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Aug 27
2008
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Note to self:
Just a little upset about a comment that was left on my blog yesterday, blog entry entitled "My life's analogy".
Explanation - when things happen in your life, it's easy to become obsessed by it. So, if someone makes a comment about your weight, you can easily find yourself looking in every reflection of a shop window, or mirror, to see if you're putting on weight. Or, if you find out someone has been cheating on you, you normal rational goes out the window, and jealousy and suspicion creep in, which are not normally your traits.
The thing that has happened in my life is that my woman has taken control of many of the decisions, creating argument in order to get her own way. With this control, she has forged on - and trashed things. I refer more than anything to her inability to control her spending and, not once, but twice bankrupting us.
Yesterday’s analogy blog was my way of explaining to myself, not others, how - even in a situation whereby control must come from me, the dominant force between us will not submit.
The comment was that my blog appears to be sexist, and am upset by this. I am not sexist, and love the fact that women are in this world too, and in the right situation can complement men wonderfully creating a perfect partnership.
I was under the impression that a blog offered an opportunity for one to express ones own thoughts, not to be criticised for them.
End of note to self.
Just a little upset about a comment that was left on my blog yesterday, blog entry entitled "My life's analogy".
Explanation - when things happen in your life, it's easy to become obsessed by it. So, if someone makes a comment about your weight, you can easily find yourself looking in every reflection of a shop window, or mirror, to see if you're putting on weight. Or, if you find out someone has been cheating on you, you normal rational goes out the window, and jealousy and suspicion creep in, which are not normally your traits.
The thing that has happened in my life is that my woman has taken control of many of the decisions, creating argument in order to get her own way. With this control, she has forged on - and trashed things. I refer more than anything to her inability to control her spending and, not once, but twice bankrupting us.
Yesterday’s analogy blog was my way of explaining to myself, not others, how - even in a situation whereby control must come from me, the dominant force between us will not submit.
The comment was that my blog appears to be sexist, and am upset by this. I am not sexist, and love the fact that women are in this world too, and in the right situation can complement men wonderfully creating a perfect partnership.
I was under the impression that a blog offered an opportunity for one to express ones own thoughts, not to be criticised for them.
End of note to self.
Comments (6)
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Ephelia
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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I guess the problem with blogging on a public forum is that it is assumed you are inviting comment... I guess what felt uncomfortable to read in your blog yesterday is that it seemed to suggest that you feel someone must be 'in control' of the other in a marriage - and today you say 'control must come from me' and 'the dominant force between us will not submit' Most people (male or female) in this day and age would resent someone trying to control them - in fact you say yourself, you resent your wife controlling our situation. So maybe thinking of these issues in terms of control is the difficult part. Certainly from your description of your wife she definitely needs to exert self-control and you could help her with this. I certainly appreciate my partner supporting me and helping me to exert self control over things I'm less good at than him BUT if he tried to enforce control over me I would run screaming to the hills... I'm sorry; I really felt for you yesterday, as you came across as someone trying to work through their feelings and make sense of a difficult situation but many women on here have lived, often in fear, of very controlling men - so perhaps you can understand why someone might have reacted against your comment. |
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Young again
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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Hi Drew, We are all vulnerable in some way and in divorce we are acutely vulnerable; both those reading and writing blogs. The written word has no inflexion, no smile or sigh to express emotion and is more open to a scope of interpretation than uttered words. Having said that, your anology of a dance I took to mean just that, a dance and not the fundamental principle of your life. I agree with you, acting in concert needs direction and by virtue that total perfection is unachievable pure parity can never be found to exist. In everything a couple does there is leadership, however slight or great, by one. Not necessarily the same one, it shifts and flickers between the parties, by agreement and with consent. It is when the consent is taken for granted or forced that one party is demeaned and that is not gender dependent. Your blog did not come across as sexist to me, but then perhaps I could relate more to what you have experienced. (((((Drew))))) YA |
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Buster_99
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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Drew, My first comment is please don't stop the Blog. You are very eloquent something I am not, but you exactly describe my stbx. It helps many to know that they are not alone with their experiences. I can also understand the self doubt and sensitivity to others. I am the same. Living with a control freak does force you to consider your sanity. I know I did and still do. I do take on board the comments from Ephelia about controlling behaviour and perhaps this was the wrong term. When you offer an opinion in an attempt to come to a consensus and this opinion is instantly rejected without discussion you begin to think controlling behaviour. It's the "my way or the highway" mind set and it can and did get to the point where I was physically abused. Unfortunately this was in front of my daughter (9 years old). Ephelia also discusses self control and this was obviously lacking from my stbx and possibly myself for allowing some situations to happen. I'm not perfect and a lack of communication between partners is to blame for our split, but this reduction of communication can be partially explained by her controlling behaviour. Please feel free to shot me down as I am find Wiki very useful for understanding my feelings. Cheers, Buster |
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fitbird
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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Drew don't stop blogging, I am female and didn't find it sexist. Somedays some people say things or think things but without psychic skills we never know why or what was meant by it, sometimes people have been hurt by a situation and may also misinterpept what we say. Hope you read more of your very eloquent writings and hope you get support and find it helpful to write thses things down. xxx |
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IKNOWNOW
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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Drew, Having just read this blog, thought I had better read your other blog. Being one of those women that endured an abusive, controlling marriage I can to a point understand the interpretation of your blog sounding a tad sexist. Had the analogy been to something that either sex could be the lead but there could only be one lead then it may not have been taken as such. Appreciate that the ballroom dancing was in relation to personal cicrumstance though. As someone has already said, the written word is not always interpreted the way it was meant to read when written. Also, once someone has actually spoken, maybe in chat, then they may see what is actually meant by knowing the other person's story instead of just a snap shot given in any one blog. I write lots of blogs (not a lot recently) and they have met with some comments that at times I have felt not all that friendly and some quite strongly negative. I have been on wiki a long time and a lot of people talk to me in chat and pass comment on my blog, not always favourable, but they are offering an opinion, which you are inviting by writing your blog. Some comments hurt, but when you take a step back and consider that the person reading your blog probably has their own issues (that is what this site invites by its pure nature) then you have to take comments made in light of this. As you manage to work through your issues over time, your comments and the way they are written will reflect this believe me and the same will be said of others. As new members are always joining we will always find some comments both on blogs and posts in the forum that may display anger, sadness, bitterness and a whole host of other emotions. People have commented (even Mr Wiki himself) on how my comments and answers have evolved as I have gone through my journey. Personal experience makes us who we are and what we are. These days if I think a comment I have made may be a bit angry then I read it again and ask myself why. Sometimes I will still make the comment but other times I will delete the comment entirely or re-write it; but I have only learnt to do this over time. You will also learn that I have an art of waffling. Take care and keep blogging. I have found them very therapeutic and have had many comments that they have also helped a number of others. xx Sarah xx |
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Kalamari
said:
| August 27, 2008 | ||
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Hmmmm 'Control'!!!!!!!!! I reached a state of complete and utter confusion when my stbx vehmently criticised me for not being able to control them. I had by then virtually completely given up on any idea of being able to influence them, to my mind in a healthy relationship both parties negotiate and comprimise. Once mutual rspect has disappeared, there's no chance of any of this. best wishes Kalamri |
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