Trying to stop

I have had two weeks without my DD's who have been in america with their father.  I had a week in Spain with my family and bf.  On the whole it has been hard (missing the girls, him not making it easy to contact them and still being sarcastic and snide) but I had a wonderful time away and the contact with STBX has been minimal (hooray).

He has tried to control me still, but friends and family have all been giving me a talking to about the fact that I am still influenced by my fear of his reactions to me moving on.  My parents, my family, my friends all say - stop being controlled by him and get on with your life with bf and girls.  I have made the decision that the girls will meet my bf after their hols and felt a relief when I had said, 'yes, he is not going to control me anymore'.

They are due back tomorrow morning and will be jet lagged and tired.  STBX suggested he just put them to bed and I could see them 'when they are ready'. I will be picking them up from his house....  now the ANNOYING thing - I have swapped cars with my bf at the moment - he is getting some work done on it ready to sell. My car small and inexpensive - his expensive and large - point of this is that when I go to STBX house tomorrow he will implode that I turn up in this car and make a scene about me being a materialistic witch blah blah blah....

 More than half of me thinks, tough, its a year since we finally separated, he cannot keep controlling me by me being afraid of the fallout - the wimpy victim side says tell him that I dont have a car at the moment and let him drop the girls to me (which he will probably refuse to do).....

 WHY!!!!!????  Why do I talk a good game of being not influenced by him anymore and then still be awake early this morning worrying about being bollocked tomorrow because I have BF's car on loan???!!!

 God I annoy myself. I really think that I worry now because I am so used to worrying about it all.  AAARRRGGGGHHH.