Too sensitive or insensitive?

First, I want to answer some comments made in my previous blog entries.

Over analysing… OK, very probably I over analyse on almost all situations. The thing is, when you’re living the bad dream, then it’s so easy to try to work out every situation to its’ last nut and bolt.

So, if I’m bugging you by that, I’m sorry. I do take it on board, and I do know it’s happening, but for me this blog is my therapy. I will refer, even print off, all of this for use later. I need to be precise. Get it right.

Next, I’m coming into the Chat Room soon. Thing is, as a “work-at-home” dad, the kids are around, so I don’t get the chance to do that often. I’m reckoning I’ll be in on Wednesday a.m. at about 08:45.

So, too sensitive or insensitive?

At this moment in time, I run a very tight coping strategy. If I didn’t have one, I’d certainly go under. The best example of my coping strategy is when it comes to Birthday’s and Christmas’s.

Let me first explain how I cope, then I’ll explain why the strategy is in place.

In order to satisfy the “Gift” scenario, I very carefully plan what to get. This is done by creating a gift list, perhaps 5 of 6 items, compiled by her, and used by me to get me through the day.

What I’ll do is to consider the list, look at the items entered, and decide what to get. It will be a balance between what is affordable and what will offer me the least grief. So I’ll take a couple of items from the list and think…

“…that really is too expensive…”

Then I’ll take a couple of other items from the list and think…

“…that might give the impression that I haven’t spent enough.

Finally, I’ll come across some items that match first the price, then the quantity and lastly the grief value.

Now, everyone out there is welcome to pre-judge that situation if they like, for me it my way of getting through the day. First she gets items she likes (after all she chose them) and lastly I get away with spending what I can afford on a grief-free day. I guess I’m simply buying a quiet life.

Of course that’s not how I want it to be. But, after years of having earrings exchanged because they’re too large, or clothing returned because it’s the wrong colour, or grumbles because she’d have preferred  something else altogether… or any number of other hurtful scenario’s because she’s thinking of what she’d like as opposed to the feelings of those that bought it, you kind of develop a strategy of how simply to get through the day.

Interestingly, one of the “Old Ladies” that she visits in her home (in her job as a carer of the elderly) bought her a bottle of perfume for Christmas. She showed me, and said “…how sweet, of course it’s not my favourite scent so I’ll never use it”. I replied (and this was out of sarcasm) “…why don’t you exchange it? I mean, you exchange my gifts”. “…I couldn’t do that, she’s so sweet…and besides, you’re my husband, you should understand if I want to exchange something”.

I remember a situation when the kids were little. Mother’s day, 7:00 a.m. Got kids up, washed, dressed, breakfasted. Then, my secret plan. Down to the woodland to pick some flowers. Then, back home. Breakfast in bed for the hard working mummy.

Well, all was well ! It all seemed to going down a treat. I left them all upstairs. It was mother’s day after all, she’s bound to want time with the kids.

Then, half a hour later down they all came. But something wasn’t the same. What was it? Hang on… didn’t I dress the girls in their stripy dresses? I did! But now they’re in their spotty ones! Wow, she’s changed the girls clothing because she wasn’t happy with what I’d chosen.

So, she says I’m too sensitive. And I reckon she’s insensitive. Of course, each to his or her own I know, and some of you will see this one way, others will see it another. That’s what makes people different.

All I know is how I feel on a daily basis. To be living with someone who seems to be constantly ungrateful, To live with someone who wants to control every aspect of my life.

The time will come when I don’t have to drive her around as the passenger in my car. To be told “…turn right here…”, “…you should have gone left there…”, “I’d have gone that way around the one way system…”, “…park there…”.

I mean, f***ing hell, I’m almost at the point when I feel I can’t even choose a bloody newpaper for fear of getting it wrong!

Ah well, such is life.

Bye bye Wiki’s, blog or chat to you all soon.