An evening of feeling bad about myself

This wiki entry is not designed for replies. It is made purely to serve as a reminder of an event.

It contains a description of a moment in time that has happened which, for me, I need to write down.

The feelings that surround the event cannot be described in text, and so extracting what you will from this content, and pre-judging my situation, will only serve to encourage you to enter negative comments, and I would respectfully ask that, if that is your intent, please read but do not comment.

I have, rather disrespectfully, always described dancing with my wife as like “…pushing a wheelbarrow full of bricks around the dance floor…”.

As a dance couple, you are always taught that the ladies part in the dance, which invariably means that she is dancing backwards whilst he dances forwards, should feel, for the man, more like he is pushing a supermarket trolley. Easy to steer around the floor and with little resistance.

Those aren’t my words, just ask any dance teacher and they’ll tell you that.

Now, dancing with my wife isn’t like that. It really is hard work. She is more concerned with looking at other people and making decisions for herself as opposed to concentrating on her own dancing and responding to my lead, the lead being the signal to her through bodily contact which tells her of my directional intent.

So, the wheelbarrow description above, though rather unfair and exaggerated, is a means that I have used in the past to describe to those that are closest to me, and who I get support from, how it feels to be dancing with my wife.

Of course, this is only dancing after all, and if it doesn’t work out between us, we should, of course, just give it up. But it’s more than that to me. I am good at dancing, so I want to continue of course – and to that end it’s only really appropriate that she’s my partner – but more than that – having her as a dance partner is such a huge reminder of having her as a life partner.

So, last night was the first evening back dancing after the summer break. And I’d been looking forward to this for a while. Just an hour of dancing and socialising.

And during a moment whilst standing to the side, my eyes were drawn towards one couple. And it wasn’t for any reason other than the amount of attention she was giving to him.

They were moving quite rapidly and confidently around the floor. I mean, they were beginners, you could see that from their lack of technique. But they were confident. And you could see that she was concentrating on his lead. And when he lead, she followed. Always. And that trust she was showing in his ability to lead was re-enforcing his confidence in making decisions. She was staring at him and trusting him.

Then, there was us. Far better technique wise, after all we’ve been doing this nearly 3 years, but with seemingly no direction or lead. And what happens with us is that she’s not focussing on me, but rather looking around the floor at other people or things like walls, and trying to make her own decisions on where the dance goes.

And it is difficult to lead someone who isn’t paying attention. And so, after 30 seconds, I give up. Walk away and stand on the sidelines, and watch other people who are far more inexperienced but seemingly more successful.

And that is how I see my life. Living with someone who mistrusts me, who shows more interest in other people and their needs rather than that of her husbands. Who won’t listen. Who fights every step of the way.

And when we step out onto the dance floor I know that there will be like life, a struggle. A struggle to be listened to and understood. A struggle to have an opinion and for it to be listened to. A struggle to make a decision and have it acted upon.

And the longet this goes on, the more I think that perhaps it’s time for me to find a new dance partner. Sorry, did I say dance partner, or did I mean life partner?