A weekend of Reflection!

Firstly, I would just like to say thank you to everyone that came to London last weekend for making it the success that it was.

I was quite apprehensive about coming to London, worried about how people would see me and whether they would like the person they saw. Worried that all the organising would go to pieces and the event would not go well. On that point I need not have worried. There were a few glitches but nothing that couldn't be sorted.

The previous Wednesday had seen me in court fighting to extend my Non-Molestation Order. As you maybe aware the hearing didn't go well and I fell to pieces. Having a few close wiki friends on the end of a phone pulled me through. I have decided that I am done with fighting him through the courts over his bullying and this will become more apparent why later.

My children had gone back to school and court was done and then I had to focus on London. There were  a lot of last minute changes behind the scenes and at times I felt like throwing it all in. Just the stress of the week's events I guess.

London was always going to be a big thing for me, not the organising, that was ok, that was easy in comparison to what the event meant to my life. I was leaving my children for the first time ever in nearly 12 years. I was meeting people that had formed opinions of me and had pictured this image of me. I have laid my life bare in my blogs and thought I was an open book. I was worried that I wouldn't look good. The dress that I hired was lovely but the jewellery and accessories were too much for me, too bling.

I had to personalise the dress to show the real me which is a milestone in itself. Heels, make up and jewellery are not things that I wear but I found myself excited at purchasing them. I needed to feel sassy to remotely pull off looking confident while being scared inside.

The weekend was so overwhelming, people wanting to meet me, Sarah. People commenting on how I was doing myself a diservice with the picture I had on my profile.

I was sharing a room with Shelia which was ok because we had met the week previously in Norwich with a few of the other ladies. It is weird because I felt so easy with Shelia; I wasn't conscious of my body, in fact Shelia made a comment about how I was sat at the laptop in just my bra, knickers, stockings and suspenders and burgundy heels and what the wiki men would be saying if they could see me there and then.

I spoke to my children on the phone and they all seemed excited for me. Wiki is not a secret from my children and they were interested in the people that I had met. My children all sounded fine, they didn't even appear to miss me. I didn't feel guilty that I was just about to go to a party while they were home with my parents.

I was not prepared for the comments that I received when I went down to the bar for drinks before dinner. I found it all really overwhelming but had to keep that inside; had I started crying I don't think I would have stopped.

I am filling up now just recalling the comments. People commented on how gorgeous I looked and how I was just lovely. It has been more than a decade that I have gone without praise or compliment. No comment of how radiant or gorgeous I ever looked. Maybe I didn't, maybe I was ugly.

When it came to sitting down to dinner I chose to sit on a table with just myself and Luckyfist, I gave him no choice really. He has been at the end of a phone, on the webcam or only a text away and I felt safe with Luckyfist. Gradually people joined the table and luckily it was full of people that I had spoken to in chat on a fairly regular basis.

I stuck to drinking water throughout the meal, still hadn't decided whether drinking was the way to go and I hadn't eaten all day either. It is weird, but it was almost as if this person sat where I was, just wasn't me but someone else. The compliments kept coming and I didn't know how to respond at all.

So many people have said that I was so much more beautiful than my picture and that I was in fact this sparky, cool person. Now I will be the first to admit that I have found it easier to talk to the men on the site than the women. I always did get on better with men.

This is the hard bit for me. I actually started to enjoy myself, let my hair down, have a drink. My history with alcohol is via my ex-husband in that he was a heavy drinker and this was the main reason I left him. Drink scares me, what people are like when they have been drinking. My ex was an abusive drinker or a drinker that was also abusive, will never really know whether the alcohol was a syptom or an excuse. I almost had to give myself permission to drink a pint or 2 of lager (eventually think it was more like 6 or 7). I got the fuzzy head feeling and danced the lager off for a bit.

I apologise for not mingling more than I did. People came up to me and introduced themselves, some didn't even realise I was there because I was so different to the Sarah people have perceived on line. I am not different, but people had built this image of my persona. I tended to stick to the people that I chat to a lot on wiki or people that follow my blogs.

I exuded confidence, sure deep down I must have felt it. It was hard having to go up and collect gifts from Ian, truly it was. Ian has had certain expectations of me over the time I have been on wiki and sadly I have not always lived up to them. Julian ex FBGS will tell you that I can be a little defensive and take things personally too much. That is just me and sometimes it gets me into a bit of trouble.

I want to say a personal thank you to GeJay for telling me so many times that I am a strong, confident, beautiful woman and seeing that maybe he just might be a little right.

I also want to thank Phoenix1 for what he did. £135 was raised on a raffle with the proceeds going to a Domestic Abuse charity, obviously something very close to my heart. Phoenix1 approached me and said that he would double whatever I had raised. This was not about the money, this was about so much more.

Being on wiki over the past year and a bit has shown me tenfold that there are lovely, genuine, honest and kind men that I am proud to say I know and some even proud to call my friends.

Being in an abusive marriage could mean that I would be running scared of all men but the wiki men on the whole have shown me that they are not all like my ex-husband.

My opinion was never respected, I was fat and ugly, I was worthless. London has shown me that I deserve and warrant respect, I am happy with my body even though I am on the large side.

It has taken me until today to realise that what people say about me may actually have some truth in it. I have had phone calls, texts, and private messages from people just to say how gorgeous I looked or to comment on how well organised the event was.

I have spent the last 3 days crying, crying for the loss of my life as I knew it. Running scared. Scared to look at the real me. Scared that I want more from life. London was the start of my memory box to my new life.

I have some very special memories. While London has shown me that I can be that confident, beautiful, intelligent woman it has shown me so much more. It has shown me that I don't have to be fearful of a man violating me just because we talk and get on. I know I had respect from some of the men at London, but one person proved to me that I can trust his word and made me feel safe in a man's arms again.

If I take one thing away from London it will be that I have a life beyond an abusive marriage and a life beyond my children. I need to live life for me too. I need to say a special thank you to lots of people but I want to say publically, thank you to Passport for always being there for me and being the best friend a girl could have. GeJay, Mankydog and a*j, for showing me that I have the strength to be Sassy Sarah and that I am worth something, anything and that I need to go out and show my ex-husband that he can't bully me any more.

London was the start of something scary, an adventure of discovery. I still need answers and a lot more inward reflection but London has opened the floodgates.

I walked into the school playground and was noticed on Monday morning all because I had taken pride in my appearance. I have been a wallflower too scared to grow. I was scared to grow because I have buried so much of the old Sarah I was scared of what I might find.