Every boy needs a full time father figure

When I was 15 years old, he just went. I mean, he wasn’t much of a role model in truth, but still – he was my Dad.

…and as time moves on and the years tumble by, I look back on those years after he went and realise what a bloody mess I was.

I mean, there I was now the new “Man Of The House” having to deal with such situations as finding my Mum in the under stairs cupboard in darkness holding a knife to her neck. What a bloody mess I became.

And I stayed like that for many years – and only now that I have a Son of my own can I realise why I was like that: I had nobody whatsoever to teach me how to become a Man. To transform myself from a boy into a man of the world. To take on the world, to create a family unit of my own, to love, to cherish and just to be.

And, as the years have rolled on I have come to realise that the Woman He had to live with, my Mother, the selfish one that will threaten to commit suicide in darkness with a knife, was more likely to be the reason why he ultimately left.

And it took me many years to track him down. I mean, I didn’t really necessarily want to meet him again, it was after all over 20 years since he’d gone, but still just to let him know I’d tried. But it was too late. He’d died in June last year in his home with his new wife in America.

And in truth, I can honestly say it has taken me until I’m in my 40’s to learn how to become a man. But I’ve done it.

In 2002 I set up an internet web site, a kind of “Friends Reunited” style web site, that allows dads and their children to register as interested parties to become reunited. And they registered in their thousands.

One message written reads:

“…you named me Hazel, then you went away and left me with a hole in my heart where my dad should be…”

…and I look on my life right now, married to the person I found when I was 21, the one that I have never really loved but was the person least likely to hurt me at that time, having had 3 children, and know that I’m needed. Not by Her, but by our Children. And Him, our Son, is growing up being taught how to be a Man.

This is hurting. I have never lumped all of this together. Never talked about it. Never confessed. And here it sit, with tears in my eyes confessing all.

I will be mended one day. But whilst I’m needed to be a full time Dad, here I’ll stay. Bringing our Children up in a seeming united family. But one day, when it’s right, I will find some time for Me.