Bye-Bye Mediation

Here's my first blog entry on Wikivorce. I've been blogging about my situation sporadically in a separate space at http://alovingdad.blogspot.com which I don'[t think anyone else has ever read, but I'm more than happy for wikivorcers to visit it and take a peak. I thought I'd continue things here as I feel very secure and supported within this environment and welcome people's thoughts on my situation, hoping that some of the things I'm going through could be useful to others.

 Yesterday marked the end of about 8 months of periodic mediation with FXW (future-ex-wife), most of which has been pretty catastrophic to the remnants of our relationship. The sessions seem to have been used by FXW as an excuse to air her accusations and vitriole towards me in front of an audience of two. It started off with one mediator, an extremely lovely lady, but when it was clear that she couldn't really control or prevent a number of streams of silliness, and I found myself having to repeatedly refute things which were patently untrue, I asked her to 'call in back up'. She seemed relieved and happy to do this - I suggested it be a bloke, preferably a dad, as there would then be a balance in the room. Enter mediator two, an experienced chap, who tried his very best with his colleague to get us to agree to arrangements for the kids (and to mitigate the nastiness which flowed), but FXW's position became more and more extreme and entrenched as time went on, and after every mediation session the atmosphere in the home (where we both still live with our two gorgeous boys who are 4 and 6) deteriorated. 

I suggested that all this wasn't getting anywhere, but she insisted on continuing, so I went along just in case there was any hope. I also quite liked the two mediators, and as there were some comedy moments in there which frequently brought on big smiles and suppressed laughter fromthe female mediator, I figured maybe this could be turned around. 

The final session consisted of FXW suggesting I vacate the house periodically during the week to give her some 'space'. The mediators pointed out that for this to be fair it would need to be reciprocated on an equal basis. She said that she wanted it to reflect the schedule that she was arguing for in the future (which basically would get me out of the house three nights a week and she would vacate one night). I'm not a night person - I often go to bed shortly after the kids at around 9.30 or 10 - I love the mornings, 6.30 onwards, where the kids bounce downstairs and play with me in the room I sleep now sleep in. So where would I go? On the other hand she has made a habit of going out very late into the night (2am onwards) after the kids go to bed, I don't know who she's hanging out with, but I know he or she is local as she walks there.

Anyway, all this was met with some bemusement from the others in the room, particularly when my response was.. 'Ahh let me think about this. Set a precedent for future parenting arrangements which I wholeheartedly disagree with and feel is detrimental to the children's welfare? Very interesting.' The lady mediator cracked up in open laughter. FXW's eyes widened in a psychotic stare. Cue a bunch of vitriole and lies, including a 'my solicitor's better than yours' comment. 

At the end of the session I thanked both the mediators, who I think had tried their best, but pointed out that although FXW now was all geared up for court, that I was hoping for a settlement negotiated through correspondence, and I found this process much cleaner and neater than these rather nasty and personally affronting mediation sessions, which people's accusations were 'off the record' and therefore not particularly controllable. They wished me all the best. I hope I meet them again sometime, because they were both really nice people - particularly the lady who seemed to enjoy the lighter moments. It's a shame they just couldn't find a way of working with such a self-evidently hostile situation.

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