Emotions

Well - my first ever blog and it has to be about separation.

What can I say after 28 years of marriage plus 3 years of living togther, its all going tits up!

It all started two and a half weeks ago, well the crisis did obviously loads going on before that, that I know now.

Monday 9th July.

I find a receipt for hotel accomodation (April2007) - one double room booked in the name of my husband and his training partner(woman) - both Marathon runners and friends for some years. They would go to marathons together, sometimes with other runners of their group.

I'm reading this back now and thinking - this was sooo obvious - how on earth could I think it was a case of just good friends - except my bloke is really nice and I thought we were good friends and she seemed nice and had a boyfriend. la, la ,la.

So now I have to look deeper - well you do don't you? He has been asking me about how muchsavings we have - I tend to look after this side of the finances. And now the day after he has asked me this he has visted a solicitor (18th June 2007), so I discover - one who specialises in divorce and finances!

Ok - so at this point my jaw hits the ground, my stomach is churning, the shock I feel is well, I really don't know. My first definable emmotion here is anger, well fury probably.

Well that night I can't sleep at all, just lie awake - no useful thoughts just a jumble of confusion, some pity, mostly anger and a feeling of betrayal - how could he, what am I going to do, what will the kids think (21 and 18 years), what will my mum think? - she loves the bloke.

Eventually I decide to try and act normally at least till my head clears and I can think logically.

So I get up and send some emails to a good friend.

Tuesday 10th July

Well no sleep last night and now I can't eat - my stomach is so full of nerves, or something, that I just feel sick every time I think of eating.

I didn't mention this bit, but hubby has just been made redundant, and so is at home all day.

Check my emails - no reply. I need to get out of the house so I take my dog for a long walk, come back check emails and they are bouncing back at me, delivery delay! Can't phone my best friend cos I dont have a mobile of my own and hubby is in the house. I really need somebody to talk to.

I can’t stay in the house any longer so out I go, on my own, visit Costa Coffee, read papers, go to the library, anything to stay out. I find myself playing music involving anger and betrayal, one song just get played over and over Evanescence Everybodys fool – its perfect

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

Other songs going through my head ‘everyday I love you less and less’ and ‘I hate you so much right now’

Check my emails – still nothing, still none being delivered. At this point I reallly need to talk – so phone my friend with hubby sitting on the sofa infront of me and ask her if she is getting any emails and she hasn’t. So ask her if she wants a chat on MSN, so that’s what we do. We usually have a bit of light banter, feel like a couple of teenagers giggling on the internet, so she aint expecting what I have to say. It’s such a relief. She, of course, was not as surprised as me – she had been teasing me for some time that they must be having an affair, that men and women can’t just be good friends like that, I would just laugh and say ‘no, not my husband, they really are just friends otherwise they wouldn’t be so open about training together and chatting on the phone in front of me’.

Think I managed to eat an apple that day.

Main emotion felt today – fury and revenge

Wedsnesday 11^th July

Well a few hours sleep at least – today I have tennis in the morning with some friends – I’m OK at tennis, play for the local club and have some regular tennis girlfriends who I play with.

Made sure I forced down some cereal – need the energy and off I go to beat the hell out of that little yellow ball. I thought I would get rid of some negative emotion in this way, but ended up unable to concentrate. I just kept getting waves of emotion suddenly building up, and my stomach would start doing flip fllops again.

Still I played a reasonable game, but didn’t want to bore this particular group of friends with my problems. Flipping heck when it happens to you you really think you are all alone – but, of course this just aint true – it happens all the time, pretty normal activity really and very boring for everybody else. Not the tennis, the other party off for a quickie with somebody else, I mean!

Well Weds evening is running club night – so off goes hubby to ‘run’ with his running partner and I’m at home, thinking ‘I cant stand this, what shall I do?’. Well I have been interested in starting fencing classes for a while – just haven’t got around to it, and its on weds nights. So call up my friend who knows the tale and ask her to come with me and hold my hand – which she does. So now I have booked lessons with the fencing teacher – praps that will take my mind off things. Me and friend then bunk off down to the pub and I get home around 10.30pm.

Very tired so off to bed – and can’t sleep.

So now I’m lying there wide awake and going over things in my mind again. The anger is starting to fade and now the guilt starts creeping in (I prefer the anger personally). I’m not a great wife really, house is not tidy, rubbish cook, no meals on the table, no ironing done until absolutely nescessary. The passion and romance has faded over the years – ah how I miss those! So I’m thinking I could have done more. And yes – I could have to be honest.

I have my tennis, he has his running, both of us happy to let the other do his thing. But then I never used this freedom to have it away with anybody – damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway emotion turning to guilt, still with anger.

Thursday 12^th July onwards

Well from now on I will just summerise my feelings from then till the present day and then maybe add something day by day.

It took me till the following Tuesday 17^th July before I could sit down with friend and work out what I needed to do and maybe set out a time scale to try and stick with it.

Meanwhile I’m getting little or no sleep, trying to eat something dropping half a stone. But what I can’t figure out really is how I can keep going physically, but honestly I feel I have tons of energy don’t feel jaded at all, feel almost energised.

Once I had a plan, I slept very well – that night at least.

So now I wait – my son has a job starting in September, hubby has no job, we (hubby and I) have just bought a house in Europe that I was going to spend some time on in September. This would mean that my 18 year old daughter would be left alone in the house and have all this to deal with if I caused a confrontation at this time.

I also need to find out finacially how things will work out – haven’t worked since I had the kids 21 years ago – well the odd part time job.

What can I do? No current work experience. I have sold stuff on ebay and amazon – could I make enough doing this? Could flog off some running kit come to think of it – anyone want some? I have knocked out a few websites, done some mystery shopping – I love the internet, but can I live off it?

So I find this site and register and see if I can find out some info before the s*** hits the fan.

One definite thing I have decided is I want out – I really can’t stand this feeling of utter betrayal, this just hurts too much, trying not to be bitter, trying to be calm, but I nearly choke when she phones up and asks to talk to him.

Emotions still wash over me in great waves, anger, guilt, self pity – I hate that one it makes me feel weak.

I have had 3 fencing lessons – have to concentrate so hard on that so for that one hour I forget.

Hubby applies for jobs meanwhile – a few interviews but no job, which means money going down fast, and also he is here most of the time. The running partner works – so is not around in the day!