|
Sep 12
2008
|
 |
What weird days these are. I think I am coming out the other end, I woke up this morning and didn't think I want to die, I felt calm. I really did want not to be alive on many days but I kept coming to wiki and peeps always picked me up. Hopefully no panic attacks today either. This improvement can't be the pills yet as they haven't had time to kick in yet. I think the fact I have now been open with the gp about how I feel and taken control has made me feel better. I first thought that I felt better because he was talking about our future and wants to see how things go, but I think it is because I couldn't get lower and decided to take control of my life. There was no way I could leave my kids to pick up and carry on after their mothers suicide so I had to sort things out, it seemed the easy option to die but I am stronger than that, I have to be, not destroying my kids lives like my parents did mine.
I don't text him like I did, he texts me, he is opening up to me again, he says he loves me. But I'm not holding my breath, plan B is still going on. My grand new job starts in 3 weeks, I am off kickboxing, I am starting to get out and not relying on him for anything in my future. I desperately want him there but if I have a life and this goes wrong I will have a life to carry on with not nothing like I did before. It is so tough to keep going with plan B and i am panicking about my new job but I have to believe I will get there. I am also seeing how sad he is which is curious as he now has the exciting single life - grass isn't greener matey is it????
Strange days - you would think after all my psychology training I would be ok, but seeing it from the other side is very odd. Yesterday I worked with a girl who was abused as a child and has no self esteem and enters abusive adult relationships - I can help her but it took me ages to start applying what I know to myself, it's like i know it but can't do it.
Kids beginning to behave a bit better. They have been awful especially as I asked them for patience. At 15 and 18 they are old enough to just toe the line and not take the p**s whilst I was down. Previous blogs give details of kids, very bad behaviour!!!
So where now? I am going to pin him down again for a further chat and be a little more assertive again as to getting more details about exactly how he plans to move forward with me, no point in him saying he is going to unless he makes plans. I am still going to be wine free at the mo as need a clear head and need the pills to work well, and it just made me angry and cry. I am going to stay close to wiki, keep up with exercise and just take things slowly slowly. I have no idea how I will feel later on today let alone tonight so just going to let it be.
But all I can say is you are wonderful people, I have no idea where I would be without such unselfish caring support from people who have their own awful situations. Thank you.
xxxxx
P.S. late edit, just opened his mobile bill, they still in daily contact, several times some days. Needed to know, shouldn't have opened the bill but at least I know. he gonna have to talk tonight. He even texted her when we were together celebrating his 40th a few weeks back. Somethings going on.
Show/Hide comments
Goodman01
said:
| September 12, 2008 | ||
 |
Dear Fit, Its amazing how a little bit of routine and exercise can help to make you feel better about yourself, and fill your time! Sounds like you are moving forward, time to get your arrangements straight with your ex now, and in doing that you will feel even better, it will be rocky, no question there, but it will give you some form of stability, and that is good! Keep blogging, and good luck, if all fails, don?t start thinking about using your boxing skills! GM |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
bertie670
said:
| September 12, 2008 | ||
 |
Good luck trying to sort it all. It sounds grim and I suspect we all feel the same way, a real rollercoaster on occasions. Thank you for your support, it does help just knowing that people are listening. Bert |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
lyndamac
said:
| September 12, 2008 | ||
 |
fit bird, I never really found beat-blockers worked for panic attacks I was on them for years for an over active thyroid. Then when I had to deal with my ex- with his hands around my neck ........ no figment of my imagination he done it in front of the children it did not help. I had a bad panic attack at rush hour on the underground.I was on proprananol ,it never helped me at all . I climbed over the metal barrier and made my way out with another lady . We shared a taxi to Kingscross Mainline station . Later on I read my medical notes : my GP put me on them ,I have asthma so they made my chest very tight.I collapsed almost with pneumonia in the hospital and they done tests on me in hospital .The consultant said "I am horrified she is on them " can you not get her off them and on something else to my GP ? Imagine reading this.!!!! GPs ar eso busy 5 mins in and out . Moving on I know how women feel when they can not sit in the same room as their ex-partners,and why they also make very poor witnesses for court in these circumstances. I hope you get over this I have no simple answer except to say it is not easy . Also T cells get knocked out if you are going through change of life . I take hrt and this helps somewhat . Just a new life a break would be ideal . |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
carrie.watling
said:
| September 14, 2008 | ||
 |
I have really got into reading your blog - and have read from the beginning now so I know the story. he sounds so mixed up - if she would like the picture maybe you could work it out, but with looming from any corner .... good luck fitbird, you have your new job to look forward to ... new friends hold on that |
|
| Votes: +0 |
report abuse
vote down
vote up
|
Show/Hide comment form
