing me an arm and leg. If the truth be told i want my life back apart from some alterations on the domestic and stress front.

Please tell me if i am being stupid doing this because i cant keep going backwards. I know i have moved forward because i'm not so upset.

I mean i didn't buy her a birthday card and wasnt sure if i should because she told me to leave in the first place. My parents basically said don't you dare buy her one end of story. Anyway i mentioned the fact that i didnt forget her birthday but i wasnt sure if it was appropriate for me to get her one now and she starts crying so i give her a hug and she says the nobody remembered her birthday. So we hug some more and i tell her how much she means to me and please can we be together. Then she tells me she has been thinking about what is happening and is she doing the right thing? Of course i'm right on top of this one and tell her that she should think about all possibilities and she is giving me hope which is probably false hope.

So what do i do when i get back from seeing her? I'm in the nearest shop and find a suitable birthday card. It says everything i need it too and i fill it in and put some coy comments that she'll get and go to buy a stamp. No first class stamps. I dont want to get second class so i drive back there again and tape it to my sons new magazine that ive just bought and post it quickly and disappear again.

This is the great timing of my life at the moment. My parents arrive back from Winchester where they've been on their Ruby wedding anniversary. My mum shows off this great ruby and diamond ring and i just stare at the unfairness of it all.

Anyway love to you all and thanks for your comments.

Take care. Dave.