What I have lost

Okay it's Sunday and I'm seeing my little two today and that fills me with a happy thought for seeing them but also an anxious thought about looking after them and all the usual c**p about seeing the house again and missing everything i have lost.

Then of course there is her. 

My stbx and that hurts more than anything. I still love her. I know i do and for all i know i always will.

I thought she was perfect for me and maybe she was back then. Then my confidence began to fade and i began more and more to rely on her for my emotional support, decision making everything. I read a similar blog from some guy saying that he felt that he couldn't even choose a newspaper without getting it wrong that was how much he had been affected by her dominance. I didn't feel like i could do anything without running it by her first (God what is wrong with me?). For example if my parents wanted help with something (they didn't ask often) i would have to make sure i was allowed to do it first and then tell them the answer. When i met my wife i was probably the strongest mentally i have ever been. Then i couldn't even help a member of my family without feeling guilty that i was going to upset her (Oh my god (I'm glad i'm doing this blog at last now because seeing all this written down is quite an awakening experience)).

I've said this to her and i think it is quite literal. I did everything for her. I didn't do everything but everything which i did i did it with her in mind. I was rarely selfish and i know i put her first but did she ever put me first?

I know the old saying about look at the mother if you want to see what the daughter will be like and i dismissed that idea out of hand cos how could the gorgeous girl i thought i knew turn into a lazy, controlling, selfish cow like her mum. It was not even possible. Yet here i am and it seems to have happened without me noticing. 

I don't know if i'm being fair about this but i feel that she didn't give me the emotional support i needed. When my friends and family had been erroded to a safe distance i was pretty much left to fend for the family on my own.

I am not making this up now but i can't remember a single time when she chose to give me a kiss or a hug. If i felt that i needed a kiss or a hug (and i did) then i had to go to her for one never the other way around.

I'm not going to go into bedroom antics except to say that (you can probably guess) i was very giving and aimed to please where she was not (that is not to say i wasn't happy but there was something missing).   

I'm going to try to do this blog everyday cos i know its going to be exciting reading for me and hopefully others.   

I know i was happy on Friday and yet this is me today. Down, lost, full of self pity. I don't know if i can get my life on track. People i know seem to think i can do it so why don't i think it.

All i ever wanted was to be like other people and live a normal life and have a loving wife a family a house a car a job and be happy.

So far it seems like I've had everything everyone else had and still i wasn't happy. Whats that all about.

So what choices do i have then?

I could be stupid and selfish and give up. What will that give me? Nothing.

I can try to do the right thing and hope i get stronger because that is all the choices i have now.      

 I don't feel there was ever an equality in my marriage. I chose her she didn't choose me but i let her have control of the marriage because she wanted control and i was too weak (or giving read it how you want) to stand against her. We'd had tiffs and split up before and i was so in love with her by then that i just bent to her needs.

So what now how do i get my children to respect me when they're older?

And how do i get back by own self respect?

Love to you all Dave.