More stupid mess

Well still in a mess. Still was hoping. Next installment. He turned up just gone 11am on his birthday, I had no idea what was happening. He said what did I want to do. He was feeling ill so didn't want to do much but wanted to spend day with me. Not kids but me. Kids didn't really want to see him so no issue there. We took dog out for long walk then came back and I made up picnic as a buffet at home. Then chilled in lovely sun in the garden and talked and laughed. He went off about 5 as he had arranged to meet pals in pub. He didn't have great night as wasn't feeling great but texted me last night and this morning to say what a lovely time he had. He wanted to see me monday night. I bit narky at the mo as he still not really answered any questions. He wanted to play tonight!!!!! Well........NO!!! I asked him some questions about her. I asked if he still saw her, he said she was part of his group. I said pub group or golf group, he said both. I now need to know more as yesterday he was hanging me on that stupid bit of string again with glimmers of hope.

He wants to see me but not live with me. But at the moment I appear to be a secret.........new one guys.........keeping your realtionship with your wife a secret. He says in time we'll see. So before I agree i need some clear answers. I also am not going to agree to the keeping me a secret bit. If he seeing her regularly as part of his group and the group knew about them then I need to be introduced to the group of friends he has made. I need to be part of his social life, more so than her, even if they just friends now.

He says relationships can work where people don't live together, yeah but I not got a lot of trust in him so unless he gives it his all it goes nowhere. But I held firm tonight. He wasn't giving answers, I wasn't giving anything either.......he's got a right hand! He said if i wanted a quest i should have waited to see him in person to chat, but I can't as i cry in person if we try and talk.

I know if I was patient in time it would work out, but i am not patient. I either want to know if it gonna go anywhere and I need answers or not. Plan B (no him included) is still going ahead but plan a keeps being dangled. Just told him I need to know he not keeping me going until he sorted things out with her, I need some honesty from him. I also really really don't like even if they are just friends them spending time together even in a group. This was after all the tart that he really liked and who he said he saw his future with. He said to me after i said that that i was wrong and he doesn't want her anymore. I will believe it when he introduces me to the group as his wife.

If he left me why is it the big deal for him to come back. It is like he is frightened it won't work.............durrrrrr...........who is the one who should lack trust - yep ME!!

God this relationship and marriage and divorce and stuff is crap. I have such a headache all the time. I will keep on trying to sort it, i know you'll all tell me I can do better and i am wasting my time but i just cannot find the strength to do it. I am stuck. Well sort of as have new job in oct, and starting to go out socially again and stuff but still hanging on in there for him. I feel so stupid as I kinda know I am probably heading for another fall but..................oh who the hell knows???? i sure as don't.  

xxx