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Aug 24
2008
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Unreasonable expectationsPosted by Iwillbeok in dealing with emotions |
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Oops! The trouble with having an up day is the awareness that just around the corner there is going to be something to trip me up & I'll find myself stumbling again. So many people describe this journey as a roller coaster & this is so true. Trouble is, I know that this time I am being the one with unreasonable expectations & that these are to do with my issues. I know I am not being fair, but despite this, I am still finding it hard to think differently.
A quick bit of background - Last December, when my husband told me he didn't love me anymore, he also made some quite disparaging remarks about our friends & how ‘boring' the life we all lead is. It seemed to me that not only was I being rejected, but also everything else in his life. I begged him to talk to one of our friends about the way he was feeling, to run his feelings by someone who knew both of us well, to perhaps gain a different perspective on things, but he would not talk to anyone. I found out later that he did choose to talk to somebody about how he was feeling - but it was someone who didn't know us both, who didn't know of our 18 year history, our family, our home. The person he chose to ‘run things by' was a 27 year old girl from work (whom he ‘really liked') who lived over 200 miles away & knew nothing about us. A girl who was 9 years old when my husband & I got together. The only person he talked to was this girl & he has now moved in with her. For me this is hard.
Anyway, when my husband first left, I requested that he didn't visit our local pub without first letting me know because this is the only place where I tend to socialise & is the place where all my (our) friends go, &, after all, he had chosen to reject this life in favour of the bright city life 200 miles away, with her & her friends. This was my request (fair or not? I'm not sure, but I felt, necessary for my sanity at the time). He has honoured this & I thank him for that. At no stage have I requested that he doesn't contact his (our) friends, although he hasn't contacted any of them, apart from one, very briefly, on a business matter. Not even our oldest, dearest friends have heard from him.
Anyway, my children & I were invited over to one of our friend's last night. I overheard one of our friends talking to my son, asking my son to tell his father how much they miss him & how they would love to meet up with him. This has really upset me, & I am still trying to work out why. I know it is unreasonable of me to think that they wouldn't miss my husband or want to see him, but I am also aware that they have each other's phone numbers & could contact each other directly, so why ask my son to pass messages on? My husband has chosen not to make contact with any of them.
I suppose, if I'm honest, I am also disappointed that no one , in all of this, apart from my son & myself, has shown their disapproval to my husband about what he has done (a couple of friends have arrived when my husband has been dropping off our son & acted like everything is normal). I know it is unreasonable for me to expect people to take sides, but I so wish they would! And I know this friend, who asked my son to pass the message on, will welcome my husband with open arms as though nothing has happened. I know it is really nasty of me to think in such a way, but it feels like their acceptance of my husband is like a seal of approval for his behaviour. I know I am being selfish & uncharitable, & wish I could be more gracious, but, right now, their acceptance really hurts.
Please, please don't misunderstand me when I write the following- I know that physical violence is so very different from emotional damage- but if my emotional pain showed up as physical damage, I would have been crippled by the injuries I have sustained. Would people be quite so accepting of his behaviour then?
Please forgive me for rambling on but I just need to work through this. I am not an unkind person & don't like the fact that I am having these mean thoughts.
Thanks for allowing me the space to be brutally honest & to offload. I so value wiki for giving me permission to do this. Thank you. x
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fitbird
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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(((((((iwillbeok)))))))) Don't apologise about how you feel. I wanted mine to fall flat on his face and everyone to completely hate him. You are not being selfish and uncharitable, you are hurting badly from his behaviour and your loss. Blog away, we're here for you xxx | |
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Iwillbeok
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Hi fitbird, Thank you so much for your comments- they help me enormously. Sometimes I am just scared that I am turning into someone I don't recognise & don't like. I have been struggling with my self-esteem so badly & I keep on telling myself that I'm quite nice really, but then, when I have these thoughts, I'm not so sure! Thanks for being here - it makes all the difference  |
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marriaa
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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I will. what you are feeling we have all felt it. IT is UNREASONABLE to expect friends to chose,true friends do not chose just accept both of you .So you are both lucky to have them. Do not ask them to ar make them feel that you expect them to take side ,you will lose them. I understand your pain,I have been there. Save your dignity .He is not worth it. With time you will be able to get on with your life. You are lucky he has moved that far away.Spare a thought to those who still have to live round rhe corner from each other. WAS in a pub with a male friend about 10 miles from where we both live(he has moved out) guess who should walk in?? He came and introduced himself to my friend ,I was gobsmacked,but maintained my dignity. Actually he did me a favour because I was keeping for the places we used to go together not to bump into him but he has solved that anxiety now. Best action is to do nothing ,say nothing and cary on seeing your friends good luck,take care |
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findingmyself
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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morning iwillbeok I read somewhere that the only thing worst than bad things happening to good people is good things happening to bad people. It seems to upset some innate sense of fairness that people who betray a trusting partner don't get any consequences for their behaviour. My stbx (Mr Niceguy) wants everyone to think we drifted apart, not a version of events I entirely subscribe to as my story has a lot of similarlities to your own and he now lives with the OW. I could hardly say otherwise until our children knew. I hate it when friends of ours come up to me and say how sad it is as if it were a bereavement, because to me I feel like I've been emotionally assaulted and robbed. I need recognition of the anger. I've found sometimes friends have their own reasons for feeling unable to withold approval! I suppose when you're taken to the edge like this, it will bring out both the best and the worst in you. Don't be hard on yourself; it's ok to feel however you feel. take care fm xx |
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Milly1
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Iwillbeok I think that friend are sometimes reluctant to takes sides in breakups for the simple fact that if you and your husband got back together, it would be awkward for them and you. If they broke ties with him and called him all the names under the sun, and you patched things up, you'd probably end up resenting them and what they'd said! I know how you feel though, it's as if nobody really cares about the devastation he's wreaked, and that you're suffering so much. Perhaps your friends think he's having a blip and might come to his senses so they are unwilling to judge him. I'll do you the favour then. What a stupid man, he's fallen into the oldest cliche going. Your friends aren't giving him the seal of approval, they probably pity him because he's chucked his life away on some two-bit marriage wrecker. Its so good to get your feelings out in the open, so keep on blogging and talking. Give yourself permission to have these 'uncharitable' thoughts, they will help you make sense of the situation. Why not talk it over with your friends and explain how you feel? I'm sure they wouldn't think badly of you. M |
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Iwillbeok
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Thanks to you all for your words of wisdom. You are all right & it is clear that you so understand the way I feel. This means a lot to me. Maria, I am struggling to maintain my dignity but think I?ve just about managed so far, although it?s been a close call at times! Yes, you are right, I know I am incredibly lucky that he now spends most of his time miles away. This makes things a lot easier. I understand it when you write about the anxiety involved in unexpected meetings, & I am aware that these things will have to be faced, &, perhaps, the sooner the better. Finding myself - I think I now this ?Mr Niceguy? ?sounds so familiar, especially the ?we drifted apart? bit! There really is some kind of pattern going on here! Milly, you are right, friends are in a really difficult position. I have to admit to laughing out loud when I read your words about his stupidity & falling into the cliché trap- it made me feel so much better to hear somebody other than me say this about him. Thank you for making me laugh. Thanks again to all of you for your great advice & support. x |
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Mockingbird
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Your feelings are perfectly normal. The person who cheats never seems to get punished for what they have done, but the person left behind is miserable (this will change of course as we all move on). Re friends - you shouldnt expect them to take sides - but as Milly1 says above, your friends probably have a low opinion of him for doing what hes done, but will keep this to themselves - I know several of mine (including joint male friends) have said that they love us both, but have then said to me that they are on my side and feel he has acted badly. But at the end of the day - what someone has done to you as a husband/wife - doesnt really change how they are as a friend to your group of friends - if that makes sense. Although, my H has already lost touch with quite a few close life long friends and I believe this is because deep down he knows he cant face them. At the end of the day - do whatever gets you through this but keep strong and keep your dignity x |
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Donnylass
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Hi Iwillbeok-and I'm sure you will be. The beauty of wiki is there will always be someone who has felt/is feeling the same way as you. Fortunately most of 'our' true friends are supporting me.Scumbag is trying to tell everyone that we have 'just drifted apart' and I am now divorcing him because he is in a new relationship. I honestly think he began co-habiting so he could hide behind this OW, and use her as an excuse, just as he hid behind me and our children, pretending to be a decent bloke!!! I have no reason to hide the truth-and he thinks I am unreasonable!!! I intend to live a long and very happy life, surrounded by family and friends-just to spite him, and to make up for the unhappiness I had with him. We wiki people should all aim for this!! Take care  |
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Iwillbeok
said:
| August 24, 2008 | ||
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Hello! Me again! Just wanted to reply to the last 2 posts because, like the earlier posts, they make absolute sense & are so supportive. It is interesting that my husband has not made contact with any of his really good friends- I do wonder if this is because he is actually feeling a sense of shame around what he has done. As you say, Mockingbird, I believe he can't face them as it might mean he would have to 'come clean'. And yes, Donnylass, I really want to live a long & happy life, & despite the pain I am feeling at the moment, I feel that I am probably closer to doing this than he is. I am not hiding or pretending or trying to live on some superficial level. I still have the respect of my children, my family & my friends. I am an open & honest person (I have no reason not to be) - I have nothing to hide. Despite the fragility of my moods at the moment, I know that deep down, when the clouds begin to clear, I really will be okay. Thank you both for takin the time to reply. It means so much to me right now. Take care, Iwillbeok x |
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