Sep 14

2008

Can't move on

I am in a difficult situation , If any of you have been following my story this will be easier to understand.

After dealing with my husbands severe depression last weekend I am emotionally drained. I still feel so guilty as I am the one who told him our marraige is over.

My problem now is, and this may sound very selfish, He isn't able to cope with working out finances etc, I have no idea what to do now, he was getting a seperation agreement written out by his sol, that is all stopped due to his depression.

I don't want to push him, but I cannot move on. I am looking for a full time job, no luck as yet, trying to get a bigger place to rent so my daughter has somewhere she can come to. I feel she is suffering, although she doesn't say so, He isn't eating or cooking etc.

I know I need to start Divorce proceedings, but I am scared that will push him over the edge. I try to talk with him, all he does is go on about fixing the marraige etc. I end up walking away as I hurt him every time I say It can't be fixed.

I know there isn't any answers to what I am writing.

Comments (8) add comment

Show/Hide comments

buxtonman said:

September 14, 2008
		What's the hurry? Why not give him some time to adjust? Your need to move on can wait a little surely as his pain is currently a lot greater than yours.. Just my thoughts Andy

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

pep said:

September 14, 2008
		Yes his pain is greater than mine. It's only that I have to know how the money situation is before I can rent another flat, give my daughter a place to come to. know whether I can afford to pay bills, tax etc. I may have to move away to get another job, but need accomadation to do that, catch 22. At the moment I only earn 400 a month, Part time so that I could be there for the kids. He doesn't want me living in the same village but I need to be close enough for my daughter. It is a difficult situation, how long do I wait before I have to do something, I don't know ?

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

JJ50 said:

September 14, 2008
		You should give him time, time to adjust he is obviously in a lot of pain and as you say you could push in over the edge - what is needed is time and patience from you your daughter might need somewhere to come to but he needs time to heal.

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Heath said:

September 14, 2008
		Hi pep Sorry for what you are going through, it sounds dreadful, but I do agree with Bux & JJ. I have seen some dreadful attitudes on other divorce forums towards people with depression, most with a risk of suicide, Many replies have been along the lines of leave him, if he does it, it's not your responsibility, and you have a clear conscience. I could not believe what I was reading. I understand your desire to move on, but people without depression suffer enough, as you probably know. I can't tell you how to live your life, but you came for some advice, and mine is to let him down slowly. However, this should be done in way that offers no way back, because we men nearly always hope for that, no matter how hopeless the situation. I did, and 2 years down the line I'm here! Best Wishes Heath

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

IKNOWNOW said:

September 14, 2008
		Pep, Sorry not very up on your story so far but understand that your husband is suffering from depression. Is this because of the divorce or historic? I know people have commented and said give him time, but it comes to a point where you have to look after number 1. Not saying that you cast his health and well being aside, but that you find ways to move on whilst showing his situation care and sensitivity. As I am coming in almost blind to your situation I may have things wrong so will just throw in a few suggestions. If your husband is managing to hold down a job then that would suggest that he is in a position to go forward with a divorce. If the situation is that he cannot work because of his depression then he should be receiving some support from the mental health team of your PCT, even if this is not the case than he could approach a charity like MIND to give him support, even offer an advocacy service to him so that he doesn't have to approach the divorce on his own. Have you looked into claiming any benefits, for things such as housing etc. Tax Credits, council tax benefit, housing benefit, some of these will take into account your house as an asset, but I believe that some may waiver that for upto 6 months during seperation and divorce. This may give you a bit of breathing space whilst you sort things out. I guess the other thing is to apply for more hours or another job offering more hours or money. I wish you all the best. At the end of the day we are only human and living with someone with mental health issues over a period of time is hard. Once you fall out of love for that person it becomes even harder. xx Sarah xx

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

pep said:

September 14, 2008
		thanks for all the comments, He is in counseling and is on AD's. He didn't have a history of depression until the seperation, not that I had noticed anyway. His GP now thinks that he has been suffering from depression for the past few years. 4 or 5, This is when our marriage started to fail and gradualy after all that time I ended it. He hasn't gone back to work since I left him. I had nothing planned, no where to go, no money of my own as every thing went into the joint account. I am finding it difficult as I have to ask him for money, I do have my part time wage but is not enough. This is why I need to sort things. Also I think if I ask for a divorce it might make him realise that I mean what I say. That there is no going back for me . Then he might be able to start looking to the future. I don't hate him, 22 yrs and 2 kids mean a lot to me. I hate him suffering so, but if I am there to support him I am scared that he will think there is hope.

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

fade2gray said:

September 14, 2008
		Sorry not up to date on your story but maybe it will be better for both of you if a clean break is made. Your guilt is not helping anyone and a terrible feeling for you to be experiencing. If your daughter has a happy mum she will not care about anything else and maybe you will be able to think more clearly if you are away from this situation. Sorry if speaking out of turn.Good luck x

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Mneme said:

September 21, 2008
		Pep, I feel for you because I was in the same situation, however I couldn't leave. I did for about six weeks, a couple of years ago after he did similar to what you decribed (in the bedroom). I did go back, and asked him to get counselling himself (he drank a lot and would lose his temper a lot). He said he would, and didn't. Still hasn't. Eventually I became ill myself, it was a nightmare. Then I came home to the UK. He still tried to insist on coming here to live and to try for a month or two, which made me worse. I had to be very firm. He is adjusting now, and sees that I am uncomfortable around him. This has taken a long time for him, and I had to do what's been suggested here, to let him go gently. I would be fine just being separated, but he won't support me while I'm here, and he is the one pushing to settle the finances, between ourselves, which won't work because he thinks he's entitled to the bigger share. So I guess I have to file for divorce. Good luck with it all. M

Votes: +0

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Write comment

Show/Hide comment form

You must be logged in to a comment. Please register if you do not have an account yet.