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Sep 11
2008
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I've so many feelings fighting to get out that it seemed time to get the blog out.
I have just been wrestling with the emotions kicked into life by my stbx suggesting we start talking again. We haven't said more than a couple of words since April, and the thought of it had me in tears, so I have said that it is not what I want at the moment. Actually I said I had nothing to say to him. Since replying in this way I have been struggling again.
Why can I still not see how it is for myself? When I wrote in forum what he had said in his e-mail, my reply and his response to it, there was such thoughtful advice from wiki peeps who are there for me and whose opinion I value enormously, particularly as they are speaking from experience. Yet somewhere in my head I find myself defending him..."he isn't someone who would act like they suggest, and they don't know him". Yet he has betrayed me repeatedly without any remorse, which suggests I am mistaken somewhere!
When I explained our problems as I saw them to a Relate counsellor she asked why on earth did I not want a divorce!! This was a turning point and really got me thinking; it was not what I expected her to say at all. I read a lot on co-dependency and I recognised a lot of the dynamics ...from my childhood and in my marriage.
These dynamics are still there; they are deep seated in my psyche. I need to go back and re-read the books to strengthen my resolve.
Asserting myself without retracting is likely to be something that changes the dynamics and will be uncomfortable for us both. It will make him respond to keep his controlling position, but if I hold fast it will eventually set me free. That is why I can't talk to him...I am starting to break free of deeply ingrained dynamics which were fundamental to our relationship, and I havent set up new strong patterns to take their place as yet.
I know I will not be the same person at the end of this journey.
finding
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Iwillbeok
said:
| September 11, 2008 | ||
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Hi finding I admire your courage. You are so right. If we always do the same things, we can only expect to get the same results. Change makes us feel uncomfortable but it is all about working towards forging new, healthier patterns. We will grow from our experiences and, when we come out on the other side, we will have the freedom and courage to be who we really are. Wishing you well Iwillbwok x |
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marriaa
said:
| September 12, 2008 | ||
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You have to stay away from him till you are a lot stronger,it will happen but it takes time. You can be used only if you allow it!!! |
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Poppie
said:
| September 12, 2008 | ||
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Finding, please don't feel that you have to see him or speak to him, it is your choice and until you feel strong enough and ready then as marriaa has said stay away from him. I felt very similar to you Finding and when I did finally have the strength to see ex it was my choice and we met in a coffee shop of all places but that was easiest for me with other people around. Things are easier now but it does take time, I can now see him and speak to him without feeling the pain. Thinking of you. Poppie xx |
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