An attack of emotions

Oh I know I should be in bed at 2.30am but need to clear my mind of some thoughts before even trying to sleep.

 I joined facebook yesterday, something a friend of mine has been trying to get me to do for a while. OMG I already have 16 friends. I find myself crying tonight though. Not only have people added me as their friends but they have also sent me messages. People that I lost out of my life the day I said "I Do!"

I never realised until now, the amount of friends I said goodbye to and the lifestyle I lost the day I got married. It was almost that quickly. I can recall making excuses even back then as to why I couldn't stay in St John Ambulance. An organisation, a network of friends that had been part of my life since I was at Primary School.

I look at these friends now and wonder how different my life would have been. I know that is stupid and we all choose certain paths in life but I feel crap to think that even as early as the first year of my marriage he was already controlling my friendships and my outside interests. Yes, I had a young baby but other couples did it. St John Ambulance embraced families. I guess friends made the assumption that I was blissfuly happy with a new husband and a new baby.

The real Sarah just faded away gradually so that I didn't notice her going and scream for her to come back. I miss the old me, the pre-marriage me. I thought she was coming back, that she had found me again and that we could be friends but now I am not so sure. I feel battered and bruised. I am fighting to find her.

The closer Wiki London gets the more excited I get but the more scared I get. Scared of 2 things. Scared that my ex-husband will use it against me. Leaving my children for the first time ever other than when I was in hospital having them. Torn between whether I feel guilty for leaving them with my parents for the weekend (one night) or whether I don't. I need me time so desperately, why should I feel guilty? Because my ex-husband would have made me feel guilty. Nobody, not even my parents was ever good enough to care for my children. I need to find me again whoever me is.

London will be the first time that I have been out other than to family weddings (which aren't good times for me - the catalyst to leaving my ex was at my brother's wedding when he openly abused me in front of friends and family) and the occasional night out with my best friend.

OMG 75 people who have this picture in their head of the type of person that I am. I still haven't worked out how to accept a compliment gracefully, something you lose the art of doing when you don't get any for 11 years. People are already thanking me for organising London and I am always quick to come back with a comment rather than just saying thank you.

London was for me, I need London. It symbolises something. The turning point in my life. Two fingers up at my ex-husband. I can leave my children with their loving grandparents for a couple of days and they will survive, the older ones probably glad to see the back of me after 6 weeks of school holidays.

Of course the children will tell him that I am not home when he phones them Saturday night. My 10 yo daughter knows all about wiki and has helped me organise London (she knows some of your names as much as I do).

Wiki is my social life and I want my children to be part of that. I don't want to tell my children that they can't tell their father certain things about my life (God knows they tell me enough about his). What can he do to me? Nothing more than he is already doing.

I am in court on Wednesday to extend and vary my Non-Molestation Order. 7 months ago he was ordered by the courts to leave me alone. To date he still ignores that Order. I am now self repping as I can't afford representation and Legal Aid was not in place in time. He has already tried to bully me into withdrawing my application, but I am stronger than that thanks to my friends on wiki. I need to show him that he can't bully me any more. At the moment he is self repping too, but sure that will change come Tuesday when he realises we are indeed in court on Wednesday.

The money he will pay a barrister with would top my mortgage up for the next 3 months at least. I had to question myself as to whether I was doing the right thing financially as I am asking him for more money just to keep a roof over the kids heads. Am I making him throw good money away?

I have to do this and I have to not think about his reaction when he finds out I left the children with my parents. It is my life now, he no longer owns me. I am not his possession nor his toy. However I behave on Saturday is how I choose to behave not how he would have expected me to behave. Not looking over my shoulder incase he is making an abusive comment because he has been drinking. Not waiting for everything to go wrong because it always did and it was always my fault. Not having to make excuses to people because we had to leave early.

I am scared about Wednesday all on my own, not even a solicitor to hide behind. Scared that if he has a barrister that they will tear me to pieces like on previous occasions even with my solicitor present. I know I need to be strong but he needs to know that he can't intimidate me anymore. He is still playing games with me and I hate it.

He is getting married in November and has someone to come home to every night. Someone to tell him it is alright. Someone to hold him. Someone to talk to. Someone to kiss him goodnight.